User talk:Shaywah/sandbox/Article two
Good research and nice organization. I would make the corrections that I noted below in regard to spelling/grammar as well as a few other minor things and you should be all set. Nice job.
- Points: 34.5/40
- Grade: 86%
Spelling/Grammar
[edit]Does not meet standard
I would change this as the word order is not correct. "As of 1972, children in England are required to go to school at least until they are 16 years old." This would work better: "As of 1972, children in England are required to go to school [until they are at least] 16 years old."
I would change this as well. "This was a raise from the original law of between 14 or 15 in 1947." This would work better: "This was an [increase from the original age which was between] 14 or 15 in 1947."
The word "cooperation" does not seem to make sense in the context of this sentence. Unfortunately, I am not certain what word to suggest to replace it with as I am missing background information. "School (cooperation) in England do their best to monitor curriculum in schools and other important aspects."
I can see that you were trying to avoid having to use the word "communicate" and its derivatives more than once in the same sentence. Unfortunately, in this case it really is necessary to keep both as the sentence becomes confusing without it. "According to a two-year study conducted in a nursery and two elementary schools in London, the lack of or difficulties found in communicating between parent and teacher seem to be the biggest issues." "According to a [two year] study conducted in a nursery and two elementary schools in London, the [difficulties found in communicating or having any communication at all] between parent and teacher [seems] to be the biggest [issue]."
I am suggesting some changes to improve a few typos. "One study suggested for the improvement of such communication was to establishment PTA system (parent-teacher-association)." This is what I would do to improve it: "One study suggested that in order to improve communication a parent-teacher-association system or 'PTA' would need to be established."
There is another typo in this sentence. 'According to one article about the history of the development of the school systems pertaining women as its leaders is concerned: "For 120 years, Inner London was England’s largest education authority."' I changed it in this way but I do not believe it is quite what you wanted. Feel free to adjust it to how you expected it to flow. 'According to one article about the history of the development of the school systems pertaining [to] women as its leaders: "For 120 years, Inner London was England’s largest education authority."'
To improve sentence clarity. I propose the following changes. "She does this by reading books [to them] and [through] other activities." "She does this by reading books to them aloud and other activities."
The standard form would be "playtime". If you decide to change it to the standard form, consider changing the later occurrences of it as well. "Some of these older siblings would incorporate play-time into learning to have a better chance of keeping the younger sibling engaged." "Some of these older siblings would incorporate [playtime] into learning to have a better chance of keeping the younger sibling engaged."
Honestly I believe it would be better to break this into multiple sentences. However, if you feel that you would rather keep it as one this form might work. "According to one conversation from this study between a student whose first language was not English and her teacher showed the importance of the teacher showing interest in the material being discussed in order to better understand and learn the new language." "[Noted in the aforementioned study is a] conversation between a student whose first language was not English [wherein her teacher demonstrated the importance of educators showing] interest in the material being discussed in order to [facilitate] better [understanding] and to [improve acquisition of] the new language."
This sentence has an error which I corrected below. "Many of these children were scared to try to speak in this language in the classroom for fear of pronouncing incorrectly or saying the wrong word or phrase." "Many of these children were scared to try to speak in this language in the classroom for fear of [incorrect pronunciation] or [of choosing] the wrong word or phrase."
The corrections to the typos are noted in brackets. "One study conducted of young Jamaican girls that were either born in London or moved there at some point of their life were observed to have social difficulties in school because of their race and gender." "One study conducted of young Jamaican girls that were either born in London or moved there at some point [in] their life [showed that they tended] to have social difficulties in school because of their race and gender."
The standard version of these words does not require the hyphens. "These girls tend to be more head-strong and straight-forward, which their boy peers saw as a threat to potential future relationships, as they did not want to be the less-dominant spouse of a potential relationship." "These girls tend to be more [headstrong] and [straightforward], which their boy peers saw as a threat to potential future relationships, as they did not want to be the less-dominant spouse of a potential relationship."
Generally these two words are not joined with a hyphen. "In the classroom, they didn't appear to be hard-workers, but proved otherwise with their studies, conforming to the stereotype put on them that they weren't good students." "In the classroom, they didn't appear to be [hard workers], but proved otherwise with their studies, conforming to the stereotype put on them that they weren't good students."
Subject-verb agreement change. Bullying in London schools take on a few different forms: "...physical, verbal and cyber bullying." Bullying in London schools [takes] on a few different forms: "...physical, verbal and cyber bullying."
Changed wording to provide clarity. "The London schools observed in a study on bullying contained both boys and girls at about equal amounts of the same ages." "The London schools observed [that a study] on bullying contained both boys and girls at about equal amounts of the same [age]."
Adjusted word order to provide more clarity to the sentence. "The subject of geography saw a decline in effectiveness in schools in London, which the 2013 program Greater London Authority (GLA) sought to change." "The subject of geography saw a decline in effectiveness in schools in London, [which the Greater London Authority (GLA) sought to change through their 2013 program.]"
I would remove the comma from before "and" to make this consistent with all your other uses of "and" without a comma. "This two-year grant of £150,000 enabled teachers to have access to better tools, activity ideas(, and) other resources to help kids get more hands-on experience with the subject of geography to make it more interesting and give these students a better chance at learning the material."
Removed "for" and made change to subject-verb agreement. "For students of higher education, such as college and beyond, was shown in one study to find access to class content online very helpful." "Students of higher education, such as college and beyond, [were] shown in one study to find access to class content online very helpful."
Attempted to clarify ending of sentence based upon available context. Please verify that it still means what you expected it to mean. "This included lecture notes, online quizzes, and other features enhanced their knowledge of the material and proven effective." "This included lecture notes, online quizzes, and other features which enhanced their knowledge of the material and [proved the programs effectiveness]."
Given the context I have, WWII should not be in quotations. 'It wasn't until after WWII that England began seeing an emergence of libraries throughout the country.'
Language
[edit]Meets standard Throughout the article there are six contractions used. I would expand these words out to make them agree with the Wiki format. Otherwise, I think that the language is appropriate for an encyclopedia.
Organization
[edit]Meets standard. The structure of paragraphs coupled with the subheadings used suggests that this article is organized.
Coding
[edit]Meets standard. There are no coding errors.
Validity
[edit]Meets standard. No statements stand out as being untrue. The sources backing up the statements also appear reputable. A handful of google searches do not turn up any incongruities.
Completion
[edit]Meets standard. The assignment calls for five paragraphs and a minimum of twenty sources. You have met all these requirements. Therefore, I believe that the assignment is complete.
Relevance
[edit]Meets standard. The material presented appears to be relevant to the subjects outlined in the subheadings and to the primary topic.
Sources
[edit]Exceeds standard. The majority of the sources provided appear to be peer reviewed journals which are noted as being the gold standard for this assignment.
Citations
[edit]Meets standard The use of page numbers following the majority of sentences seems strange. I know there is a way to have the page number build into the citation. It might be acceptable. I just have not seem it elsewhere on Wikipedia.
References
[edit]Meets standard. The only issue I see is source 4 which has "Web Login Service" in the place of the journal name.
3/20/2018 Evaluation by Paul E. Hubbard
[edit]I've seen a few grammatical errors, and I saw a couple spots where you might be able to link to another page, but other than that, good job!
- Points : 39/40
- Grade: 97.5
Spelling/Grammar
[edit]Nearly meets standards: There were just a couple of sentence structure errors that I could spot. I would have probably combined the two sentences at the end the Aspects of Education in London section. They play off of one another and the second sentence could not be interpreted as a stand alone sentence. I would have probably replaced the period with a semi colon to bridge the two statements together.
I also noticed one of your sentences in the Teachers of London section you began the sentence with Because, and then I believe the sentence was supposed to reference the beginning statement after the "Because", but it's not quite clear what you're trying to say. You could put it as "Teachers began to leave London, because of the high cost of living.", or something to that effect.
Language
[edit]Meets standard: Looks great!
Organization
[edit]Meets standard: No problems here.
Coding
[edit]Meets standard: Looks great! I might have added a link to the Education act, unless it is in reference to the Elementary education act, which you have linked to. If it is in reference to the Elementary education act, I would probably add the elementary part. It may not be necessary, but it adds clarity.
Validity
[edit]Meets standard: Very valid!
Completion
[edit]Meets standard: You needed five paragraphs and 20 sources, I would say you have exceeded the amount of writing needed for this assignment, and you have the minimum required sources.
Relevance
[edit]Meets standard: Very Relevant!
Sources
[edit]Exceeds standard: These sources are of great quality! Great Job!
Citations
[edit]Meets standard: I'm picking up good citations. Good, good, good, good citations.
References
[edit]Meets standard: The references seem to be in order.