User talk:GoBears243/Privacy
Hi GoBears243!
Wow! What an incredible first draft. Although its only your first draft, this seems to be well on its way, and definitely not a first draft! I love that you've included a "History" section, and that you're tackling such a multi-faceted topic. You've done an excellent job of explaining the possible problems that technology poses in relation to privacy, and I'm quite impressed. I especially loved how you talked about privacy in context with literary works like 1984 and legal confrontations like Kyllo v. United States and Riley v. California. My one criticism of your article is that this article is entirely United States focused. Since Wikipedia calls for a global angle, and not just country-specific with broad topics like privacy, it would be beneficial to your article to include privacy concerns in other nations/continents. Overall, an incredible job. You went above and beyond!
Miawach (talk) 03:28, 12 October 2021 (UTC)
Peer Review (By Yzhang7)
[edit]Whose work are you reviewing: GoBears243
Link to draft you're reviewing: User:GoBears243/Privacy
Link to the current version of the article: Privacy
My Feedback
Lead: The content list is very detailed but be careful with using too many sub-sections, such as "1.1.1.1", as it may create certain confusion.
Content: Amazing content as it is very detailed and precise. The structure of the chronological timeline from 1890, 1948, 1984, and then to the 1960s, and finally to the modern days is easy to follow and understand.
Tone and Balance: The content of this article is well-written. Be cautious about using strong logical words such as "However" in the third sentence of the last paragraph under the "History" section since it may deliver certain opinions. Be careful with the usage of words such as "largely" when you describe the article "The Right to Privacy."
Sources and Reference: Great source list as it contains reliable sources and court cases.
Organization: Very clear organization in the lead section. One specific confusion that may arise is the lines "main article" and "further information" under the section of "Legal discussions of internet privacy". Try to clarify the purpose of having these elements there at the top of the section. In addition, the phrase "the last notable occurrence" under "police and government" may not be appropriate here since there are more sources to add, though "Carpenter v. the United States" may be the last one in your addition.
Overall impression: Great first draft. Very strong content and writing and summarizing skills. Explained the court cases thoroughly. The improvements would be organization and tone.