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Wikipedia:Peer review/School Rumble/archive3

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Previous peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it failed a recent FAC proposal. After discussing why at WT:FAC#School Rumble, I have started to implement some of the suggestions.

In order to get more opinions, I am seeking further opinion on what could improve the article with these notations:

  1. There is no English anime sales data that is publicly available
  2. There is no more forthcoming info on the fansubbing contriversy, ie how it affected sales.

Some suggestions in the discussion made were:

  1. Reformat the lead to talk more about "why School Rumble is important", including leading off with it and making it less of a listing of releases and dates (note: the current version does comply with mirror the format of Tokyo Mew Mew, the most recent Anime FA though)
  2. Convert some of the larger non-controversial citations with a lot of refs into 1 all-encompassing ref
  3. Any further copy-editing in the prose that can make it more engaging
  4. Bringing the article here for further comment

Thanks, Jinnai 07:09, 20 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Crimsonfox's Comments

  • I noticed differences of spelling "skeptical" and "sceptical" - There may be others that I didn't spot.
  • Refs 68-71 are dead, might be a site problem so keep an eye on them
  • Minor point really but some formatting of numbers is inconsistent. Some are written as numbers and some written in text. (26 and twenty-six)
    • Fixed. For some I left them as prose because it wouldn't flow well with the rest of the sentence. FE: "Sakura Eries, also of Mania.com, gave volumes five, six, and eight to eleven overall positive..."Jinnai 01:12, 4 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

  • "English-language translation have been overall positive" - Switch "overall" and "positive" -> "positive overall" - Better flow.
  • "centered around some of jokes" - "the jokes"
  • "has received similarly great sales" - Suggestion: "has received similar sales" Seems slightly not NPOVish
    • Edited the first 2 and changed the last to "The anime adaptation has also sold well in Japan..." As it charted I think there's no NPOV issue with stating it had good sales.Jinnai 01:12, 4 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
      • It was more a case with the word "great", it seemed to imply a little more. Doesn't matter now you've changed it.

Development

Manga

  • "In School Rumble, those chapters" - "those" seems redundant
  • "In School Rumble, those chapters marked with a sharp sign (♯) concern the main plot development focusing around Tenma and Harima, while side stories dealing with supporting characters are indicated by a flat sign (♭)." - Are four citations needed to back up this claim? One if a reliable source directly claims it, and I guess two is there isn't as you could cite the manga for it, possibly even one if you don't specify specific page numbers
  • Same with the sentence after regarding use of the natural sign, one citation is probably enough

Anime

  • "as streaming content on the Internet." - Does internet need to be capitalised? Not sure on this one, never really thought about it.
  • "The Second Semester was screened, along with several other titles," - "along with several other titles" doesn't add any extra information as it mentions "film festival" anyway indicating there were more films shown.
  • "The anime's first season focuses primarily" - "primarily" is redundant as there is no mention in the paragrapph of what else it focuses on.
  • Sentence a the end, I think needs to have the punctuation outside of the quote marks.

Sales

Reception

Anime - Quote marks needed around that block quote My bad, this is wrong. CrimsonFox talk 00:38, 4 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Hope these comments help, the article seems pretty comprehensive. The large amount of references after some statements does seem slightly messy, is there definitely no way for them to be reworked so not so many are needed? CrimsonFox talk 11:45, 3 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]