Wikipedia:Peer review/Mohamed Bouazizi/archive1
| Toolbox |
|---|
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am hoping to get this up to the status of a Good Article and I wanted to run it through peer review to see what I need to work on. Thanks, The Egyptian Liberal (talk) 04:01, 18 June 2011 (UTC)
Review by ResMar 17:53, 28 June 2011 (UTC)
- Lead
- ...more commonly known as Mohamed Bouazizi... This is just a shortened form of his name, so I would change "known as" to "known simply as"
- His act became a catalyst for the Tunisian Revolution, inciting demonstrations and riots throughout Tunisia in protest of social and political issues in the country. His incident was what "tipped the iceberg" so to speak. I think you should make clear what it catalyzed that led to such a major event.
- Early life and employment struggles
- Bouazizi lived in a modest stucco home... Modest is a peacock word. Especially in the context, I do not know, and most people wouldn't, I think, know what kind of a house a street salesman would live in. Can you provide a size or something similar? I understand this may be an issue with sourcing.
- Confiscation of wares and self-immolation
- It has also been claimed that Bouazizi did not have the funds to bribe police officials to allow his street vending to continue. "Claimed" really sticks out here; the following quote from his sister shows that it's factual, does it not?
- Death and funeral
- According to Bouazizi's sister... How does she know what happened: was she there, or did other people tell her? If she was there, why was she there?
- Aftermath
- He is credited with galvanising the frustrations of the region's youth... By "region's" do you mean Tunisia or North Africa? This should be made more clear.
- On February 17, 2011, the main square...prior to that... Unnecessary chronological reversal disrupts flow.
- ...secretary-general of the Sidi Bouzid municipality You repeat the details of his position twice, which is once more then necessary.
- According to Bouazizi's mother, who was not aware of her son's intentions before he carried out his act of self-immolation... I dare say not! His actions were carried out in anger of an event that occurred after he left for the day, and what kind of suicide victim tells his mother he's about to kill himself? I've gone and removed this bit, but this sentence gave me a good laugh =).
- I've only lightly touched the material from the beginning of the article, but flow is more of a problem as I work down the article, something I'm fixing right now.
- Also: you used hard spacing in one date; that's correct, but you need to apply it to other dates as well! I've fixed some of these for you.
Overall I liked it. Interesting topic. ResMar 19:15, 28 June 2011 (UTC)
- Just a heads up: I'm away for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. ResMar 02:36, 2 July 2011 (UTC)