Talk:Maia Estianty/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: AdabowtheSecond (talk · contribs) 02:55, 18 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Will review, comments to follow, in about 12 hours at maximum AdabowtheSecond (talk) 02:55, 18 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Images licensing, dead refs and disambiguations

Everything good except fix this
Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:12, 19 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

Good, contains everything in article

Early life

"born to Harjono Sigit and his wife Kusthini" --> write to father and mother
Not done. Clear from the sentence which is male and which is female (i.e. which is the father and which is the mother)
"while at Yohanes Gabriel Catholic Elementary School in Surabaya, she once hit a classmate with a thrown object so hard that the classmate began to bleed profusely" ---> remove thrown
Done.
"and the two began to work on tunes for the piano together" ---> could you re-write/ re-sentence this
How's this?
"A bright student in elementary school and junior high school, while in senior high school she began dating, first with a classmate then with Dhani, and her marks dropped drastically." ---> bright? who says so drastically what is considered drastic? neutral point of view rewrite
Changed the first bit. The title of the article, "Prestasi Merosot Tajam", literally means "scores dropped drastically", so it's in the source. Do you think it needs quotes?
"Towards the end of senior high school, Estianty and her father began arguing about her work and poor performance at school. Estianty threatened to move out; Sigit said he would support her, on the condition she continue her studies at a state university" --> who is Sigit?? I haven't been introduced to his full name in the article prior.
First sentence: "Harjono Sigit", her father. Gave a bit to connect the two sentences.

Ratu

"It has an R&B flavour --> is it a pie no please change to "it has R&B influences", an album's music is timeless so never use past tense
Rephrased. The writing itself is not timeless, so "influenced" is okay here.
"Ratu released Ratu and Friends in collaboration with numerous other artists" ---> what are Ratu and Friends albums/eps/singles?
Album, done.
The album, which only featured two songs by Ratu,[11] sold more than 400,000 copies and was certified double platinum.[12] The title of the song "Teman Tapi Mesra", often abbreviated TTM, became widely used to describe those in a physical relationship without an emotional one.[13] ----> which album are you referring to, "only featured" remove only, cite other writing credits if you are cite Dhani's, where did the album go double platinum?, what song is it a single of which album??
In Indonesia. Indonesian music rarely, if ever, goes further than Indonesia, Malaysia, and Singapore. Nixed "only". Don't see Dhani's name in relation to the album (don't have a copy, so I wouldn't be able to verify the full writing credits). Thought it was implied from collocation, but added Ratu and Friends anyways.
Also in 2006, Ratu released Nomor Satu (Number One), which had pop-rock influences;[1] Maia wrote most of the songs.[15] The album was a commercial success; it sold 200,000 copies on the day of its release, a record for a work by a female Indonesian group. ---> is it album/ep/single??, "which had pop-rock influences" change had to has music sound is timeless, where did it sell 200,000 copies in its first week.
Clearly not a single if it's in italics; says it's an album in the following sentence. Changed to with, added "nationally".

Duo Maia and acting

Remove the entire bit about their divorce to a new section titled personal life or divorce from ...
I disagree here, as the divorce is one of the reasons Ratu disbanded. Moving it would remove context as to why she formed Duo Maia. Regarding a separate section, that would give a section with only one paragraph, which looks unprofessional.
Remove in the entire article that they went to trough a 'bitter' divorce who says it was bitter, what is considerd bitter, maintain neutral point of view.
Nuked "bitter" in the caption. The paragraph states clearly why it was bitter, and is completely referenced.

This is all AdabowtheSecond (talk) 15:47, 18 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I feel this up to GA quality, Cheers AdabowtheSecond (talk) 16:44, 19 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]