User talk:Rowank2
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Rowank2, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Adam and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 03:55, 10 February 2016 (UTC)
Butch and femme
[edit]Hi, Rowank2. I've taken a look at your sandbox draft for additions to butch and femme. I think this info will be useful in the article but before you add it in, I've got some comment:
- Try to shorten the paragraphs a bit, largely by reducing the reliance of the article on direct quotes from scholars. Quotes are important, especially important in certain cases where exact wording is critical or an author says something in an inimitable way. Outside of those two situations, long quotes in an article can make it hard to follow where the sentence is going. This is especially the case where an already complex subject is quoting relatively more complex writing--readers are bound to get lost (the second para quotes Halberstam who quotes Butler!). This helps to shorten articles because you may discover a quote you used at length describes a minor element of what you're trying to get across.
- In the second paragraph, who is Halberstam, why are they important to this discussion and what name do they use? The source uses the name Julie, but the text here uses Jack.
- Remember that the encyclopedia probably has no space for a sentiment like this. that's best described as a call to action and might serve to inspire a reader to do something. The goal with writing in an encyclopedia is to provide information and context but not implore the reader to do anything or stand in for their judgment.
I hope this helps, Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:20, 18 April 2016 (UTC)
I've cut down your sandbox draft a bit more to give you a sense of what I meant by brevity. You can expand from that, of course! I removed the last paragraph entirely as it was a sort of concluding paragraph for the first two, which is not something you see on Wikipedia often. I also removed sentences or phrases which state a broad claim but don't add information e.g. "It has been questioned how the positive view of female masculinity contributes to the negativity associated with Femme identities."
In doing so I may have damaged some of the meaning (though I strove not to). Sentences like "With the rise in visibility of the masculine-androgynous queer individual and therefore, a resurgence of Jack Halberstam’s theory of female masculinity the question of what this means for Femme has been raised." are hard to parse. I think you mean to say (broadly): culture has changed and with it theories of masculinity; those theories raise questions about a Femme identity. That's a reasonable series of statements, but it's much easier to show by pointing to the discussion itself. I hope this helps. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:53, 22 April 2016 (UTC)