User talk:Tjc101/sandbox

Alex's Peer Review

Gun Violence in PA Section:

Some of the sections could use some phrasing refinement. Things like the first sentence, "The levels of gun violence and incidents of death due to guns are average to moderate when compared to other states." I would take out, "The levels of..." just start with "Gun Violence, also I would take out "incident of death..." it is redundant. "Ranked 30th", no need for "place." "Will always be and increasing number...", does not make sense, just say the number steadily increased from 2005-2014 then end the sentence and start a new one before "Alone...". Im not sure what a "crime-gun" is so make sure you specify. Refer to Pennsylvania as PA, or Pennsylvania not "the State." "The gun murder rate of women..." needs rephrasing. All in the information is good and you have some quality facts but it seems slightly one sided to me. It reads very pro-gun, try report from both sides.

Public opinion on gun control:

This section overall should be reworked because it states in the title that these are opinions. I would focus on gun control as a topic individually not the opinion.

Gun Lobbying:

Specify that the first sentence is a definition of a gun lobbyist. I like where you're aiming with these facts however i would again talk about anti-gun lobbying. It seems a little one sided. Also talk about gun lobbying in PA not the federal government. If you can find similar facts that are aimed at PA not the national government it would be perfect.

Constitutional Gun control:

Introduce the law to start the section, the name and what it is. Specify that this is the PA constitution you're referring to.

Assault ban:

The title of this section needs renamed because you're stating from the beginning that the bill of a failure. This does not portray itself as in the middle. Also, for the subtitles in the section "This side" is too improper. This whole section focuses on this bill begging bad, for instance the quote from the representative is him not supporting the bill, there should also be some people who did.

All in all you have a lot of good stuff but most of it only supports pro-gun legislation. You need to rework it so that it encompasses the whole argument. Your section titles also need to be more broad and less about just one topic. For instance, "Gun Legislation" would be a good topic that covers all the legislation PA has admitted involving guns, rather than one section for each cases (unless one in particular is a monumental case). Also, there are a handful of sentences that do not read well so I would do an overall grammar check and a check of sentence structure.Finally, there are some areas I feel need a citation but do not have one. Make sure everything that needs cited is cited.

Arj1028 (talk) 01:20, 9 April 2018 (UTC) Alex