Wikipedia:Peer review/Halo Legends/archive1

Halo Legends

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because, well, I have to. Halo Legends is an upcoming DVD/Blu-Ray release, but I'd like to solicit some comments on the text as-is so that I can add this to the Halo media featured topic.

Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 16:26, 23 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

There could be many articles about its release and reviews listed here: http://www.google.com/cse?cx=009114923999563836576%3A1eorkzz2gp4&q=%22Halo+Legends%22. I also added an Anime News Network interview with one of the directors on the bottom of the page. Extremepro (talk · contribs) as 211.30.12.191 (talk) 22:31, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks for the Google Link. I am not a manga or anime fan, and it falls outside my normal editing scope, so finding sources is a bit trickier than my usual methods. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 04:33, 26 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: I have a few suggestions for improvement. Mainly the article needs proofreading to catch and fix small errors in the prose.

The image needs alt text.
What makes Halo.Bungie.Org or Halo Panel Live Blog reliable?

Lead

"The idea for an anime compilation... ". Wikilink anime?
"is intended to be a parody of the universe" - "Halo universe" for clarity?

Development

"Microsoft was deeply involved in making sure story details were correct and writing the scripts for the stories—O'Connor estimated that 50% of the dialogue in the final products were verbatim from the original scripts—but the animation studios were given wide latitude in their animation styles." - Awkward. Perhaps " The animation studios were given wide latitude in matters of style, but Microsoft was deeply involved in story details and script writing; O'Connor estimated that 50 percent of the dialogue in the final products were taken verbatim from the original scripts."
"While all the stories save one are considered canon, O'Connor noted that some discrepancies were the cause of artistic interpretation." - Logic? Shouldn't it be "... artistic interpretation caused some of the discrepancies"?
"the dubbing studio" - Wikilink dubbing?

The Duel

"Produced by Mitsuhisa Ishikawa and directed by Hiroshi Yamazaki, with creative supervision by Mamoru Oshii follows an Arbiter named Fal... " - Missing word?

The Package

"The Package segment is animated by Casio Entertainment" - "The Package, animated... " instead of "The Package is animated"?

Origins

"where Cortana and Master Chief were stranded on after the events of Halo 3" - "Which" instead of "where"? I'll stop pointing out the small proofing errors from this point on. It would be a good idea to get a fresh pair of eyes to proofread the article from top to bottom.

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 03:36, 30 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]