Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2011 July 14

< 2011 July 13

2011 July 14

2011 July 15 >

Back to main feedback page

Index of all pages

Written Works of L. Ron Hubbard

Please provide feedback, will be much appreciated! Thanks! http://wiki.riteme.site/wiki/Written_works_of_L._Ron_Hubbard

Orangepulp81 (talk) 00:04, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

We already have L. Ron Hubbard bibliography. Why do we need this article as well? Astronaut (talk) 11:49, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:JohnW130/Matt Bullen

I'll appreciate any feedback you can give me re. this article. Many thanks.

JohnW130 (talk) 03:10, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Looks fine to me, good work! I fixed the categories and put them in a comment - these should not be added to a page until it has been moved into article space. I also ran an application called WP:REFLINKS to automatically put the references into citation templates, which prevent WP:LINKROT (which is a good thing!). Happy editing! Nik thestoned 11:18, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Sassy Villainassy/St. Chux Derby Chix

I saved the first draft of my page, and it was almost immediately flagged. I was in the process of adding more info to the page, and received feedback. Please see the talk page for details. 1) I am NOT a skater with the league, and 2) I have added more notability and reliability links. I updated a page similar to this (another league that I was also NOT a skater with) and there were no issues. There is NO conflict of interest, and I believe I have proven the league and the information about it to be notable through reliable links and more detailed information. Please comment. I would be grateful to receive any feedback that will make this page better and more objective, if that is the problem. Sassy Villainassy (talk) 04:17, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

You're either "Sassy Villainassy", and as such affiliated in some way with the club (as per your Facebook) or you've registered someone's name that just-so-happens to be associated with the article you're writing about. That is a conflict of interest and, frankly, not declaring / denying it is just going to put your submissions under more scrutiny.

As to the article itself; you need to remove the in-line external links and you need to find some support for your claims in the article with citations from independent, third party sources. E.g., Newspaper articles are a good place to start! Nik thestoned 11:34, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Cleaned up the links and added references. Is there anything I can do to make it better, and is it suitable for moving out as a page for contributions? Sassy Villainassy (talk) 14:01, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

No, it's not suitable as yet. You have included references, sure, but they do not support the claims you are making. E.g., (as this is the first I saw!) in League Affiliations, you've put "SCDC is currently a USA Roller Sports (USARS) team" with a reference pointing at this site - I should be able to click that and see that, indeed, SCDC is a USARS team, whereas this link has no reference to SCDC whatsoever (I should not have to search for it!). There are also a whole load of unsupported claims in there - e.g., In Charity, "SCDC contributes to both local and national causes. On May 7, 2011, the league sponsored a bout for the Daryl Strawberry Foundation. In 2009, SCDC league members assisted the charity event "Pasta for Pets" during their annual auction event." - you have one ref which doesn't even mention the team in question. Every one of those 3 sentences should have a reference to confirm the statement.

So, assuming you've sorted all the references properly, you can remove the whole "Training and Practice" section (which should probably be done before finding references I suppose!) as there is no need for this to be in an encyclopaedia. Lastly, instead of listing the "media" that the team has appeared in, use those articles as references to add further text to the article - there's little point in listing a whole load of interviews if they're superfluous to the article.

If it would help, I can go through the article for you removing those bits that should be removed and marking the places requiring a citation? Nik thestoned 14:49, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Crap, I hope I am adding this question correctly. I think I am getting a better understanding after reading the documentation and your help. Here is where they are listed on the USARS page: http://www.usarsmembers.org/reports/club_listingbig.php?discipline=RD&region=Any

THAT is the reference link, but I am not allowed to link it in the paragraph (?).

Training and Practice facilities and methods are relevant and can be located on the website. Do I need separate links to the same website with different pages?

Finally, I am also confused about the media info. Is that not a reliable method to establish notability? I have read the WP pages suggested, and I was under the impression that was one of the ways to do it.

I think the page has been updated since your previous review, based on some of your feedback. Thanks for your help, and yes, I would appreciate any notes you provide on the page. Sassy Villainassy (talk) 15:15, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

OK, so I've just gone through and completed what I mentioned above. Anywhere that there is a ^{[citation needed]}, you need to find a reference which supports that claim and add it in. Some of the references which did not support claims have been removed, you'll need to replace these with more specific links. I also removed the "Training and Practice facilities" as mentioned as this is not needed. Very little will be unique to this team and anyone reading this page will not need to read through it - that's what the links to Roller Derbys in general and your official site are for. Nik thestoned 15:41, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you ever so much for the help. I added the citations (except for one...I'm still hunting for how to cite that, but it is noted and perhaps someone else can fill in that gap). I am now faced with duplicate references. How do I fix that? Also, I modeled my references after yours. Thank you again for your help. Sassy Villainassy (talk) 16:25, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

To use a reference twice, you first give it a name (<ref name="Foo">www.bar.com</ref>), then when you want to reference it again, you just include the first bit but add a slash at the end (<ref name="Foo"/>). No need to repeat the whole lot! Just make sure you don't use the same name twice and you should be good :) Nik thestoned 17:37, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Foo-bar. Absolutely. I really do appreciate all of your hand-holding and helping me clean this up. Thank you very much! Sassy Villainassy (talk) 20:02, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Hehe, not FUBAR but Foobar ;o) Nik thestoned 08:17, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Admin recommends I request feedback on drft art about SPLMToday

Demcanulty's recommendations appreciated and implemented. Rewritten article will be posted soon! -J.K.Herms

___

It's beginning to look pretty good I think, I particularly like all the citations. I wonder, though, if the introductory paragraph(s) might be improved with some editing for flow and clarity? Possibly the second paragraph: "Immediately before South Sudan..." belongs under the History heading? The second sentence: "SPLA and SPLM (..." could perhaps all be a parenthetical notation, as it is not about the SPLMToday site, but rather about a different subject. Alternately SPML and SPLA could simply be links to explanatory articles. Anyway, good work! I look forward to seeing other people's comments.

Demcanulty

___

User:J.K.Herms/SPLMToday

SPLMToday.com identifies itself as the official website of South Sudan’s governing party. Its actual provenance remains unclear. The article provides sources required for readers to evaluate the site’s authority. (See MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers.)

The subject is especially important because SPLMToday.com is the most-visited source of material about SPLM and because its home page invites SPLM supporters to disclose personal information.

Also, WP links to it.

A WP Admin recommends I request feedback. User talk:Fastily#SPLMToday revised.3B comments requested 15, 23

J.K.Herms (talk) 05:41, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

rexkott/springer

Please read this article which is based on my experiences with the database. you are welcome to add delete or give your own views on the said subject.

Please refer www.springermaterials.com for further references.

Thanks

115.97.41.228 (talk) 07:48, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Sjdsphians/Saint Joseph Diocesan School

Please advice what else I need to change to make this article acceptable. Kindly comment what is needed and what things should I remove. Its all about our school.

Sjdsphians (talk) 09:11, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

This page cites no sources whatsoever. Please see this easy guide to citing sources for information on how to do this. Additionally, it is written in a promotional tone and as though you are affiliated with the school itself. If that is the case, please also see this page on why writing with a conflict of interest is discouraged. Nik thestoned 11:06, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Welcome to the Jang House

I would like to remove the {{New unreviewed article}} tag from this page. Can someone take a look and remove it if appropriate please?! Thanks all, Nik thestoned 11:01, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Vjhamilton/Wascana review

Second request for feedback on this article about a small literary magazine. Thank you, Astronaut, for earlier response pointing out copyright issues with the magazine cover -- I have addressed that. Any other comments/corrections? Is this entry ready to be moved to Wikipedia proper?

Vjhamilton (talk) 13:30, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Isabella frank/Engage Mutual Assurance

I have written an overview of Engage Mutual Assurance with factual refernces, please let me know how the article could be improved.

I would really appreciate any feedback good or bad! Thanks Isabella frank (talk) 13:37, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Hi =)

You have included a list of references, but they are not inline. Please see WP:INCITE for information on how to do this. This links each claim with the reference which supports it, important for WP:Verifiability.
In addition, check out this page for the notability guidelines for organisations, as I'm not sure this article asserts the companies notability sufficiently.
Additionally, the page reads somewhat like an advert / press release for the company; e.g., don't write things like "As a mutual friendly society, it has no shareholders, but is owned by and run on behalf of its customers", instead, put this sort of thing in the other text and provide a wikilink: "Engage Mutual Assurance formed in 1980 as a Homeowners Friendly Society...", thereby avoiding explanation of terms in the article.
Lastly, you need to Template:Wikify the page as it's missing the infobox, sections and the lead is formatted incorrectly. (I've added this tag to the article. If you click the [show] hyperlink it will drop down a list of what needs doing.)

Cheers, Nik thestoned 14:20, 1 August 2011 (UTC)[reply]

GRINNELL_Grooved_Products

Looking for feedback on my newly published article. Thank you.

Ryguy104gt (talk) 13:50, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Danielbaker1/Tire_Rack_Draft

I'm fairly new to Wiki publishing, so I started with a company I enjoy - The Tire Rack. I'm from South Bend, bought my tires from there (and still do) and noticed they didn't have a wiki page. I've been dabbling for a while, and now thought I'd actually publish.

I think my notations are good, not a ton of info, but the basics are there. Are there any issues that would keep this from being valid or published?

Danielbaker1 (talk) 14:58, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

DIRECTV_Blimp

HI, please review and make adjustments as necessary. truly appreciate your help on this article.

DIRECTV Blimp (talk) 15:59, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Link to article: DIRECTV blimp

I noticed that Dtvblimp (talk · contribs) moved the page from a subpage of Gfrocky (talk · contribs). Even though Grfocky has only made one edit, I am concerned that you might both be the same person and could be accused of sockpuppetry even if your edits are in good faith. As the policy says, you should choose one username and stick to it. However, the Dtvblimp username might suggest a conflict of interest if you write about the DIRECTV blimp; that issue has already been mentioned on your talk page.

Turning to the article: I think the section about how airships fly would be better placed in the airship article. There are really only two references, both closely related to the subject and therefore perhaps not reliable sources; can you find nothing about this airship from other sources... newspapers, magazines, etc? It could do with wikilinks to other relevant articles in the encyclopedia. The biggest concern however is the lack of something that says why this particular airship is notable. yes, the current references confirm it exists, but why does it warrant an encyclopedia article? Astronaut (talk) 16:43, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I made the terrible mistake of giving my first wikipedia account the same name as the article I wanted to publish hence the change to gfrocky which is my IM screenname. I understand that having dtvblimp as the account name can suggest a conflic of interest but I'm not sure what to do at this point. what I'd like to do is rename my account to gfrocky and only keep that one. I'm interested in writing about the blimp because it's the only blimp in the world with the technology they are advertising and I see them at almost every baseball game I watch on tv. please help!!

User Astronaut. please see my earlier comment to your suggestions/concerns. I hope you can help thanks! DIRECTV Blimp (talk) 18:08, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I pulled all the disparate parts of this discussion together so people can see the correct flow of the discussion. There is no need to open a new section for each new entry in a single discussion. Use one or more ":" to indent if necessary. Astronaut (talk) 11:32, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Well, you already created gfrocky, so just start using that one and forget about the Dtvblimp user. You can drop a note on both user pages to make the link between the two clear. Unfortunately, Dtvblimp's edits cannot be "reassigned" to gfrocky. Astronaut (talk) 11:32, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

This article was accidentally submitted under the wrong account at first. it belongs to me, user:gfrocky. please comment as needed. thanks for the help!! Gfrocky (talk) 14:22, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

The Victorian Chaise-longue

the article is still brief, though i hope to add more to it soon. the novel is so slim that it's hard not to give anything away! please let me know if it is acceptable.

LambsC (talk) 16:27, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

It could do with a bit more adding to it. Don't worry about giving anything away, the purpose of the article isn't to sell the book; or at least it shouldn't be. Have a look at The Lord of the Rings and other book articles for ideas.--Ykraps (talk) 15:35, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Shall do. I'll add more to it soon and give a more detailed account of the plot. Thanks for the feed back. LambsC (talk) 10:40, 19 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Florentine Military Reforms

I'm going to be adding considerably more to this article, but i have a hankering fear that it may be deleted out of hand. Secondly, I want to know what people think of it, and how it appears. Specifically the historical backround that is presented, and could easily be expanded upon. Please make as many other suggestions as come to mind as well.

SteveMooreSmith3 (talk) 16:36, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

It looks pretty good to me. It appears to be a notable subject and has references, although not having those books I am unable to check them. I don't understand why you think it would be deleted but if you are really concerned you can move it to a user page while you work on it. For more in depth feedback and ideas, you could contact the guys at Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history.--Ykraps (talk) 15:54, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I see you are already familiar with the project.--Ykraps (talk) 16:08, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Eedelst/C3controls

I have tried to make this a wiki article, but it was flagged because at first it sounded like marketing and then for copyright infringement. I have made large changes and deleted the material said to be copyright infringement. Please review and give me any advice to make this ready to go "live." Thanks.

Eedelst (talk) 17:33, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Maharishi Vidya Mandir, Chennai

Sir, I am a student of Maharishi Vidya Mandir, Chennai. I made this draft hoping to cater to the informative need of Indian students regarding the school. However, I would want to know if my article is ready to be made live or are there any corrections to be done? I have included the official website of the school for refrence. It would be very kind of you to help! Thank you!

Sbanskota08 (talk) 19:40, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Article here:User:Sbanskota08/Maharishi vidya mandir, chennai

The article has a number of issues. It needs inline citations from reliable sources. See WP:Citing sources. You should avoid peacock language and making bold claims, particularly if they are unreferenced. You could add some blue links to other Wikipedia articles, such as Central Board of Secondary Education and Tamil Nadu, for example.--Ykraps (talk) 09:14, 16 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Sir, I did some changes like you said, for instance I changed a bit of the "peacock language" as you suggested. And also I added a few blue links wherever possible. Could you please give it one more look and tell what more should be done or if it is fit to go live? --Sbanskota08 (talk) 22:26, 18 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

The biggest issue is the lack of references. A good rule of thumb is to provide a reference for every quote, every statistic, every extraordinary claim and every paragraph. See WP:Citing sources for help with this. Take a look at similar articles like Amador Valley High School, for ideas such as, what to include, and how to divide the article under sub-headings.--Ykraps (talk) 19:31, 19 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Campaign of the Mallians

This is the most exhaustive article I've done yet, but I'm geting quite tired. I've made a number of blunders in but those I can go over later. My primary concern is the content of the article itself. Is it exhastuive? Is it good? Look at my im spelling wrong here. Just check it out tell me what you think.

I made significant revisions to the article. Please check it.

SteveMooreSmith3 (talk) 19:54, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:SarahHelenPrindle/Fred Walter Householder, Jr.

I'm looking for help in creating my first page. This page is very much "in process", but I would like some feedback.
I have information on the personal, academic, and professional life of American linguist Fred Householder, and I'd like to create a page. I believe he is a "notable" person worthy of an article, but I'm not sure what type of information to include, and how to link this page to similar pages on American linguists and linguistic theories. I don't want this page to be removed or orphaned! Thank you.

I've reviewed your article, you should check your profile for info

SarahHelenPrindle (talk) 20:58, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Pfmcmahon/Paddy_McMahon

I am creating this page to provide information about Paddy McMahon. Paddy is a well known writer in Ireland and worldwide, and has several best selling book titles. Please advise how I can improve the page. Thank you.

Pfmcmahon (talk) 21:06, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Henry_Lieberman

Please let me know if this is ok. I still don't have permissions to upload a picture of Henry

Kaydeeboy (talk) 21:21, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Garik.iosilevsky/The Center for the Development of Recycling

I want to make this article live, but I want some feedback so that it does not get a speedy deletion.

Any advice?

Thanks!

GI

130.65.58.148 (talk) 21:39, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User:Nathan2055/Bulbapedia

User:Nathan2055/Bulbapedia - Could someone look over this and help me make it live? Thanks! (Please add a notification to my talk page so I don't have to clutter my watchlist.) Nathan2055 ^talk 23:39, 14 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I'm submitting it for review at Articles for Creation. --Nathan2055 ^talk 18:17, 15 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Untitled Cousin of Ernest Thomas

I suspect, based on your question, that you found one of our over 6 million articles and thought we were affiliated in some way with that subject. Please note that you are at Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia that anyone can edit, and this page is for asking questions related to using or contributing to Wikipedia itself. Thus, we have no special knowledge about the subject of your question. You can, however, search our vast catalogue of articles by typing a subject into the search field on the upper right side of your screen. If you cannot find what you are looking for, we have a reference desk, divided into various subject areas, where asking knowledge questions is welcome. Best of luck. --Orange Mike | Talk 21:06, 20 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]