Jump to content

Wikipedia:Peer review/Miguel Ángel Mancera/archive1

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because this is the first time I wrote an article about a BLP, any kind of biography, and a non-musical article. I'd like to know what is missing and if there is information that may be removed. I think the article is a WP:GA material, so it may need a c/e (English is not my first language, so there may be gramatical, prose and syntax errors). Any kind of suggestions are welcomed, Thanks, Tbhotch. Grammatically incorrect? Correct it! See terms and conditions. 20:42, 14 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments:

  • "lawyer and politician that works" --> "lawyer and politician who works"
  • "Master": Is this a master's degree? Best to say so.
  • "decreased up to 12%" --> "decreased by up to 12%"
  • I think the first sentence should include the face that he is the mayor-elect of Mexico City. Also, "Mayor" needn't be capitalized.
  • "where he studied the kindergarten" --> "where he went to kindergarten"
  • "Secondary number 45" --> "Secondary School 45"?
  • "he had a car accident, where another car crashed them and Mancera was the co-pilot.": Was he the passenger? Co-pilot isn't used to describe anyone in a car. Also it should be "another car crashed into his"
  • "The public ministry asked Mancera to sign a document, which resulted to be a responsive letter that exempted liabilities for the driver of the car that caused the accident." I think should be: "The public ministry asked Mancera to sign a document that exempted the driver of the car that caused the accident from liability."
  • "Mancera asked then-Attorney General of the Federal District, Victoria Adato Green, assisted by Diego Ramudia, to pursue the case, managing to sanction the responsible" i think should be "Mancera asked Victoria Adato Green, then-Attorney General of the Federal District, to pursue the case, assisted by Diego Ramudia, and managed to sanction the responsible driver." Also, who is Diego Ramudia?
  • "after he revalidated four subjects": I'm not sure what "revalidated" means here.
  • "per the auspices of" --> "under the auspices of"
  • "adviser in several law firms" --> "adviser at several law firms"
  • "and" needed before "Autonomous University of Baja California"
  • "he began working in government after a Marcelo Ebrard invitation as his adviser, who was Mexico City Secretary of Public Security" --> "he began working in government after Marcelo Ebrard, who was Mexico City Secretary of Public Security, invited him to be his adviser"
  • "As Andrés Manuel López Obrador" --> "After Andrés Manuel López Obrador"
  • "News Divine Bar Incident": Can this be wikilinked?
  • "in which a botched police raid nine teenagers and three police officers died" --> "in which nine teenagers and three police officers died in a a botched police raid"
  • "decreased 12%" --> "decreased by 12%"
  • ""the national crime level rose 10.4%" --> "the national crime rate rose 10.4%"
  • "Average annual crime in Mexico City decreased 3.5% annually, on average, from 2007 to 2011": Remove "annually, on average,"
  • "179 street gangs were disjoined, with a total of 706 gang members" --> "179 street gangs with 706 members were disbanded"
  • "Jesús Rodríguez Almeida took place as Attorny General" --> "Jesús Rodríguez Almeida took his place as Attorny General"
  • "Mancera registered him as a precandidate": remove "him" or say "himself"
  • "Since then, Mancera's electoral preference increased from 36% in March to 41% in April, in an El Universal daily poll" --> "Electoral preference for Mancera then increased from 36% in March to 41% in April in an El Universal daily poll"
  • "In May, Mancera preferences increased to 57.5%" --> "In May, Mancera's favorability increased to 57.5%"
  • "in home of Luis Creel": I'm not sure what this means.
  • "six million dollars" --> "$6 million"
  • "both politicians disassociated the incident" --> "both politicians disassociated themselves from the incident"
  • "increase of 13.000 to 20.000 safety cameras" --> "an increase of 13,000 to 20,000 safety cameras"
  • "reduce car travel time" --> "a reduction of car travel time"
  • "expansion of" --> "the expansion of"
  • "review the issue" --> "a review of the issue"
  • "the minibuses will be removed from the streets" --> "the removal of minibuses from the streets"
  • "18 water purification plants" --> "the construction of 18 water purification plants"
  • "replacement of the garbage trucks, to separate it into organic and inorganic wastes" --> "the replacement of garbage trucks to separate organic and inorganic waste"
  • "with a percentage of 59.5–64.5%" --> "with a margin of 59.5–64.5%"
  • "approximately 40% more votes than the second place, Paredes" --> "and had approximately 40% more votes than the second-place candidate, Paredes"
  • "endorsing him with a constancy": I'm not sure what this means.
  • "The first time he married a woman" --> "His first marriage was to a woman"
  • "in civil union a year": "for a year"
  • "and after six years, Mancera married Magnolia": No comma needed.
  • "with whom have two children": Better: "with whom he had two children"
  • "Mancera has a daughter out of wedlock, and according to him, the child's mother does not want Mancera to seen her" --> "Mancera has a daughter out of wedlock, but he has said the child's mother does not want Mancera to see her"
  • "His bodyguard intervened shooting a robber" --> "His bodyguard intervened and shot one of the robbers"
  • This is generally an all right article. There are some linguistic issues, but perhaps the most important thing is to put that he's the mayor-elect high up in the lead section.--Batard0 (talk) 21:14, 19 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • All done, excepting for "revalidate". In Spanish it has sense but I don't know how to say it in English. What I'm trying to say is that he had to took 4 new classes to validate his studies from the Faculty of Medicine to the Faculty of Law to make the change. Thank you so much for the review. Tbhotch. Grammatically incorrect? Correct it! See terms and conditions. 02:29, 20 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]