User talk:Brendaram/sandbox
The opening sentence does not really make sense, maybe try, " Both Trinidad and Tobago have high rates of mortality due to breast cancer". Also, I would only put the title in bold letters, not the whole section. There are a number of grammar issues, mostly improper comma usage and run-on sentences. Some statements seem to be too vague, for example "Women in Trinidad and Tobago are often diagnosed at a late stage" you should define what is a late stage of cancer. The sentence "Chemotherapy and surgical treatments are limited with age, women over the age of 40 are less likely to undergo these types of treatments" is confusing. Why are treatments limited? Why are they less likely to undergo treatments? I would also reconsider the presentation of data in your concluding sentence. I would not put the percentage in parenthesis. Good luck with the rest of you writing! Ashley Zafaranlou (talk) 07:13, 16 November 2016 (UTC)
Formating
[edit]Overall this is very well written. You have cited your sources and have utilized a fair tone. However, I would suggest that you reconsider the format of the section. You have one header that reads: Women's Health and another subheading that reads: Breast Cancer. Are there to be more subsections other than breast cancer within the subject of women's health? If there are but another student is taking on this task, please disregard this, but, if the only subsection under women's health is breast cancer, you may want to reconsider using the either the main heading or the subheading.
The use of bold throughout the paragraph may be confusing when all sections are put together. Definitely change this section to normal characters, rather than bold so that the article is more cohesive.
Finally, your introductory sentence could use some work. Perhaps by combining the first two sentences, it might sound better. Rather than stating that the incidence of breast cancer is high and then following with the fact that it is the highest in the Caribbean, it might work better to say only that it is the highest in the Caribbean. This results in the same effect by getting the idea that breast cancer is a severe issue without falling into redundancy. Also, where did you get this fact? Are you using the later citation, labeled 1, to cite this fact? It may be better to just throw a citation on the tail of that sentence just to clear up any doubt as to where the information came from. Caleavy (talk) 14:56, 16 November 2016 (UTC)
Peer Review
[edit]Brenda,
Sorry, I just realized that I'll be the second review on your article but as I've already written my response, I'll post it anyway!
Your section looks great! After looking at what the wikipedia page for this already has, it seems that health is a very important addition to it so I’m glad you chose this! The information you already have is a good summarization of what these women struggle with when it comes to breast cancer specifically. You gave us facts about breast cancer in this area that are not biased and present them in a way that makes us understand all the aspects (treatment, reasons for lack of healthcare, why women get it, etc). Another thing you might want to touch on, if you can find information about it, is what women do for treatment because they are not able to get what they need. Or do they just not get any care at all for it? Right now, it seems like you need to find more sources, but perhaps the sources would come in when you start to look into other health issues. That being said, have you thought about or researched what other women’s health issues you’d like to cover? Breast cancer is a good start but what other health concerns do women in Trinidad and Tobago face? I noticed on the wikipedia page on the right panel that a statistic about maternal mortality was listed so perhaps this is something you could expand on. One other small detail: the sentence starting with “chemotherapy” is a run on so I believe you should either make “women over 40…” a new sentence, add “and as a result” or something like that, or put a semicolon. Overall, I think what you have is a good start and it really seems like it’ll develop into an essential section in understanding women’s health in Trinidad and Tobago, which is a huge part of their lives. I can’t wait to see how the article turns out!