Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Stanley Savige/archive1

I'll try to review this this week:

"Military Cross for bravery" - Big or small b?
- Small B. The award is the Military Cross. It is a bit of a toutology though - you can only get a Military Cross for gallantry. Hawkeye7 (talk)
Second paragraph - lede: You haven't made it explicit that 1915 was in WWI, but the third paragraph explicitly states WWII. Perhaps standardise?
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Do we need so much information about Grandpa, except maybe as a footnote?
- I think it was inserted by a relative. Removed. Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
If he served in the Prahran senior cadets, could we specify that he moved to Prahran, Victoria, and not Melbourne city proper?
- (Has a look at where he lived). Yes, that is okay. Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
The orderly who plunged into it with him he never saw again. - Plunged into sounds colloquial
- Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Somme sector - Any links?
- Linked to Somme. Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Extraordinary tenacity and bravery was required but somehow the position was held. - This implies they didn't have "extraordinary tenacity and bravery"
- It was extraordinary. Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
BROODSEINDE RIDGE - Why all capitals? If this paragraph or few sentences are directly quoted, this should be indicated.
- It's indented with the quote template to indicate it's a quote. The Army capitalises them so when the messages are sent, the place names can be replaced with code names. However some people are so used to it they just capitalise even in normal correspondence (Just as Sir Humphrey Appleby only writes in the margins of his diary.) Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:44, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  - Oops, I must have missed that (reading in edit mode) — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:06, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
That's it for now. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:49, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks for your review! Hawkeye7 (talk) 23:59, 7 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Should it be Dunsterforce or the Dunsterforce?
- Dunsterforce. Don't get them started on "The Beatles". Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:30, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"raise an army to contain the Turkish Army " - Army... army. Perhaps "amass enough force to contain...."
- Changes to "the Turks" Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:30, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"Following the capture of Urmia by the Turks, Savige discovered tens of thousands of Assyrian refugees fleeing the Turks" - Turks ... Turks
- Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:30, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"form a rear guard to hold back the Persians and Kurds who were murdering the refugees and carrying off the young girls as slaves." - Potentially controversial, may be a good idea to double up on sources here.
- Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:59, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
He later wrote a book about his experiences in Persia, entitled Stalky's Forlorn Hope, which was published in 1920. - Aside from the link in text, which I've removed, this may be better at the end of the paragraph. Was it written in Oz? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:20, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
- (Has a look at the article). Yes! Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:30, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Savige finally married Lilian Stockton at 28 June 1919 - Is "finally" necessary here?
- Removed. Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:30, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
South Yarra Baptist Church. - Where?
- South Yarra. Melbourne boy knows the place inside out. Linked for the unfortunates who have never been there. Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:30, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Their marriage produced a daughter, Gwendolyn. - Do we have a year?
- Yes. Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:21, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Returned Soldiers' Mill - What did he sell/distribute for them?
- The sources just say "general merchandise". Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:59, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
You haven't indicated what AIF means yet (i.e. Australian Imperial Force (AIF)
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:21, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Following the election of the coalition government in the 1949 election, Blamey wrote to the new Prime Minister, Robert Menzies back for another term, requesting honours for his generals. - Is "back for another term" missing something? It feels awkward.
- Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:59, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"In August 2006, Australian-Assyrian community leaders from Sydney and Melbourne gathered to commemorate Savige at his grave site in Kew, where they spoke of his role in saving the Assyrian refugees in 1918. After the ceremony, the Assyrian delegation proceeded to Morwell where the mayor, Lisa Price, unveiled a bronze bust of the general." - This feels a little undue (or padded). Perhaps trim a bit? —
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 13:59, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:44, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Copy-edited down to Wau-Salamaua, nothing to report yet. Will try and finish this in 6-7 hours — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:46, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

CN tag on direct quote *2
- Replaced with reference. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"who fancied his chances" - This is rather idiomatic, perhaps a more encyclopedic phrasing?
- Dropped. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
The campaign also included an acrimonious exchange between Savige and American commanders that threatened Allied harmony, ironically because of Herring's arrangements to safeguard it, which resulted in deliberately vague instructions. - That's a lot of dependent clauses.
- Split sentence. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
reported directly to him. - The most recent named subject was MacArthur. Did they report to him?
- Yes. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
New Guinea Force passed into history, - Very idiomatic, a more encyclopedic term?
- Changed to "discontinued". Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Several of these images are overlapping on my screen, perhaps because they are being forced to 300px.
- Changed to the default size. Which is 300px on my screen. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"To a commander like General Savige, who was not only deeply imbued with the doctrine of aggressiveness which was an AIF article of faith in both world wars but also burning to end his military career in a swirl of action," his orders were suitably flexible. - That's an opinion if I ever saw one. Per MOS:QUOTE the person should be attributed.
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
more than 40,000 Japanese were still alive on Bougainville in November 1944. - Alive, but active?
- What does "active" mean? Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  - Able-bodied, in fighting condition, etc. They may have had men who were not in fighting shape on the island — Crisco 1492 (talk) 12:41, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    - This is not known. On the Americans' watch, some 8,000 Japanese had been killed in battle and 16,000 had died of disease. Things became grimmer for the Japanese as Savige began overrunning the gardens that they depended on for food. Hawkeye7 (talk) 20:56, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
remarkably free of controversy about his command. - Remarkably according to?
- Military historians mostly. Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 12:18, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

That's it from me. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 09:45, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]