User talk:PursuitOfAnA2016
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[edit]Hello, PursuitOfAnA2016, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Adam and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 14:31, 26 January 2016 (UTC)
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[edit]My edits are in red! Hopefully they are of some help. Liam should be emailing my notes to you. Use whatcha like! (:
Good length. You have good points but I think some of the wording may confuse the reader on the main focus or point you’re making in the section. I did a little editing to the text that I think improves it. See if you think it helps?
Some of the wording reveals how you may feel or your stance on certain matters. This happens more so in the second section. For example, saying that “Third World feminism is important to postcolonial feminism…” may sound like you are stating your opinion that it is important. I knew what you meant, though. Maybe just change it to something like “Third World Feminism is a key factor in postcolonial feminism” or “a significant aspect of.” Just think about things like that when you’re reading back through! I know that there is truth to what you say about the U.S. because you have references but I am a little worried it leans too far on the side of having too much negative information. I know it’s not a positive topic, but it almost feels like a slam piece of the U.S. toward the end.
Also, in training we learned that we should not focus on having a strong conclusion that pulls the section together so be careful with that (“The corruptness of the Third World nations ultimately reveal the importance of Third World and postcolonial feminism.”) Don’t say things for structure purposes—try to make sure every sentence has true value and meaning, adding something different to the paragraph.
Sources: Census (academic) is good source, good link.
Sylvia Law…this is academic right?
Gender forum (academic)
You need two popular sources—a couple webpages should do the trick. Just make sure you only add stuff that adds value to the paragraph! Maybe you can dig deeper into something. The citations section shows that you referenced these twice, but I can only find each once in the article. Make sure you’re citing the researched sentences. Ziggystardust20 (talk) 15:10, 17 March 2016 (UTC)