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I thought I'd have trouble finding sources, but I did suprisingly well, I think. Sound samples will be forthcoming in the next day or two. Any other suggestions? Tuf-Kat 05:13, 12 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Would it make sense to comine notes 19 and 20 as pp 69-70? Circeus 05:38, 12 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]
Makes sense. Tuf-Kat 05:40, 12 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]
  • Does anybody have any suggestions on the second paragraph of the lead. It says some important things about Philadelphia, I think, but it looks weird to bring Cleveland into it, as though there's some reason to compare Philly and Cleveland. Still, I don't want to lose the crux of it, just downplay the Cleveland bit... Tuf-Kat 05:54, 12 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]
    • Nevermind, I just moved all mention of Cleveland to a footnote. Tuf-Kat


  • It'd be nice to have something in the top right corner like a state musicbox or a picture.
  • attributes to a musical "shadow thrown by New York", sounds weird for an inserted quote, I'd expect "musical shadow thrown by New York". Almost sounds manipulated.
    • Not sure how to fix this -- he doesn't use the word "musical", but it's clear what is meant - "Artistically and culturally, it can't hope to throw off the huge shadow thrown by New York, about a hundred miles to the north." I'll put the whole quote in a footnote. Tuf-Kat
  • The major music venues in Philadelphia include the International House Folklife Center, which hosts traditional music from around the world at the campus of the University of Pennsylvania, that formulation is clunky
  • The third paragraph under "venues" is poorly structured. The wholesection could probably used a more logical grouping or progression.
  • located in a Philadelphia mall. Which mall?
    • Unable to confirm that it's in a mall, added that it's in a Lord and Taylor Tuf-Kat
  • when it was especially noted for classical composers. Examples?
    • Fixed. (More to come on the subject too) Tuf-Kat
  • "Music history" ends at the beginning of 20th century. Maybe change the title?
    • Layout tweaked quite a bit, does this help?
  • the location of American Bandstand led to a surge of attention for performers on local labels like Swan Records, Cameo-Parkway and Chancellor Records. For somereason, I have trouble reading that sentence. Maybe it has garden path characteristics?
  • Locally produced pop stars that came from this system included [...] What? they're not included anymore?
  • Clark eventually became part of a payola scandal the "eventually" makes it sound like it was inevitable
  • The "Philly soul"section looks more complete than the separate article on the subject, which really ought to be linked as a Main article
  • It's not quite clear that the stuff under "20th and 21st century" details the evolution of the genres separately from each, rather than in a chronological order.
    • Not entirely sure what you mean. At present, each genre is presented separately but in roughly chronological order -- the section on jazz is the only problem, since it covers a wide range of time. Now that I've subsumbed "Popular music" into "Music history", I'll see if I can make this a more obvious chronological layout. Tuf-Kat
  • Philadelphia's jazz scene produced a number of bop-era saxophonists, whose virtuosity inspired John Coltrane, who lived in Philadelphia for a time. Coltrane became one of the most renowned jazz musicians of the 20th century, known for an "active, vigorous, emotionally charged style". Coltrane seems to be all over the article, so this sounds oddly out of place.
  • The "R&B and hip hop" section should be extended or merged with another one. One paragraph is a tad too short. You solved that already XD
  • No "see also" section
  • And onelast thing: Music of Pennsylvania doesn't seem to be referenced anywhere...

That's what I see right now Circeus 06:17, 12 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]