Wikipedia:Peer review/Storm (comics)/archive1

Storm (comics)

Hi, welcome to the peer review page of Storm (comics). It is already a GA, and I want to collect some feedback before making this a FAC. In detail, these are the most pressing answers:

Is the prose already good enough?
This article is about a fictional person. Does it make its fiction clear enough, without getting too long-winded? Does it make its real-life history clear, without getting cluttered?
Is the "Historical significance" section okay, or do I need more?
Is the referencing ok? The problem is, comics do not really qualify as primary sources, but they are necessary to make her history clear. I tried to put in as much real world references as possible (writers, artists, essays), but still, I would like to ask other people.

Comments and input are appreciated. —Onomatopoeia 18:28, 10 December 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Swap the Larroca and Turner pictures, the latter illustrates her as a weather goddess better. Split the Publication History with a Fictional Biography, ala Batman, and have the two compliment each other. Wiki-newbie 18:40, 10 December 2006 (UTC)[reply]

~~The word "currently" in the second sentence of the lead paragraph should be removed.~~
~~"Halle Berry plays..." would "portrays" work better here?~~
~~Change "Main article:" for "African characters in comics" to "See also:", since the main article isn't solely about Storm.~~
~~Fix citation #50 (comics2film.com) by clicking on "Close Fan Feed" and citing IMDb.com directly.~~
~~Two instances of "Ever since" can be reduced to "Since".~~
"When she finds out Forge has built it (she accidentally overhears a phone conversation between Forge and Gyrich), she is heartbroken and leaves him." Sentence should be rewritten to exclude parentheses.
~~"the new adjectiveless X-Men (vol. 2) comic" — adjectiveless seems awkward. Any way to rewrite it?~~
~~"the eponymous Storm #1-#4" Exclude the second # character to be "#1-4".~~
~~"Other versions" section could be re-titled as it is not immediately clear what the section is about — maybe something like "Alternate universes"?~~
~~In "Film" and "Other" subsections under "Appearances in other media", does there need to be a bullet for these stand-alone paragraphs?~~
~~Is Sounds Like a Storm's Comin' a valid external link that expands on the reader's knowledge of Storm and not just linkspam?~~

~~Just some general observations, mostly nitpicking. :)~~ --Erik (^talk/_contrib) @ 19:29, 10 December 2006 (UTC)[reply]

~~I'd also advise turning Cockrum's quote into prose. Wiki-newbie 19:41, 10 December 2006 (UTC)~~[reply]

"...started writing many X-Men stories (most prominently the Dark Phoenix Saga), with Storm as an important supporting character..." — "most prominently" seems POV if not explained why, and "important" might work better as "major"
"In Uncanny X-Men #102 (December 1976), Claremont established her backstory." — "her" into "Storm's", since it is a new paragraph and should re-identify personal pronouns.
"...which Storm's Egyptian ancestor, Ashake, is expert in." → "...in which Storm's Egyptian ancestor, Ashake, is expert."
They move to Harlem in uptown New York City, where they have Ororo..." — "have" may be unclear to some; re-word to reflect pregnancy more directly.
"Claremont further fleshed out her backstory..." Again, "her" should be "Storm's", as it is another new paragraph.
"Although Storm initially is written having trouble adjusting to Western culture, particularly the sort represented by her sometimes-vicious teammate Wolverine..." — What would be an example that Wolverine represented, to clarify to the nonfan?
"Claremont further stirred up matters when he wrote an arc in which her soon-to-be romantic interest..." — "stirred up matters" seems casual and not very clear about the actual effect with fans.
"most notably that power loss did not lead her to being a lesser fighter" — "Most notably" seems POV without clarification.
"In one well-known arc, The X-Tinction Agenda, she is kidnapped to the mutant-exploiting fictional nation of Genosha and is temporarily transformed into a brainwashed mutate, but then regains her memory." Two things: "well-known arc" according to whom? Secondly, the sentence is a run-on sentence ("and" and "but") and should be broken down into two or three.
"Lobdell made Forge propose to Storm in 1992, but due to a misunderstanding, Lobdell made Forge rescind his offer before Storm could say yes.[20] Lobdell waited until November 1993 before he made a deeply hurt Storm and Forge make up with each other." The verb "made" is used three times here. Can variation be provided?
"Marrow would survive due to her second heart, and would later regret her actions, make up with Storm and join the X-Men." Seems uncited; is there an actual issue where Marrow and Storm fixed it up?
"In X-Treme X-Men (July 2001), conceived by a newly-reinstated Chris Claremont, Storm was written the leader of this team of more street-wise X-Men (as opposed to its sister titles, Uncanny X-Men and New X-Men, which featured more straight-laced X-Men)." Can the parentheses be phased out?
"In the 2005 Mark Sumerak miniseries Ororo: Before the Storm #1-#4, her backstory with Achmed el-Gibar was retold in more detail." What kind of detail? Is it necessary to mention this if no detail is provided?
"Expanding on the relationship that Storm had with Black Panther, Dickey that Storm has..." — Need a word between "Dickey" and "that".
"Storm shares noteable similarities with Lt. Uhura..." Notable to whom? Another word would be better... maybe "characteristic"?
"In addition, since the same Uncanny X-Men #102 issue, Storm has been portrayed as being violently claustrophobic. Over the decades, writers have often used this as a plot device in order to trap Storm." This is under "Powers and abilities", which seems to be the wrong section for this information.
"However, Millar wrote this as a troubled romance, as Beast (written as a character with a deep inferiority complex after a lifetime of ridicule) can not believe anyone could truly love him." Phase out parentheses.
"Current writer Robert Kirkman has continued establishing a Storm - Wolverine friendship..." Remove "Current", and re-word to "the friendship between Storm and Wolverine" instead of using the dash.
"In this version, Yuriko is written as a fellow thief when Storm is still a teenage thief, and their friendship ends in a motorcycle chase which Ororo halts with a sudden rainstorm; Yuri loses control, has a seemingly fatal collision with a truck and is rebuilt into a cyborg by amoral Dr. Cornelius of the mutant superweapon project Weapon X." The sentence is too long and could be broken down into two or three.
"In the alternate universe What If series, written by various writers, Storm has been portrayed as a goddess of Asgard;[44] stays a thief and refused to join the X-Men[45] a potential X-Men recruit targeted by Mr. Sinister, written as the shady leader of the X-Men;[46] the wielder of the Phoenix force, calling herself Stormphoenix and being the ruthless tyrant of earth, freezing every opposition in the atmosphere;[47] marries a fellow X-Man, the feral Wolverine and bears his daugther Kendall Logan, who becomes the hero known as Torrent, having some of her mother's control over weather as well as her father's feral abilities.[48] A relationship between Wolverine and Storm was also shown in the X-Men animated series episode "X-Men: The Animated Series: 'One Man's Worth'" (1995).[49][38]" — First, "daugther" is misspelled. Secondly, this is a run-on. Can this be broken down and especially identified as separate alternate universes? When I first read it, I thought she was all these things in one alternate universe because of the run-on.
"In the third movie, Storm takes over as the director of the Xavier Institute, and as the leader of the X-Men after the death of former director Professor Charles Xavier." Don't know if this is a concern, but this could spoil the movie for some...
The ride (based on a common teacup ride) 'Storm Force Acceleration'..." — Phase out parentheses again.

Whew, sorry to nitpick even more, but I like the article a lot. Just needs some dabbing here and there. :) --Erik (^talk/_contrib) @ 19:56, 10 December 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Took me a LOT of time, but I finally did it. —Onomatopoeia 08:59, 30 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, AZ _t 21:34, 10 December 2006 (UTC)[reply]