User talk:Lordofsharks/sandbox

Hi Lordofsharks. I don't really know where to put this, so I'm just going to put it here. Plus I really suck at peer editing so I'm going to try my best to give you some help. I would recommend changing the word conflict in a couple sentences in the first paragraph because you repeat the word quite a bit. Also I noticed you don't have a title, but you probably are going to add one for your final draft.Mikaylabetton (talk) 02:31, 29 March 2016 (UTC)

Comments

Lordofsharks, I think you've done a good job organizing this information into paragraphs that make sense and reflect the literature on the subject. There are a few places where you could elaborate a bit more. The paragraph on education: first, your intro sentence needs to be clearer - "the schools tried to separate education from the conflict" is a bit unclear. Did education authorities try to ignore and isolate the students from political debates, or to break down sectarian barriers? You also need to explain the "separated society" that children grew up in. Do any of your sources describe it? Children went to religiously-based schools, I believe, and this is important to know (we can't assume readers in other parts of the world know this about Northern Ireland).

The final paragraph: some of your statements could be attributed. For example, instead of "Children were not reported to lose," tell the reader who reported it. "Social worker NAME reported that children as a group did not lose..." The following sentence ("It is suggested") could be improved the same way. There's a lot of slightly different ideas in this last paragraph, some of which should really be elaborated more, or be distinct paragraphs. I suggest trying to explain these events more fully for the reader. Or, there is a page on the Ulster Council Strike you can link to. The final sentence is confusing - 60% as many children in care as in England and Wales?

Can I also suggest this paper as an additional source -- a paper on Victims of the troubles that includes references to children and defines "victimhood" very broadly. Cliomania (talk) 03:40, 29 March 2016 (UTC)

Hi Lordofsharks. The structure of the article is good, but I was wondering if the first paragraph, about the death rates of children, might fit better within the section titled Casualties rather than Social repercussions. Also, I was confused by the sentence, " According to Donna M. Lanclos this picture in the Belfast school system," which is in the fourth paragraph. I'm not sure if thats a typo or if I'm just not understanding it. Overall, I think its an interesting addition to The Troubles.Westcoastbestcoast123 (talk) 00:30, 1 April 2016 (UTC)