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Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Temple Israel (Memphis, Tennessee)/archive1

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SV comments that have been addressed

[edit]
  • Some other issues:
  • I wonder if you need to say what "rapidly reformed services" means in the lead.
  • "held services in member's homes in 1853" should be members' homes.
  • Christopher Philip Winkler, the "Dean of Memphis Musicians": who is being quoted?
  • Funds for the renovation were raised by two committees; one solicited donations from "all the Israelites in this city", while the other's task was "to receive subscriptions from Gentiles": again, who is being quoted, and is it necessary to quote?
  • "attendance at the at least quarterly meetings": should be "at-least-quarterly," but that would be awkward. I would tweak it so it was written differently. Or maybe "(at least) quarterly".
  • "A member could also be suspended or expelled it he acted ..." (if he acted)
  • "they consulted with Philadelphia's Rabbi Isaac Leeser ... but also were in contact with Rabbi Isaac Mayer Wise ..." I would say consulted, not consulted with, and were also in contact with, rather than also were in contact with.
  • "earlier that same year --> earlier that year

I'm wondering whether this is a bit long (nearly 9,000 words), but I don't know what the norm is for these articles. SlimVirgin talk|contribs 04:54, 30 November 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'm the only one who writes synagogue FAs, which is probably a good thing. :-| It's a bit longer than my other ones, but I thought (hoped?) it would be o.k., as it's still well within the 6,000 to 10,000 word guideline. Jayjg (talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Personally I would try to tighten it a little; it's just easier to read if it's a bit shorter. Also, I was wondering about the wisdom of repeating how much certain amounts of money would be worth today, partly because it's distracting, partly because these calculations aren't always worth much. Maybe just do it the first time to give people an idea? SlimVirgin talk|contribs 10:00, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Regarding comparative prices today, I obviously like them, but I've removed 19 of them. Regarding making it shorter, I'd be happy to, if you can suggest other things to prune, or prune it a bit yourself. Jayjg (talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Some more comments:
  • (By comparison, the kosher butcher's salary was $300 per year, "independent of poultry killing".): who is being quoted?
  • An example of tightening. Instead of (83 words):
  • B'nai Israel hired Peres in December 1858 at an annual salary of $600 (today $15,000), with additional perquisites of $400. (By comparison, the kosher butcher's salary was $300 per year, "independent of poultry killing".) Peres's role was to lecture, lead, and teach, in both English and German, and to run the choir. Though specifically hired as a "Chazzan [cantor] and Teacher", in practical terms he was the congregation's rabbi. In addition to his other duties at B'nai Israel, Peres ran the Hebrew school." (83 words)
  • Try something like (48 words): "B'nai Israel hired Peres in December 1858 as cantor and teacher, in English and German, at an annual salary of $600 with perquisites of $400; by comparison, the kosher butcher's salary was $300. He also ran the Hebrew school and the choir, and was in effect the rabbi."

SlimVirgin talk|contribs 10:28, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]