User talk:Krimsonshadow/Sandbox

It looks like you have a good idea of where you are going to take this article.Eff Gjeni (talk) 21:04, 14 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Although its still very brief at the moment, it looks good so far. Mike Nolan33 (talk) 21:55, 14 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

I have reviewed your sandbox draft and find many good qualities in your writing. Consider the following to perhaps further improve:

Avoid cliche metaphors. Sure, we know what you mean, but it is not as effective as common correct usage. In stating "... the marketing industry has seen an increase ...", a direct association to your meaning is preferable. For example "The marketing industry has increased its efforts in targeting the youth market ...", may convey your idea without affixing the metaphoric eyes that add nothing of value to the statement.
Avoid unnecessary prepositions that only add words of redundant value. For example, in stating, "These are just a few of the youth oriented marketing tactics ...", it is of little value to preface your intention. It conveys better by simply stating, "One marketing tactic used is such and such while another focuses on such and such." After the read, the reader will intuitively know they had been exposed to a few.
Avoid absolute statements unless they are firmly established as unequivocal. For example it is hard to justify saying, "It has been proven ..." to the context you apply it to. A strong correlation to a reasonable hypothesis is not sufficient as proof.
Always copy edit your own material. The worst place to loose credit for a writing is in areas where you yourself were clear about what would have been correct. For example, any credit a paper might loose, perhaps the difference between an A effort and a B, for 1) missing space 'mature(1,14,24,26)', 2) Misspellings: 'audiances', 'frequence' 3) Capitalization: 'princess Di’s', and 4) Spacing: 'advertising.Gender', would all be lamentable strikes in areas I am confident you are better situated to append correctly.

Hopefully some of these considerations will help improve your writing, which is already quite good. Cheers. My76Strat (talk) 20:09, 16 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]