User talk:Newmster8/sandbox

Great job Groups 7, 18, and 30! This is really coming together! Loripeek (talk) 20:30, 10 October 2016 (UTC)loripeek[reply]

I think you have the right ideas that give good background information on John Mosely, however; it sounded almost like a list when I was reading "Early Life." I would try to make your ideas flow a little better in a way that does not make it seem like you are just listing Mosely's involvements. Other than this, I feel like you gave a good insight about John Mosely's life! --Jjkoop (talk) 20:20, 12 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Group 18: The Early Life section of the article is nicely written although I think you could incorporate more information from his childhood if it is at all relevant. By this I mean more details on why he chose the route in life that he did. What influenced his decisions. I know this may be hard to find and you may have already tried to search these things. For example did he play football in elementary school and was school an important priority to him and his family as a child. Things like that that may be relevant to his future or the following paragraphs. Why did he decide to join the Army, what influenced his decision. Also, I would read what the groups who wrote "Breaking the Color Barrier" and "Legacy" because as I was reading I felt that you had some of the same things written. It was almost repeated. I would just talk with the other groups and see which group should incorporate what ideas that way the reader isn't bored or tired of reading the same thing. List your citations in alphabetical order. Overall, great draft! (Parissmouse (talk) 21:49, 14 October 2016 (UTC))[reply]

For Group 7... The structure of the Legacy section seems to work really well. I would maybe consider putting the scholarship fund section before the elementary school. The scholarship section shows more of their community reputation and then the school section starts with "due to their impact on the community". Either elaborate on their impact of the community or switch the two sections. The first section could elaborate on what the mentoring programs has done for CSU student athletes and maybe what programs or assistance they offer. You could potentially interview someone that takes part in the program here at CSU and ask them what is has done to impact them. If they have an office on campus maybe you could stop by the office and ask them a few questions about their program and goals as a mentoring service. The second section, needs a lot of work to be done on it. First, it sounds kind of repetitive to the earlier sections mentioning the Tuskegee air force. Maybe try and find some more hard facts to back up the the Tuskegee airmen inc. and focus on the importance of the group. Maybe try contacting the group and finding more information on the goals of the incorporation.. (I don't know if these links will be helpful but you can try) http://tuskegeeairmen.org/ or http://colorado-redtails.com/about-us/ . The third section is short but good. I like how you write about the schools mission statement and what it means for the students. I would maybe suggest digging into the Mosely's involvement with the elementary school (if any) and maybe attach pictures of the school or of Edna and John. The last section is also really good. If I were to suggest adding anything else I would maybe list some of the students that received the scholarship and also consider adding in some pictures. Overall guys, a good start! Just a few more facts/details and a few more completed sentences (...) Steph.legault (talk) 17:14, 13 October 2016 (UTC)Stephanie Legault[reply]

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such an in-depth review. Each group has taken your comments into consideration and applied the changes. Specifically form group 7, thank you for suggesting the flip of the section as it makes the sections flow a lot better. Again thank you for individually talking about each section and adding suggestions to strength each section. I spent a lot of time looking for the last recipients and I was not able to get that information, I did connect a link to the scholarship foundation. Casey Kekiwi (talk) 14:54, 11 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Group 7: I think that the divisions of your section work well together. I know it is just a draft and you guys are still working on it, but as far as some minor grammar and sentence structure, there are a few things I would recommend fixing. In the first section “John Mosley Student-Athlete Mentoring Program” the second sentence is worded a little weird. I would change it to something along the lines of “Many at Colorado State University refer to him as…” In the section “Edna and John W. Mosley Elementary School” the sentence “Currently, it is occupying more than 900 students” sounds a bit awkward. As far as content, I think you guys are definitely on the right track. Adding some of Stephanie’s suggestions would definitely strengthen the article as well. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Msmahajan (talk • contribs) 02:44, 14 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you as well for adding suggestions for our group to strengthen our article as well as helping us make the article as clear as possible for our readers. Casey Kekiwi (talk) 14:54, 11 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Evaluating Group #7 (Legacy)

Hi group 7! I just got done reading your article. You have some interesting information! Below are my suggested edits for each heading.

John Mosley Student-Athlete Mentoring Program

The first thing I notice is you introduce the mentoring program, move on to his past accomplishments, and then go back to the program. To fix this I would maybe move the first sentence down a little deeper into the article to help the flow of your content, or you could combine sentence one and four together.
If you do decided to keep the first sentence I would change the wording "with his namesake" to "bearing his namesake"
The format of the second sentence confused me a little. Perhaps something like "At Colorado State University, many refer to Mosey as the Jackie Robinson of CSU athletics. I would also connect a link to the name Jackie Robinson (like I do here) instead of using a citation.)
In the third sentence you have a run on sentence. To fix this just throw in a comma conjunction: "In 1998 John Mosley was inducted into the CSU Sports Hall of Fame, and in 2009 he was inducted into the Colorado Sports Hall of Fame. (You also use the word inducted twice in one sentence)
In the fourth sentence I would cut the "to-be" and simply say "conception of his mentoring program."
In the fifth sentence I would change the wording from "The program became established" to "The program was established."
I see that you plan to keep adding... all in all you have a well rounded article.

Mile High Flight Program Tuskegee Airmen Inc.

This is hard for me to edit. It seems like you have some good information to write about. However, there are no complete sentences.

Edna and John W. Mosley Elementary School

I would change the first sentence to be a little simpler. For example, "Due to the impact that Mosley and his wife Edna had in the Aurora, Colorado community, Aurora’s Mayor, Steve Hogan, dedicated a school to the couple."
I notice that the first time you mention Aurora you do not say Colorado right after it. However, a sentence down or so you say Aurora and immediately follow it with CO. I would mention CO the first time you say Aurora, but any time after that I would stick with just Aurora
The wording in sentence three makes it sound like the school is possessing the students("Currently, it is occupying more than 900 students"}... I would change this to "Currently, more than 900 students attend the school."
In sentence five you capitalize mission. If you were to say Mission Statement, then the capitalization would be appropriate. However, if you leave it as "their mission," then mission would need to be lower case. The word Academic is also capitalized when it should be lower case.
The final sentence in this section is very long, I would maybe consider breaking it up into two or more. You are also a little repetitive in the sentence, you say "meaningful learning" twice.
Overall you have good information. The last thing I would look out for is changing prom past tense to present tense throughout the article.

John and Edna Mosley Scholarship Fund

I would rewrite sentence #1. When I read it I was a bit confused as to whether the money was donated for them to go on vacation or to go to their philanthropy. One small things to consider if you rewrite it: I would take out "got together and" and just have "friends and community members raised money."
Sentence three uses it's, but the correct form would be "its" with no apostrophe.
In sentence four you say"is simple." What may seem simple to you may be difficult to others, so I would keep it just as "the scholarship requirements include:"
In sentence five the words "take charge and action" seem a little redundant.

Overall the article is laid out well. I like the order that you have everything set up in. Your titles and headings are clear and help guide the reader. I also followed some of your sources. You have a good amount so far, and they all seem like reliable places to take information from. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Bayleelakey (talk • contribs) 05:22, 14 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Baylee, Thank you for dividing each of the sections to help us know exactly which sentences or areas need work on. The grammatical errors that you helped fix will allow us to be more credible and reliable sources. Thank you again!Casey Kekiwi (talk) 14:54, 11 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Evaluating Group #30 (Color Barrier)

    After reading your article, I found your sections of breaking the color barrier at CSU and joining the Tuskegee Airmen very well written, keeping the sections sourced appropriately and taking a neutral position.
    Points that I would suggest looking into for more detail are what challenges did Mosley face will at CSU and becoming an airman. You mention while closing the section that he faced challenges but you haven't given examples of his specifically. Did he have any troubles becoming a football player for instance? Was there a reason Mosley was put into the artillery unit instead of the fighter squadron? 
    In the CSU section, some of the syntax could use fixing to make the section flow better.
    In the Tuskegee Airmen section, it might be worth noting if Mosley received any honors or awards for his service. Also he served during the time when the military was segregated, and after the military desegregated, so if anything changed for Mosley because of that could be worth noting.
    Lastly I noticed that there was no lead section for the overall article, which all the groups working on this should help to contribute to.
    The article was very interesting and informative. I think you are doing a great job so far.Cgockler (talk) 20:41, 14 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your comment, we will try to add more details in the CSU section and add more informations for Tuskegee Airmen part for sure . Like you said Mosley was a big influence on many people lives, we will do our best to support and show his sacrifice that had an impact on breaking the color barrier until today.Basmaek (talk) 04:59, 3 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Feedback

Nice work on your draft. It still needs copyediting. For example, the section on his early life includes what appears to be references after the text which aren't formatted as references - they're just sitting there at the end of the section. A few other things - section headers shouldn't be capitalized after the first word, unless it's a proper noun. References shouldn't have spaces between them and the punctuation in front of them. And you use to add links to other articles. Any term that the average reader might be unfamiliar with should be linked the first time it appears. That way readers can learn more about the topic.

You also need a lead section that should summarize all the major points in the article.
(When replying to this message, please include {{ping|Ian (Wiki Ed)}} in your response, to ensure that I see your reply.)
Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:40, 25 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you @Ian (Wiki Ed):, I believe I have addressed a few of your formatting concerns, I will leave the rest of the work on each section to the group who is assigned to it. I will get to the lead section soon. Thank you again! Newmster8 (talk) 18:11, 31 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you Ian for taking your time to review this page and provide feedback. We have made the changes and will keep these in mind when adding more. @Ian (Wiki Ed):

Casey Kekiwi (talk) 22:53, 9 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Early Life

For this section, there are still references in the section instead on the bottom of the page in the reference area. Could your group do these changes real quick? Casey Kekiwi (talk) 20:12, 9 November 2016 (UTC) — Preceding unsigned comment added by Casey Kekiwi (talk • contribs) 20:07, 9 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]