Wikipedia:Peer review/Born Villain/archive1

Born Villain

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want too find out what flaws this article has so it can be fixed befor being taken to GAC and, eventually, FAC.

Thanks, Red marquis (talk) 16:01, 5 July 2012 (UTC)

• Someone recently pointed this out to me, and it seemed like a good idea: try to limit how often you start sentences with stuff like "On July 17, 2012, blah blah blah happened." Put the date of whatever it was at the end of the sentence or phrase.
• Look for ways to trim extra words and make things more concise. A good example is right at the beginning of the Background section:

In November 2010, bassist Twiggy Ramirez was quoted as saying "We've got a new album [that we're working on]. It's almost done. It'll probably be out next year. [...] It's our best record yet, I think. I mean, everyone always says that, but I think this is our best work so far... It's kind of like a little more of a punk rock Mechanical Animals without sounding too pretentious."

I'd rewrite that as:

In November 2010, bassist Twiggy Ramirez said the band was working on a new album for 2011, adding: "It's our best record yet.... everyone always says that, but I think this is our best work so far... a punk rock Mechanical Animals without sounding too pretentious." We don't need to quote his fillers.

You do something similar at the beginning of the Production and development section. To me, it seems too wordy. Try to compress the language more.

• "Born Villain, a short film directed by actor Shia LaBeouf, was a promotional "trailer" released concomitantly for the then-upcoming album." That sentence is pretty confusing, because you don't tell us when it was released, and calling the album "then-upcoming" is throwing us up and down the timeline, and it's not until the next paragraph that we find out when it was produced at least. Simplify the language:

"An eponymous short film directed by actor Shia LeBeouf was released to promote the album in/on (insert date here)."

• The Music and lyrics section needs a major cut. Those two giants quotes from Manson are not going to work. You'll need to paraphrase and summarize them, as they're loaded with filler text that doesn't tell the reader much.
• You also need to go through and fix all your verb tenses and update the chronology. The article still says things like "The album is set to be released in May 2012, according to LA Weekly."
• Neither the photo shoot nor the part about playing the Revolver Golden Gods Awards with Johnny Depp has anything to do with the album. They should be cut.
• I don't think we need all the details about the day the artwork was announced or first appeared on Amazon. That's trivial information.
• The critical reception area is pretty wall of text-y. Try breaking it up a little to make it more readable.
• For chart positions, you're inconsistent, using both "#" and "number". Per WP:MOS, those should all be "No.", but I wonder if you need to have both prose and a table for the same information.

I hope this helps! —Torchiest ^talk_edits 03:53, 18 July 2012 (UTC)

thank you for the input -Red marquis (talk) 08:10, 19 July 2012 (UTC)