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Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Slow loris/archive1

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Comments from Cryptic C62

[edit]
  • "they range from Northeast India to the southern Philippines and from the Yunnan province in China in the north to the island of Java in the south." This seems to be describing their north-south range twice, which doesn't serve any purpose. I suggest rewriting to: "they range from India in the west to the Philippines in the east, and from the Yunnan province in China in the north to the island of Java in the south."
I didn't see the original wording as both north-south explanations, but your wording sounded better so I've made the change. Thanks. – VisionHolder « talk » 03:31, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • "molecular clock studies have given unclear or contradictory results." I suggest replacing this with either "molecular clock studies have given inconsistent results." or "molecular clock studies have not given definitive results."
Changed. Thanks for the suggestions. – VisionHolder « talk » 03:31, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'm not a fan of the introduction of alternate terms in parentheses, such as ("crown") and ("pre-monkey"), as this disrupts the flow of the sentence and goes against the idea that the lead is for giving a broad overview of the topic. If you can work these terms into the sentence, great! If not, just wait until the body to introduce them.
Done. – VisionHolder « talk » 01:35, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Slow lorises have ... distinctive coloration patterns" For those using screen-readers or mobile browsers without image support, this statement is useless. What color(s) is this critter?
That varies widely in the genus and is hard to explain in the lead. Personally, I think this statement is succinct enough, and the body covers the information fairly well. If not, individual species articles (which we also developed) should. – VisionHolder « talk » 03:14, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
If the coloration varies widely, then the sentence in question should mention this in addition to or instead of the useless word "distinctive": "Slow lorises have ... a wide variety of coloration patterns" or "Slow lorises have ... a number of distinctive coloration patterns". --Cryptic C62 · Talk 15:51, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Now reads "Slow lorises have ... a variety of distinctive coloration patterns that are species-dependent." Sasata (talk) 16:15, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The toxin is also applied as a form of protection for their infants during grooming." The word "also" implies that this is a secondary function, but it has not yet been stated what the primary function of the toxin is. Also, where is the toxin applied?
Fixed. – VisionHolder « talk » 01:35, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Where is the toxin applied? Adding something like "to the fur" would make this a more coherent sentence, IMHO. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 15:51, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Now reads "... and the toxin is also applied to the fur during grooming as a form of protection for their infants." Sasata (talk) 16:15, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Slow lorises reproduce slowly" Ah, so that's where the name came from! I lol'd.
If you're wanting an explanation for why they're called "slow lorises", I will try to look it up. However, this term goes back to the 1800's at least, and they may not explain it explicitly. I'm working with two other authors on a research article covering the history and meaning of lemur names, and this isn't always straight-forward. We need to be careful to avoid original research, so I may be limited on what I can provide. Otherwise it says in the lead, "They move slowly and deliberately..." Shouldn't that say enough for most people? – VisionHolder « talk » 01:35, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Narm, there's no action required. I just found this to be an amusing phrase. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 15:51, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • "slow lorises are openly sold in animal markets in Southeast Asia and smuggled to countries like Japan." Which countries are like Japan? Besides Japan itself, of course. I'm being facetious, of course. A better phrasing would be "slow lorises are openly sold in animal markets in Southeast Asia and smuggled to other countries, such as Japan, Example B, and Example C."
Good catch. Fixed. – VisionHolder « talk » 03:09, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
If you only want to mention Japan, perhaps "such as" should be replaced with "primarily"...? --Cryptic C62 · Talk 15:51, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
That would imply a conclusion not made explicit in the source. I think "such as" works well enough, to illustrate one example destination. Sasata (talk) 16:15, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Fair enough, struck. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 00:04, 11 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • Question that should be answered in the lead: What animals eat slow lorises?
Actually, that was missing from the entire article. I've added it. – VisionHolder « talk » 03:09, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • The Cultural references section, which desperately needs to be renamed, is not adequately summarized in the lead. It is hinted at in the phrase "unsustainable demand from the exotic pet trade and traditional medicine has been the greatest cause for their decline" but this really doesn't give the reader any idea what's going on.
I've made an attempt at this. Let me know if this is better. I can't say too much because the lead is quite long as it is. – VisionHolder « talk » 03:31, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Both the section title and the lead summary are much improved, thanks! --Cryptic C62 · Talk 15:51, 8 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]

--Cryptic C62 · Talk 16:51, 6 May 2011 (UTC)[reply]

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