User talk:Bozal243/sandbox
Peer Review of Fazli Bozal Reviewer: Tessa Peixoto Regarding First Draft ENGW3307
Summary: BALs are bioartificial liver devices that remain outside of the body to support a failing liver. It is not meant to replace a liver but to support the liver's functions until a transplant is available. Hollow fiber systems and flat membrane sheet systems are two of the systems that are being developed for use. It is advantages to liver dialyses because it is only one device preforming many functions assisting the liver rather than having multiple devices.
Major Points: The language of the article is to wikipedia standards, however it is suggested that the author be descriptive of the BALs. It is understood that they are a device that helps the liver, but if a picture can not be obtained perhaps an explanation of the device. The reader is sort of left a general idea of what the device is but not how it is placed on an individual and how they live with it (is it big, is it small), how many people are using it today, do people have to apply to use it and what is the medical procedure to get the device. Also, elaborate on the flat membrane sheet system as it is mentioned once and never again. It is good that you are linking to other pages, which offers the reader the opportunity to learn more about the liver. The author could include a photo of a liver cell ( healthy and failing one).
The structure of the article to help elaborate on the topic could be as follows: 1.History 1.1Use, 1.2 how it is applied on the body (medical procedure) 1.3 Intended users, how they get it, where they get it (possible include demographics and or statistics of use) 2. Function 2.1 hollow fiber system 2.1.1extracorporeal liver assist device 2.1.2 hepatAssist 2.2 Flat sheet membrane system and (possible other subsections with this) 3. other sections you see fit to put it in. It is believed that after the organization of information and the addition of more information will help build this page to be a full article.
Minor Points: As mentioned in class the article does seem to be comma heavy, so work on being more direct with information without trying to extend the sentence. By doing this, the information on the page will be accessible. A question for the author is if the sentence above the table of contents that explains what BALs stands for , will that stay in with the final draft? It is suggested to keep it as it opens the article like an introductory paragraph would. Do note that the sentence before the table of contents "BALs differs from artificial..." should be revised to writing "because they incorporate synthetic..." the reason being that by using "also" implies that the author previously compared the BALs to an artificial device. Telupei (talk) 17:59, 4 April 2015 (UTC)
LeiZhang_Bozal_U3PR
Summary: A bioartificial liver device works as a support for individuals with acute liver failure. These devices have embedded liver cells to help perform a liver’s normal functions. These metabolic capacities can be accomplished without the use of multiple devices, as opposed to liver dialysis. Examples of BALs include a hollow fiber system and a flat membrane sheet system.
Major Points: Vocabulary seems fine for the most part in regards to the audience. It is good that whenever there is a term the general public may not be familiar with, a wikilink is conveniently placed. Adding a section for the flat membrane sheet systems would be good. Further sections that can be added might include: history, companies [Maybe? Not sure if there would be copyright issues], FDA, or some trial data. The “Use” and “Function” sections could be merged under one heading, unless more text is added in each (the single sentence under “Use” could just as easily be put under “Function”). Some physical description of the actual device could be added to the “Use” section if the author wants to keep them separate. A section “Types” could be used for the different systems instead of leaving them under “Function”. I remember the author mentioned taking out the “Comparison to liver dialysis” section; in my opinion, the current information from that could be moved to the “Function” section instead. The second paragraph could actually be expanded to form a section titled “Trials”. Adding some pictures would be nice, although it is understandable that it would be hard due to the copyright issues. Instead, maybe the author could add a picture of acute liver failure?
Minor Points: A few sentences do seem to contain a lot of commas, as mentioned in class. This can easily be fixed by moving the sentence structures around. In the first sentence, “...supportive device for individuals suffering from…” makes it less wordy. In the paragraph under Use, change “to bridge” to “bridging” (or “allowing” to “to allow”) so the verbs match each other. Under Hollow fiber system, changing sentence to “It isolates cells from the much larger immune factors” makes it slightly less wordy. The second sentence under HeptAssist seems awkward, the subject should be put in front (“It is also undergoing clinical trials, where it has been…”). Tenses seem fine. In general, proofread for the final draft and check that audience level is right, sentences are not too wordy, and the usual grammar/syntax are matching. ReadingFrame25 (talk) 04:54, 9 April 2015 (UTC)