Wikipedia:Peer review/1991 Hamlet chicken processing plant fire/archive1
I was recomended by the GA reviewer of this article that I should take this article here, then nominate for FA. Consequently, I am looking for suggestions about what work needs done to attain FA standard. Blood Red Sandman Open Up Your Heart - Receive My EviLove 19:05, 2 March 2007 (UTC)
Will.i.am
[edit]This was a pretty fascinating topic about a tragic but important event; kudos to the authors! Here's a few comments that you can take or leave:
- The images look pretty washed out. Perhaps someone could increase their contrast a bit to make them clearer (more contrast)?
- The building in the first sentence of the background section sounds ambiguous. Perhaps change to "The Imperial Foods plant building..."
- Previously an ice cream factory, although it had been used for various food processing aplications,[1] the building was 30,000 square-feet in size, and was actually a series of adjoining structures. This is four ideas in one sentence and seems cluttered in its current arrangement. How about something like, "The building had been used for various food processing applications and was originally an ice cream factory. At the time of the fire it had grown to include a series of adjoining structures totaling 30,000 square-feet."
- Sentences like: The factory was constructed with bricks and metalwork, and was a single story high. does not need a comma. In this case the rule is that if the second phrase is a totally stand-alone sentence (an independent clause) you need it. For example the following two sentences are correct, you can pick: (A) The factory was constructed with bricks and metalwork and was a single story high. (B) The factory was constructed with bricks and metalwork, and it was a single story high. There are other instances of this in the article, but I won't beleaguer the point.
- The factory had had three previous non-fatal fires, - just one "had" is fine here.
- The plant tended to have a workload of one hundred chickens a minute, and this high rate of speed kept temperatures low... I, and probably other people who are unfamiliar with chicken plants, don't really understand this. I.e. how does the high chicken rate keep temperatures low? You talk about refrigerated air later on....
- before Imperial took over as well, although these, too, were non-fatal. A few times throughout the background previous fires are mentioned. Perhaps these could all be consolidated into one paragraph with an appropriate heading?
- There were no sprinklers in the building - this could be mentioned earlier when you talk about the building. Same thing about the lack of fire alarms and asbestos.
- The Fire: A general comment about this section. Is there any chronology to how the fire progressed and how people got out? Right now this section feels disordered and I (as the reader) feel like I'm being teleported randomly around the plant and through time. For example, we go from the number of deaths, to a brief comment (seemingly many years later) to the survivors aftermath (addiction, alcoholism), but then we're back in the plant escaping through the front door. If you could figure out some order to this information it would a VERY powerful section (as opposed to just a powerful one).
- The fire remains the worst disaster - I might give this sentence its own paragraph for emphasis. Or at least make it the topic sentence of its paragraph.
- Click image to enlarge. in the figure caption is unnecessary.
- Evacuation plan doesn't have to be wikilinked. It's red anyway and a common term.
- they were in fact killed by smoke filtration around the door - I think filtration should be 'infiltration".
- There are a few minor types including: storey, technicaly, Federal (no caps), Recomendations, aproximatly
- NC - this acronym should be spelled out.
Good luck with this article, great job so far!--Will.i.am 00:49, 3 March 2007 (UTC)
- Thanks. I have decided to act upon all your suggestions (except boosting image clarity, since I'm unfamiliar with that kind of thing). I have done or will do (in particular I am still to do the fire section rewrite) everything pretty much as you suggested, except the merge of previous fires - rather than give them their own heading, I kept them under background and instead grouped them together at the bit about the company's safety record. Thanks again, very helpful suggestions, Blood Red Sandman Open Up Your Heart - Receive My EviLove 18:58, 3 March 2007 (UTC)