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Overview

The England Hypothesis historically referred to as the European Primary Contact Theory describes a well-documented, though controversial, phenomenon first observed in 1904 in London, England (hence its name). The England Hypothesis is in short the conversion of all objects or persons in direct contact with England, into England. Though the conversion is instantaneous, comprehensive, and mathematically certain, there are no physical changes in the molecular or functional characteristics of the newly transformed subject. This lack of observable change is currently considered to be the most likely reason for the delay in discovering this phenomenon. A common misconception of this hypothesis is that objects in secondary contact with England are also converted, but this is false and lacks any supporting evidence. To exemplify this differentiation, a person standing on England becomes England, but if a bird lands on that person, the bird will not become England in any way. Subsequently, the Atlantic Ocean, Wales, rooted trees and London are all examples of objects and organisms that are now England. An additional, but less common misconception is that this transformation into England makes the subject somehow immobile or different in some way, again an absurd falsehood. The application and scope of this hypothesis is massive, but only occurs naturally in England, and in Providence, Rhode Island (see Providence-Conversion Effect).

Discovery

Observation and acceptance of the assimilation of all things touching into England has been largely observed for hundreds of years prior to its scientific confirmation. Alluded to by such figures as William Shakespeare who wrote "...This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England" in ''King Richard II'', referring to a meadow which had become England in the play's scene.

Offically discovered by Peter Brinkman [1] on November 5, 1904, Brinkman explained in his self-published scientific journal Scienthesis "As I walked from my my flat to the butcher shop/eatery half a kilometre away, I observed a fly land on the ground and instantaneously morphe into England, though visually appearing to be a fly. As its wings beat and it ascended into the air, it again quickly returned to its original state as a fly and had no lingering characteristics of having ever been England." His publication was read by esteemed Contact-Theorist (and Physicist) Albert Einstein in 1914, who immediately realized the astonishingly simple truth and accuracy of the hypothesis. He is reported to have exclaimed "What simplicity! What truly explainable observation this is! England [for and as a] fly!" in what is often considered to be one of Einstein's most poorly translated exclamations. Einstein subsequently traveled to Manchester, England, where he also became England, supporting and concluding his experiment. Though a lifelong supporter of the England Hypothesis, Einstein spoke rarely of it, devoting his professional efforts to other fields of science.

Evidence and Scientific Explanations

There are two tiers of evidence supporting and explaining the England Hypothesis: Obvious Data, which are all examples of objects or people becoming England, and its Philosophical explanation, which offer the semantic and logical backing for said hypothesis.

The obvious evidence supporting this hypothesis are all of England. This includes the entire population of England (as long as they are touching it), all structures on England, all rooted trees and plants touching England, all bodies of water touching England (including the Atlantic Ocean and the English Channel), all bugs and birds not in flight in England, and Wales. There are currently no known people or objects exempt from this contact-induced transformation. It is important to note that Ireland is not part of England, because it does not touch the mainland directly, just secondarily through water, preventing this change. All other countries are similarly exempt from this phenomenon for the same reason.

Philosophical and Logical arguments for this hypothesis are based on the simplicity and static nature of the phenomenon. Summarized, the England Hypothesis exists because firstly, England itself exists. Because those things that touch England are also England, and because there is no shift in thermodynamic, molecular or functional integrity, no scientific laws are broken. Therefore, the hypothesis is valid. Ironically, those who are touching England when arguing the validity of this hypothesis should not be given consideration, because they themselves are England and can therefore not be considered to have a fair stake in the outcome of the argument.

It is currently unclear what causes any thing to become England without requiring energy or undergoing visible change. Cultural theories vary, including the intervention by extraterrestrial lifeforms, the sun, and the limited human capacity to understand the complete use of words. Science has so far been unable to obtain evidence for its explanation, preventing further understanding.

Criticism and Alternative Hypotheses

A minority of Contact-Theorists as well as a few members of the scientific community disagree with the validity of the evidence for the England Hypothesis. Criticism generally stems from the complete lack of tangible evidence observed or recorded during and after the transformation from subject into England. Some scientists contend that because we cannot actually differentiate between a thing before it becomes England and after it does, that nothing has happened. Though this is supported by the Scientific Method, it ignores the simple fact that regardless of the lack of physical change, if something touches England, then it is England. A common metaphor used by critics in an attempt to invalidate the hypothesis is this: if someone is touching a flashlight, they are not necessarily also that flashlight. This metaphor, however, assumes that England is a flashlight, and so is logically unsound. An example counter-argument could be: if one sees the moon, one knows it is the moon, though one has no way of observing whether or not it is touching something else (like the sun) which would make it that object. In this same way it is known that a blade of grass in England is actually England, only we can see them touch.

In recent years, popularization of satirical alternative hypotheses to the England Hypothesis have been observed, arguing that rather than becoming England, someone or something touching England actually becomes a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Though openly a pseudoscientific and satirical theory, the intended purpose is to publicly question the validity of a phenomenon with no physical evidence. The movement has seen little to no public response, due to the incredibly unlikely chance that England is actually a monster made out of food.

Notable Supporters

Though scientifically the hypothesis is agreed upon at a near-consensus level, there are a few prominent and vocal supporters who particularly show positive interest in defending it. This includes renowned Psychologist Carl Jung, who said "...like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." Referring of course to the contact of a substance with England. Another supporter, Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote "A writer must refuse to allow himself to be turned into an institution" where he symbolized England as an institution due to its ability to transform things.