Wikipedia:Peer review/Shahid Nadeem/archive1

Shahid Nadeem

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to bring this article to GAC sometimes in the future. As no-one ever review it before and it's out of regular editing so I'd like feedback regarding everything like grammar, prose, inline citations, etc.

Thanks, Captain Assassin! ^{«T ♦ C ♦ G»} 19:12, 30 July 2014 (UTC)

• Overall it needs a good copyedit, but only once you're sure you've exhausted every reliable source you can (always difficult with peopl ein mid-career, I know, but newspaper searches are often good grounds in which to hunt. A few comments below for you to mull over:

Career

• "Gen.": don't abbreviate on the first use: use the full title so people understand what it is.
• "Shahid" It took me a moment to realise we were talking about Nadeem. Use the family name throughout, without exception
• Zia...Zia: Should be avoided. Consider re-drafting to "During the rule of General Zia-ul-Haq, Shahid was imprisoned for his political activism in 1969, 1970 and 1979."
• "he was forced to live out abroad": Firstly you don't need "out"; secondly a few more details would be good, if available in the sources: "forced" by who, and how? Threatened by gangsters; nationality revoked by the government; economic migrancy; or did he just think Pakistan was becoming too risky for him? I'm also not sure about the dates (1991-93): was that when he was in HK, or when he was working for Amnesty? Depending on what you can find from the sources, perhaps think about re-framing as:

• "Because his political activity was leading Nadeem into increasing problems with the government, he moved to London in 1980., where he worked for Amnesty International until 1988. (Add information about his writing work in here—see below for my chronology point). He moved to Hong Kong between 1991 and 1993, and then to Los Angeles.[4]"

• An idea of when he returned to Pakistan would be good, if available
• Try and run through events chronologically. The second and third paragraphs (Nadeem has directed and written several plays for theatres, also directed and written television serials mostly for PTV.[6][7] His mostly plays are originally written in Urdu and Punjabi languages while others are adaption of English plays.[4] / He also worked for some newspapers like The Express Tribune.[8]) are summaries of his life, rather than a read through of his career. We jump from Los Angeles to him writing television work in Pakistan. There's no reference to any thoughts of him writing before, so it jars a bit.

• His plays date back to his time in London, so you should make reference of his burgeoning writing career
• The Express Tribune stories all seem to be from 2011, so can be dropped chronologically into the right section

• You need to watch your formatting for italics: neither Naseem Abbas nor Akshara Theatre
• Saadat Hassan Manto should be linked on the first reference, not lower down

Filmography and Awards

• Nothing in these two sections carries a citation
• "Films" & "Television": You don't need notes columns if there are no notes

Footnotes

• Does Pakistan use the American date format (April 12, 2013)? I thought they adopted for themselves the British system (12 April 2013)? (A few Pakistan-related FAs & FLs I glanced at also use the DMY format).
• FN4 should be formatted as The Columbia Encyclopedia of Modern Drama
• Why is FN8, 14 and 18 tribune.com.pk, but FN 19 The Express Tribune? Be consistent throughout
• Ditto FN16 (The Hindu) and FN 17 (thehindu.com)

Hope these help! - SchroCat (talk) 08:30, 3 August 2014 (UTC)

Just a few suggestions. I agree with what SchroCat says above:

• Consider separating out different aspects of his career into different sections.
• How do you know it was British India rather than part of an independent nation if he was born in 1947 but you can't tell any more specific?
• Avoid short, one paragraph sections.
• I agree with the need for a copyedit. Once that is done, come back to me and I'll review again.
• Much potential here but needs some work.--Wehwalt (talk) 15:13, 3 August 2014 (UTC)