User talk:BC1278/sandbox/draft-work1

I an am experienced Wikipedia editor but I have a WP: COI here as a a paid consultant to Cliffside Malibu. As such, it's important that proposed changes be reviewed by an independent editor. I try to abide by WP: Five Pillars, and am ready to do more work based on suggestions.BC1278 (talk) 17:06, 4 June 2018 (UTC)BC1278

Proposed edit:

1. Text to Remove: Sub-heading "Inflated success rates"

Text to Replace: Sub-heading: "Success Rates"

Rationale: Change to neutral language, without Wikipedia choosing a non-neutral characterization in Wikipedia's voice.

2. Text to Remove:: "Cliffside has been criticized for inflating success rates."

This is not a neutral way to begin a paragraph about success rates, anymore than it would be neutral to begin the paragraph by saying "Cliffside has been praised for very high success rates." Either would potentially be a NPOV violation as the set-up sentence, when there are conflicting POVs. The subsequent conflicting statements should be included without a paragraph set up that constitutes WP: EDITORIALIZING.

3. Underlined text to add: While on a Today show episode in 2013, Taite stated that 95% of patients who complete treatment stay sober with an overall 70% success rate.

Rationale: it's important to place this claim from the Today in a fixed time, in 2013, so it does not appear to making a statement about another time period.

3a. Please also change the citation: points to a more neutral YouTube version of the same Today Show clip, this one without an improper claim of authorship, misleading title for the segment, and non-RS claims added to the text description of the clip. The old citation shoe-horns in a unreliable source (with inflammatory user generated content) by including the Today Show clip.

4. Text to add: "In 2013, Taite also said the 95% sobriety rate was only applicable to the approximately 22% of patients who stayed until Cliffside Malibu told them they were ready to leave, with the rest of having closer to about a 50% success rate. He said he considered success as one-year clean and sober. "

5. Text to remove: The words: "However" and “just snake oil salesmanship.” from second sentence in "sub-heading: "Inflated Success Rates."

Text to add: "John Kelly, director of the Addiction Recovery Management Service at Massachusetts General Hospital and an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, said in 2013 that such success rate statements from residential treatment programs are inflated and that in general, about a third of residential program inpatients are in remission one year after intervention."

Rationale: Remove WP: SLANG and WP:EDITORIALIZING while maintaining the substance of the criticism. Hyperbolic style of newspaper writing/quotations not appropriate for encyclopedia; just the substance.

6. Text to remove: "He added, “There aren’t hard figures, but on average probably about a third of residential program inpatients are in remission one year after intervention.”

Rationale: condensed with sentence above.

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Here is the proposed new sub-section with all changes above:

Success Rates

While on a Today show episode in 2013, Taite stated that 95% of patients who complete treatment stay sober with an overall 70% success rate. In 2013, Taite also said the 95% sobriety rate was only applicable to the approximately 22% of patients who stayed until Cliffside Malibu told them they were ready to leave, with the rest of having closer to about a 50% success rate. He said he considered success as one-year clean and sober. John Kelly, director of the Addiction Recovery Management Service at Massachusetts General Hospital and an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, said in 2013 that success rate statements from residential treatment programs are inflated and that in general, about a third of residential program inpatients are in remission one year after intervention.

-BC1278 (talk) 16:30, 4 June 2018 (UTC)BC1278