User talk:Evleigh/sandbox

Feedback #1

This is a very well written draft. The reader can clearly see that it is not an opinion-based wikipedia article anymore but more of a factual/objective one. I also really enjoyed how you included the Olympic games in Russia as an example of corruption. All in all, it is a well-developed draft. The only things that I would revise would be structure/grammar errors as well as maybe developing your section on the examples of the Olympic games by providing a little more detail on them.

In terms of your structure, I would suggest maybe placing the "Research" section (that is in the original wikipedia article) in your other sections as the heading "Research" is too broad. The information that is in that part could be placed in either "extend of corruption" or "anti-corruption efforts". I would also suggest potentially changing the lead/introduction and include a brief sentence on the examples you have added or any extra information that is important to know from the get-go. Additionally, I would revise certain sentence structures that look a little off, such as "The actual cost of corruption in Russia, as several different studies assert varying estimates."

In terms of grammar/sentences: - You quote Anastasia Dubova and Leonid Kosal in your sentence "Anastasia Dubova and Leonid Kosal find Police corruption to be a direct result of post-Soviet privatization of law enforcement in the hands of the oligarchical elite." In regards to this, I suggest specified who these individuals are exactly. - I find the sentence "These structural conditions are the absence of independent media, the absence of independent judiciary, the absence of true political competition, and the inability of civil society to control the government executive" to be too repetitive. Maybe you can change "the absence of" by something else. - "The decree "On Anti-Corruption Measures" was signed by former President and current Prime Minister Medvedev in May of 2008. For this sentence, I'm not quite sure why On Anti-Corruption Measures is in brackets. - "In the first meeting of the Council on 30 September 2008, Medvedev said: "I will repeat one simple, but very painful thing. Corruption in our country has become rampant. It has become commonplace and characterises the life of the Russian society." This sentence requires a citation at the end. - "This articles 13.3 of the Anti-corruption Law requires organizations to develop and implement anti-corruption measures such as..." This sentence would also require a citation

Lastly, what I've learned from one of the wikipedia trainings was to avoid citing as much as possible. You have quite a lot of quote on quote citations that I would try to revise and put them in your own words. If really you cannot change them, then I'd definitely place citations at the end of each ones.

Regardless of those mistakes, you did a great job!

Feedback from Caroline Wesley

Hi there! I really enjoyed reading your article, the topic is fascinating. Below I've listed some suggestions for how to further improve the article. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out!

General comments:

- As you have noted in the preface to your article, the citations have yet to be built into the article. I actually found it useful to see where you were pulling your sources from! However, be sure to clean the article up by inserting properly formatted references.

-Perhaps this is also due to the long embedded citations you use, but some of the paragraphs are rather long. I've found that wikipedia articles with short, concise, fact-driven paragraphs are the easiest for the reader to absorb. Creating further sub-divisions within your article could help with this.

- Your topic sentences for every paragraph are incredible. You do a great job at concentrating the heart of the paragraph into one little line!

- I found a number of grammar, syntax, and punctuation errors in your article; I'd recommend you take a closer look for these errors as you continue to improve your article in the coming weeks.

Comments by sub-section

1. Extent of Corruption First, I think you did a really good job in rewriting this section; it certainly doesn't read like a personal reflection any more. However, I would encourage you to try to include a wider variety of sources within this section, as it relies heavily on Indem's piece and Chapter 1 of Cheloukhine's book. I see that you are including GDP statistics from 2011 in the second paragraph of this section due to the citing of these aforementioned sources; perhaps bring in some newer sources for these statistics?

I think you're missing a few words from this sentence in paragraph 3 of this section: "The actual cost of corruption in Russia, as several different studies assert varying estimates." Perhaps "is difficult to measure" should be added after "Russia"?

The small last paragraph of this section on corruption and law enforcement appears to be very important-- I would suggest that you separate this into its own section and add some more information on it. If law enforcement is indeed the leading sector in corruption, then it should certainly have some more contextualizing information and perhaps some statistics and neutral sources to support it.

2. Causes of Corruption

While I thought this section was very strong and compelling, I think adding more historically and culturally contextualizing information would be very worthwhile. The most recent Russian Presidential election is wonderfully topical, but I would have loved to see some more examples of past elections or political events that further support this section's "structural conditions" claims. I also think the subsection on culture and corruption in Russia is fascinating.

3. Anti-corruption efforts

Some of your quotes in this section require citations, and the Medvedev inter-link doesn't link directly to the mentioned individual's wikipedia page but rather to a disambiguation. Additionally, I think it's important to remember that you must employ an encyclopedic style of prose, and as such, the over-use of quotations with no further explanation is detracting from this. I would suggest that you try to eliminate some of these quotes and replace them with descriptions of the actions of the politicians you cite rather than what they say specifically.

The last paragraph of this section is very long; it would be best to separate this into two paragraphs. I also don't see any references (nor embedded citations) in this section, so you should try to insert those when appropriate.

4. Corruption at the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics

I like the use of these case studies as modern examples of corruption in Russia. I'd suggest that you clarify which currency you are referencing in the figures cited in this section, however.

Manuel Balan Review

This is off to a very good start. The comments provided above by Andreea and Caroline are very good and on point regarding the format, need for edits, and citations. In terms of sources, you should add more academic sources, and avoid quotations (as mentioned above). Also, if you want to include the sections on Sochi and the World Cup, I would expand them significantly and add citations. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Manuelbalan (talk • contribs) 14:51, 26 March 2018 (UTC)