Wikipedia:Peer review/Healthy in Paranoid Times/archive1

Healthy in Paranoid Times

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like it to eventually reach GA or even FA if possible. I had been piecing this article together behind the scenes for several months and feel that it is finally in good form. I still think several things need tweaking, such as reference style, cohesion, prose style & whatnot. I need a second opinion of this.

Thanks, Publichall (talk) 03:57, 1 February 2010 (UTC)

Comments by GeeJo

• Images:
  • The fair use rationale on File:HealthyInParanoidTimes.jpg is a joke, and not a funny one. Rewrite it.
  • It would probably be a good idea to upload a version at a lower resolution, matching the dimensions used in the article.
  • Alt text for the album cover is needed.
• Lede:
  • "The disc was released on a standard CD as well as a DualDisc, with the DVD side containing a documentary on the making of the album." - Standard CDs don't have a DVD side, which this sentence layout suggests.
  • "The album fared well in both Canada and the U.S., but didn't match up to the expectations of their previous smash hit, Gravity." - The previous album didn't have expectations about the new one, expectations were raised because of it.
  • I'd drop the exact dates for the single releases from the lede, and shift them down into the main body, where they don't appear at all in the current version. Remember, the lede is supposed to summarise the article, it shouldn't give any details which aren't further expanded on in the main text.
  • "According to the album's liner notes, Healthy was recorded in 1165 days at ten different studios." - Again, not mentioned anywhere in the body of the text. If you do want to keep it, at least drop the opening half of the sentence.
  • Gigabytes can be abbreviated to GB. Use non-breaking spaces between numbers and units.
  • Decide whether you're going to abbreviate Our Lady Peace to OLP, and be consistent.
  • "The second single, however, "Angels/Losing/Sleep" has..." - Reads clunkily. Drop either however, or the single name.
  • "making the jarred, falsetto-like voice Raine Maida and Our Lady Peace was formerly known for" - Making isn't the verb you're looking for here.
  • "More songs, like "Boy"" - Other songs, not more songs.
  • Be consistent in italicising Gravity.
  • "also have a lighter melody and vocals, instead of the heavier sounds on Gravity" - I'd switch ", instead of" to "than".

I didn't go farther than the lead because, to be honest, there are too many problems with grammar and sentence structure in the current version to go through and pick out individual examples beyond this. Go over it again with an eye to writing better prose, or enlist the help of someone from a relevant wikiproject to lend a hand in this regard, then bring it back for another try. You may also want to have a look at other album FA/GAs to see how they arrange their information, and at the guidelines in Wikipedia:Lead section. GeeJo ^(t)⁄_(c) • 15:34, 10 February 2010 (UTC)

• Interesting, everything you just commented on is not my writing. I mostly included all of the old article in to the new article. Regardless, thanks for the start. Publichall (talk) 18:10, 10 February 2010 (UTC)