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Theories of Love.

Zick Rubin’s Liking and Loving.

Zick Rubin is a prolific pioneer of the studies between liking and loving. He argues that the feeling of liking and loving are completely misunderstood in the American society and that both are not relatively connected. Rubin states that liking does not equal loving and that different feelings are present of each. When someone likes somebody, he argues, is mainly because people enjoy spending time together with a different person that also develop a deeper sense respect to one another, therefore a feeling of affection develops between individuals and in result we begin to like somebody. On the other side of the spectrum, we have loving or attraction to a significant other. Social psychologist Zick Rubin comments that such feeling is the result of a rich attachment with each other, saying they cannot handle being separated. Moreover, loving someone also means caring for them greatly, further yet, they develop a sense of intimacy, a very personal feeling. Liking and loving are two very different themes and different factors play when we decide whether we like or love somebody else. Rubin claims that the American society is obsessed with the idea of liking and being liked, ideal that shapes their interaction with the outer world. The American culture sure does shape this ideal, since individuals are exposed to shared social norms, and values; terms that shape people’s source of direction and sensitivity. These ideals that are being passed through society shape our way we represent to other people. Unconsciously, individuals often look to please the rest of the people and pay too much attention on what they have to say, however, psychologists would argue that such case is inexistent, that everyone is too focused on themselves to worry about the rest.

Liking

Rubin witnesses this behavior because Broadway plays such as Death of a Salesmen by Arthur Miller and other sociologists like David Riesman suggest that being liked is the key to success. Both see the importance of being liked, and such base leads to greater social achievements. Rubin comments on how being liked has translated into popularity, one always looks to be popular and regardless of an individual’s socioeconomic status, it is something we are all concerned about. We can’t forget that in fact having connections and different relations with people lead to greater success, groups and networks definitely play a big role into one’s achievements and having extensive connections can often mean having a much broader options of jobs and activities. Conforming part of bigger institutions opens a lot more doors to personal development. After all, being liked is certainly an important key to success, Rubin also makes reference on how the United States Presidential Elections of 1956 were determined through a large extent by liking, Rubin talks about a woman in Texas who voted for Dwight D. Eisenhower because she said she just liked him, and that that is all she really knows. Clearly what it means to be liked seems very different to what being in loves means, yet society continues to confuse these two terminologies.

Affection and Respect.

Rubin gives examples on how liking can be interpreted in different ways. One example being that liking can mean preference or choice. For example, I like the play Death of a Salesman. Not necessarily liking another person but something important in their interpersonal choice he says. When compared to liking someone else, many other factors are present, Rubin says that dissections are made and in result other people are chosen and others are not. Rubin also mentions we then choose liking different people. Rubin connects this feeling to the culture in which one is located. In reference to sociologist James Coleman', he argues that anyone can be considered popular as long as they exhibit the right qualities and such qualities are determined by culture. They make reference to how hunters and gatherers become popular when they find great sources of food, or when a kid has the coolest toy in the market, the kid then becomes popular.

Rubin focused his research among undergraduate students and adolescents. Among High School students Coleman and Rubin comment on how being popular can be the result of different factors in play, liking someone because they are helpful in times of need is different than liking someone because they seem to be brave sportsmen, one may like someone because of the way the look or the way they act around, these differences shape the way we interact with them, Rubin and Coleman suggest. From shaking their hand, to saluting them with a kiss, or perhaps hugging them or choosing not to interact with certain individuals at all. Rubin therefore, dissected these feelings into Fundamental Dimensions of Liking, affection and liking. There are three different types of people, people who receive affection, others who receive respect and others who receive neither. In groups, Rubin argues, there is the person who has the ability to solve problems effectively, the one who is the “best liked”, the person with the best capabilities to solve problems could be considered as the one who is more respected because he/she exhibit a sense of leadership, and other “best liked” who could be considered as the one who reflects affection.

Further research suggests that the best liked people often receive more solidarity and the idea individual often gives opinions and suggestions. Being the "idea individual" is not always positive they argue, because as the “task specialist” the individual is, he/she has to assign tasks, and dominates discussions, resulting in hostile behavior from their peers. There comes the mediator who solves the issues from both sides and again, the “more liked” individual is still considered as the one who's receiving affection while the “idea man” continues to possess respect. Rubin then, asserts that in such case if someone is actually able to receive respect and affection, is very odd, but in case it happens, that individuals is regarded and with a mark of greatness.

Measuring the Unmeasurable.

Rubin argued that scales created by psychologists to measure the way they feel towards an individual and the one, who they at the same time, will be willing to work together in a project. It can be confusing and deceiving because in one instance one can say that they very much dislike a person and at the same time put that they would very much enjoy working with this person, that is just not reasonable. Having seen the lack of sense this questionaries’ provide, Rubin developed his own. Made up of third-teen questions, he developed the “liking scale”.

The “liking scale” serves to justify how the assumption that one does reflect the shade of difference with the original sentiment. Meaning that one does think about someone in a bene/ malevolent way and that its feeling connects with their opinion about someone. Rubin used the ideal research analysis, because his scale appropriately justifies his findings. However, deeper and more private sentiments cannot be merely reflected by only putting check marks on boxes. His research method demonstrate signs of un-reliability, because the people being study sometimes would not want to tell a researcher their true feelings.

Loving.

Rubin is aware that the Nature of Love is almost impossible to discover, he argues that throughout history a large quantity of Poets, Novelists, Philosophers, Theologians, Psychologists, Sociologists, men and women, have talked about it more than any other existent topic in the history of the world, in conclusion he does assert that love is perhaps the one feeling that cannot be explained through any research method and that no explanation is totally accurate. Trying to come up with a definite theory of what causes one to love somebody is practically impossible, debate has drowned theories of love, there the reason why a few researchers have done empirical research to explain how does love develop, feel… exist after all. Rubin does refer to finding the nature of love as a never-ending odyssey. Sure interpersonal attraction has been studied in the past two decades, but such research is more based with a feeling of liking, not loving at all. Rubin struggled to contextualize where to begin his study, he implied that some of the greatest Poets, Philosophers, Writers and Psychologists such as William Shakespeare, Plato, Voltaire, and Sigmund Freud, could not come up with certain definition of what love is. However, he did find one dimension that stood out. The position of love as needing and giving or attachment

Attachment.

The conception that love is an emotional and physical need Rubin argues, can be traced as far as the sixth century where Sappho’s work serve to demonstrate how love and affection for someone is powerful; is a necessity, a big desire, and that being with the other’s presence is essential for one’s purpose in life. The Greeks refer to this as Eros, or a more contemporary term, attachment. In every aspect, from love as an infant to its parents, to the love of a married couple. Even in the Bible, Rubin says, love means that the satisfaction and security of another person becomes as important as of our own, this is what the Ancient Greeks referred to as Agape which in modern terms translates into caring'.

Intimacy.

Besides attachment and caring from another individual, a deeper connection has to be bonded between two people. To this Rubin referred as Intimacy. Intimacy meant that a close and confidential communication exists between two individuals, through both, verbal and non-verbal communication. Through these three terminologies, Rubin argued, was enough to form a fairly good imperial research where he defined what it meant to like and love someone, once this terms were separated he preceded to develop his next step which consisted on creating a questionnaire where he would be examining the scores of dating couples, on both scales of liking and loving and include their plans for marriage. Third, he created the question that which examine their behavior, feeling-wise, and future of their relationship, in a way.

Putting love on a scale.

Rubin created a set of eight question in which he measured the attitude between individuals first, consisting of feelings, thoughts, and behavior around that other person, this serve only to compare the differences that exist between liking and loving. Afterwards he developed a questionnaire, consisting of seventy items that served as a tool to define the feelings towards “platonic friends” that this time served to set aside what an individual sees as most important in another person, at a deeper level. After all this process, Rubin created the original Scales of liking and loving, that consists of third-teen questions each and that it's perhaps one of the most influential evaluation that saves as a tool to define what it means to actually like and love someone. Today this scale is known a prolific method to define what being in love is and what liking somebody else means, two totally different feelings that society seems to misunderstand.