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Edmund Herring

[edit]

Hawkeye7 12:10, 15 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Kirill Lokshin

[edit]

Quite good, overall; a number of possible improvements, though:

  • The lead needs to be considerably longer; it should be a brief (two or three paragraphs) but thorough summary of the article, not a one-sentence blurb.
  • Section names should be in sentence case.
  • Long quotes will look much neater if properly formatted with blockquote tags.
  • The "Further reading" section shouldn't repeat works already listed in the references. Beyond this, I would recommend against the long-form first citation style; if the order of material in the article is rearranged, the citation will no longer make sense. I would suggest instead using short-form citations throughout and having a separate listing of references; see, for example, here.
  • The long quote in the "Quotes" section needs to be worked into the text or moved to WikiQuote.
  • The "See also" section should be eliminated; if the links are important, they should be given in the text.

Keep up the good work! Kirill 17:52, 20 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]

All done, although the short form citations make me wince Hawkeye7

Jackyd101

[edit]

Not bad, but some points.

  • Lead should be longer, recommend two sizable paragraphs explaining who he was, what he did and why he was notable in greater detail. Write in a clear and concise way, without references.
Writing clearly and concisely goes against my grain but I have inserted three paragraphs.
  • Did Edmund and Mary begin a relationship soon after they met? It jumps from them meeting to married; perhaps a short clarifying clause needed.
Yes, they had one month in January 1918, and corresponded after he returned to Salonika and Oxford. They got back together again in 1920. Added a couple of clauses.
  • "He joined the Young Nationalists, an organisation founded by Robert Menzies and Wilfred Kent Hughes." When and who were they?
I've wiki-linked it.
  • In Greece, the piece implies he abandoned his men, is this the case? And if so, didn't anybody have anything to say about it?
It does say that he "was ordered to evacuate from Greece". I have elaborated this episode.
  • At Buna it jumps from difficulties in supply to victory without any explanation. a sentence briefly explaining the battle would help. The following paragraph is also quite choppy, recommend smoothing the text out a bit.
  • "it was not Savige's fault". Its not clear what exactly Savige was being blamed for. Also, wording is a little awkward.
  • Decapitalised wikilinks where it makes grammatical sense. I have done a few but keep an eye out for them. (especially Battle of . . )
  • "However" used too much at start of sentences and even paragraphs. It is sometimes redundant and should be removed or replaced.
Done
  • World War II section too long, break into smaller sub-sections "Western desert", "Return to Australia", "New Guinea" etc.
  • World War II section has several short paragraphs of one or two sentences. Incorporate them into longer paragraphs above and below.
  • All quotes not embedded in the text should be in blockquote format.
Done
  • Chief Justiceship has broken and short paragraphs.
  • Is there a wikilink to Lieutenant-Governor of Victoria?
No.
  • Some sentances have too many commas.
  • What is ANGAU? The story is interesting and links to any further information would be useful.
Australian New Guinea Administrative Unit. I'll probably have to write this one.
  • Red links in general, whilst not bad per se, can detract from the article stylistically. Maybe consider writing short bios for some of the red linked generals?
No, but I have prepared long ones on Downes, Berryman, Vasey and Northcott. Coming up: Burston, Fairley, Savige, Secombe, Sturdee and Steele
  • Long quote should either be incorporated into the text or moved to Wikiquote.
done
  • "References" should be come "Notes", "Further reading" should be come "References" and "See Also" should be incorporated into the text
done
  • Metadata needed, see Ronald Niel Stuart under edit this page at the bottom for an example.
Done
  • All texts used should be added to the new references section
Done

In all a good piece with a lot of information and some nice ideas. I did a small tidy of space etc. for you, but I think the article requires a full copyedit once the chages above are carried out to tighten it up. Sources are good and some interesting quotes found. All the best.--Jackyd101 11:51, 29 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]

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