Wikipedia:Peer review/Chris Jackson (wide receiver)/archive1

Chris Jackson (gridiron football)

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I've listed this article for peer review because I've been working on it for a few months, and would like to get it up to GA. Thanks, Giants27 (c|s) 16:01, 23 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Maxim comments

Not close to GA status yet, I'm afraid.

If a paragraph relies on one reference, there's no need for a footnote after every sentence. I've done an example edit for this, but it needs fixing throughout.
Many, many one-sentence paragraphs and equally stubby sections.
- Don't split the college career section. It can be written as one paragraph, but make sure that there is context and flow. Was he at college in 1995 to? When merging, tweak the wording, to something like "In 1996, Jackson moved to WSU ..."
- You can do something similar for the NFL section. The section describes how Jackson didn't do all that much in the NFL so that's your paragraph topic.
- Merge the second NFL section into the AFL one. A mention that he signed with <team> on <date> but failed to make the team in the applicable season paragraph.
Please review the JS suggestions:
- There's a contraction, didn't.
- Numbers and their respective units need a non-breaking space between them ( ); again, I've done an example edit for this.
Prose needs substantial cleanup.
- "Jackson played basketball and in track and field as a long jumper and a triple jum, but didn't play football." --> "Jackson played basketball and competed in the long and triple jump portions of track and field; however, he did not play football."
- "Jackson attended Washington State University in 1996 and 1997 where he was a letterman in football where he was a favorite target of college teammate Ryan Leaf." You have two "where"s. I don't really understand the last part about him being a target, so I guess it should be a separate sentence which explains the thought.
- I haven't combed much through the prose of the AFL section. It's very stat-laden, and it seems that a part of the section should be cut and that information put into a stats table.
  - The snippet "His offensive explosion set a franchise record for most individual points in a game with 42.[1] Continuing his stellar season ..." caught my eye, that's somewhat sensationalist in tone for an encyclopedia.
Doesn't look throughly researched—there are only five distinct references.
- Btw, Ref 4 lacks a publisher.
Have you searched for an image? Maybe there's something on Flickr or another existing image (maybe a team image or one in a game) may have Jackson in it and you could crop it out.
Regarding the title, perhaps moving the article to "Chris Jackson (football)" would be more logical since he has played in three different codes of football?
- See WP:NCSP#Gridiron football for the reasoning behind the title.--Giants27 (c|s) 02:03, 31 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Maxim_(talk) 01:55, 31 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review, I'll look through your suggestions in the coming days and make the appropiate fixes. Figured it would be pretty rough which is why I requested the peer review.--Giants27 (c|s) 02:03, 31 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]