Wikipedia:Peer review/Susianna Kentikian/archive1

Susianna Kentikian

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for May 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This is a short article which was promoted to good article status not too long ago, and I am wondering how it might be improved further. The text can probably not be expanded much further, because sources for the topic are limited.

Thanks, EnemyOfTheState (talk) 13:56, 18 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting article and generally well done. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

A model article is often useful for ideas on structure, refs, style, etc.
- Unfortunately, there are no FAs on boxers, as far as I know, certainly non on female boxers. I used the good article Mike Tyson as a model for the awards and boxing records section.
The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article, with nothing important in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself. My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way. The current lead is decent, but the second paragraph seems a bit short - could more be added to it? For example, Professional boxing record (undefeated, 21 wins) is not in the lead but is a header.
- It is mentioned that she is undefeated in the first paragraph, and her boxing statistics are right there in the infobox, so I'm not sure whether they really need to be in the text of the lead as well.
In Early life could her city of birth be mentioned? How about the names of her parents and brother? Is her borther older or younger?
- I added this information.
Provide context for the reader - could the years of their first move to Germany or their move to Moldova or Russia be given? See WP:PCR
- I included the year of their move to Germany, though the exact year for their move to Russia and Moldova are not known I'm afraid. They likely left Germany in the same year, but I found no sources for that.
Article could use a copyedit to clean up awkward sentences / grammar - for example Kentikian had to fear expulsion from Germany for a long time.
- I changed that sentence. I guess there are more such sentences in the text, but unfortunately my ability to judge what might be awkward is limited, because I'm not a native speaker of English.
I don't understand this - if she had an amatuer 24 and 1 record, how was she "discovered"? Surely the professional boxing people were aware of her already? See Kentikian was discovered as a professional boxer at an exhibition fight during qualifications for the World Amateur Boxing Championships
- Female amateur boxing is nothing overly popular, I suppose. I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't aware of her at all, or maybe had heard of her, but never seen her fight before.
Give both English and metric units - for example 1.54 m - use of {{convert}} templates may be helpful here
- I included English units.

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 15:21, 24 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you very much. I tried to work on your suggestions. EnemyOfTheState (talk) 21:02, 26 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

There are people who will do copyedits listed at WP:PRV and WP:LOCE - I would ask on someone's talk page for help. Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 01:09, 29 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]