Wikipedia:Peer review/Reality Killed the Video Star/archive1

Reality Killed the Video Star

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to nominate the article as a "good artice" (GA), but before that I would like to know if there is anything else to improve.

Thanks, MariAna_MiMi (Talk) 16:18, 12 July 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Obviously, a lot of dedicated work has gone into this article. There are, however, a number of ways in which it could be improved.

• Lead
  • "Over 23 countries..." sounds strange; either be precise, or say "over 20 countries".  Done MariAna_MiMi (Talk) 18:37, 1 August 2010 (UTC)
  • "music critics" does not require a wikilink (everyday language)  Done
  • "viewed by many" Many what? Critics, fans, members of the public, etc?  Done
  • The possessive apostrophe after "JLS" looks distinctly odd. This has to be rendered as "JLS's"  Done
  • General re lead: the section needs expansion so that it becomes a true summary of the article. All the sections of the article need to be summarised, albeit briefly, in the lead.
• Background
  • "Reality Killed The Video Star is Williams' first studio album in three years" Needs to be "was". Also (next sentence), I suggest you rephrase: "In that period he worked with many producers..."  Done
  • The words "at the end" are unnecessary.  Done
  • Word missing? "...required by Williams to [fulfil] his EMI contract."  Done
  • "and said that it would not be released until 2009." To what does "it" refer?  Done
  • "...will be released in late 2009" → "would be released in late 2009.  Done
• Tense consistency required. ("was mostly written", "was recorded", "Amongst those who collaborated in the songwriting are..." Later, "it was confirmed that the new album will be titled..." Should read "would be titled"  Done
  • Soon after..." Soon after what?  Done
  • "...a play of the song "Video Killed the Radio Star" by Horn's former band The Buggles." This needs rewording for clarity, perhaps "a reference to the song "Video Killed the Radio Star" by Horn's former band The Buggles."  Done
  • "...a last minute tribute song to Jackson that will be released on the album." Needs updating, since the album has now been released.  Done
  • The last sentence, about the proposed Italian name, seems out of place, since you have earlier said, in the "Soon after" sentence, that the album was to called Reality killed the Video Star.  Done
• Musical style: Where does the quote from Sutherland end? If, as seems to be the case, it covers the entire paragraph, this is far too long for a verbatim quote; it needs to be summarised and paraphrased. Also, a discussion of the album's musical style needs to involve more than one person's opinion.
• Release and promotion
  • "A special CD called Songbook was released on October 11, 2009 with The Mail on Sunday." Need to clarify that this was issued free with each cpy of the newspaper.  Done
  • "The show featured a full band orchestrated by Trevor Horn". Needs rephrasing; you can't "orchestrate" a band, you orchestrate music.  Done
  • Overall, this section is confusing, with its multiple accounts of Williams's various appearances before and after the release. I think this material could be cut down significantly, by removing trivial details, e.g. Williams's non-appearance on 5 December and reducing the number of mentions of concert appearances.
  • ""Morning Sun" was confirmed to be the third single by EMI Germany." I don't understand what that means.  Done
• Critical reception: Far, far too many verbatim quotes. Although key or arresting phrases can properly be quoted direct, the main prose ought to be your own, using – as I said before – summary and paraphrase. Also, giving comments from eleven critics is overdoing it; four or five, possibly six, but no more, should provide an adequate cross-section.
• Re refrences: I haven't done a references check, but I did notice one thing: you have at tendency to treat website names or web addresses as publishers. One example at random: Ref 72, the publisher is Australian Recording Industry Association, not aria.com.au. There are many more instances.

I hope that you find these comments useful. It would greatly assist the peer review process if you were able, in return, to review one of the articles in the backlog listed in the WP:PR page. Brianboulton (talk) 18:19, 21 July 2010 (UTC)

Thank you very, very much for your time and effort invested in the review. I only saw that you reviewed the article today. I will try to fix all the problems as well as reviewing other articles myself. :-) MariAna_MiMi (Talk) 19:24, 1 August 2010 (UTC)

Semi-automated peer review here [1] Yousou (talk) 22:39, 11 August 2010 (UTC)