Wikipedia:Peer review/Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)/archive1

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)

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I've listed this article for peer review because, with the Potter franchise coming to an end, I want to be able to feature this on July 15, 2011, with arrival of the final Potter. Also, I want to feature the 8th-highest grossing film ever.

Thanks, Guy546^(Talk) 18:40, 2 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Brianboulton comments: I've done a detailed review of the first two-thirds of the article. A few more comments will follow on the final sections, but here is some stuff for you to be getting on with:-

Lead

"The film was shot primarily at Leavesden Film Studios, as well as historic buildings around the country, and was released in the United Kingdom and the United States in November 2001." The grammar is wrong. Also, you need to specify "the country".
The film won't always be "the eighth highest-grossing film of all time", so it might be better to qualify: "...and as of October 2010 was..."

Done. Guy546^(Talk) 20:34, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Plot

"invited to begin attending" → "invited to attend"
"Harry boards the train to Hogwarts via the concealed platform 9¾." You need to name the railway satation.
"On the train leading to Hogwarts..." The phrase "leading to Hogwarts"s is redundant
"Harry inadvertently makes Gryffindor's Quidditch team as a Seeker..." Perhaps briefly explain what Quidditch is (don't rely solely on links). Also, "inadvertently"? As I recall, it was due to his skill as a broomstick rider.
The paragraph beginning "after hearing from Hagrid" is very confusing. What does "get to it" mean? Where are these "tasks" carried out, and who supervises them? Then: "Quirrell tries to kill him but Harry's touch burns him to death. Quirrell then crumbles into dust and dies." He crumbles to dust and dies after being burnt to death?

Done. Harry did inadvertantly join the Quidditch team, though, because McGonagall saw him flying in her office. Guy546^(Talk) 20:34, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Cast

"Figgis left production" → "Figgis left the production"
"were selected from thousands of auditioning children..." The words "from thousands of auditioning children" are redundant.
There is too much plot information in some of the entries, especially that for Harry Potter.
Terms such as "Muggle-born" need explaining.

Done. Guy546^(Talk) 20:34, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Development

"In the Rubbish Bin section of her website..." We don't need such detail
Same sentence: "maintains that she has no role ... and said..." Tenses conflict
Does Rowling actually use "veto-ed" (with hyphen)? If so, she should know better. The word is "vetoed"
"Kloves was sent a selection of synopses of books proposed as film adaptations, which he "almost never read". Doesn't read right. I think you mean: "Kloves often received synopses of books proposed as film adaptations, which he "almost never read".
"over 4 July 2001 weekend" is awkward phrasing. Why not just "on 4 July"?

Done, except the 4 July part. I looked at a calendar for 2001 and 4 July was on a Wednesday that year. Also, she did write "veto-ed", so I put a sic sign on it. Guy546^(Talk) 20:34, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Filming

Avoid two "ands" in a sentence ("Warner Bros. accepted their proposal..." etc)
What does "principal photographt" mean?
"Canterbury rejected Warner Bros. offer.." Surely, "proposal" rather than "offer"?
"Filming on the street took two days, with the producers only having planned for one, the delay meant that they had to pay the street's residents more money than they had anticipated." Inappropriately punctuated, clumsily phrased. Suggest: "Filming in the street took two days instead of the planned single day, so payments to the street's residents were correspondingly increased."
Delete "As such" from the start of the following sentence.
Caption: "Store in London was used as the exterior of The Leaky Cauldron". Either delete "was" or add "This" to the beginning.

Done. Guy546^(Talk) 20:34, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Design etc

Again, remove "As such"; it's a meaningless interjection. Replace with "instead".
"with numerous companies handling different things" sounds vague and fussy. Suggest "involving numerous companies"
"John Williams was selected to compose the film's score.[53] Williams composed the score..." Unnecessarily repetitive. Simplify to "John Williams composed the film's score at..." etc

Done. Guy546^(Talk) 20:34, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

More to follow in a day or so. Brianboulton (talk) 15:36, 10 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Here is the remainder ("or so" turned out to be seven days):-

Differences from the book

"minor" would be more encyclopedic than "little"
The phrase "as with many book to film transitions" reads as POV, and should be either removed or attributed.
"...highlighting how Muggles react to magic". Who/what is/are "Muggles"? This is first mention of the term.
What does "McGonagall references how she had been watching the Dursleys all day" mean? It's the "references" that obscures the meaning.
Overall in this section,I think there is too much detail given about scenes and episodes that are not in the film. These details are meaningless to those ufamiliar with the book. Obviously a book of 400+ pages will have a lot more in it than a fil of 150 minutes, so there's no need to spell all the details out. Does the film differ significantly from the book in terms of plot, characters, ending, etc? If not, this section could be made a great deal shorter.

Marketing

Don't repeat the words "first teaser" in the opening sentence.
"...debuting in cinemas with See Spot Run. Does this mean debuting in cinemas where the film See Spot Runwas showing? Where did this debuting take place – in the USA? in the UK? worldwide?
In what form was the film's soundtrack released?
Was the video game released before or after the film's premiere?
In what form did Warner brothers release the "ultimate edition" of the film.
Prose point: the words "the film" occur 8 or 9 times in this short section. It may be possible to avoid this repetition with some rephrasing.

Reviews

The sentence beginning "Praise which was shared..." is not a grammatical whole. Nor was the praise "shared" - it was "echoed". Thus: "This praise was echoed by..." etc
"comparing it closely to the book": not sure of the meaning here, needs clarifying
Who are Jeanne Aufmuth, Kirk Honeycutt, Jonathan Foreman and Ed Gonzalez?

Box office

"...with the cinema adapted to have a Hogwarts design." Clumsy; delete "have a", or better still, rephrase "with the cinema arranged to resemble Hogwarts Academy".
Be consistent in your short title for the film. Sometimes it is Philosopher's Stone (bad idea given the US title) and sometimes Harry Potter.
"greatly received" s meaningless
"On Saturday, the second day..." Delete "Saturday", it's not significant.
"the film increased to $33.5 million..." The films takings, you mean. The word "once" later in the sentence should be removed.
"In the United Kingdom it broke the record..." Clarify: does "it" refer to Harry Potter oe Spiderman. the last film mentioned?

Awards

"The film won a Saturn Award for its costumes and was nominated for eight more." Eight more what?
Where were the nominations for Best Child Performance and Best composer made< and what is the relevance to this article of Williama's nomination in respect of a different film?

I hope these comments are helpful. Brianboulton (talk) 16:26, 17 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments, and I hope I himproved the prose of the article. Guy546^(Talk) 19:20, 17 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]