User:Margalob/Aunt Betty

Aunt Betty
Born	or or or Oregon
Died	TBD Presumably the Kingdom of Oregon, or a reportedly haunted house in Dublin
Spouse(s)	Biggs Goldman, Some sort of latrine
Theme song:
"Timber"
Twitter Handle:
@YoMomma
Website	www.BestAuntBettyEvah.com
Signature

Aunt Betty, ODB, OPP is an allegedly hypothetical woman from the U.S. state of Oregon, presumed to be a relative of at least one other Oregonian. She is widely renowned for her lack of notability, as well as her lack of significance to the state's social, economic, cultural, political, and geological history. (She does, however, rock, according to some band in Georgia.) Contrary to urban legend, she is a white girl.

According to Sherry Manning, "development director" of the massively successful Oregon Encyclopedia, that encyclopedia's "…entries can't just be about Aunt Betty. [Topics] have to be about things that really make Oregon Oregon: significant people, significant events." Ya know, important stuff like some random model airplane builder whom, according to the exalted/plush/self-important M.O. Stevens, "couldn't even get an article on Wikipedia if they paid for it, which is like saying alot cause like everything is on Wikipedia man."

Early life and also too later life, also

A direct descendant of Vasquez de Gama (brother of Vasco), a Portuguese "explorer" who discovered Eastern Oregon—but not the Oregon Coast, the Oregon Shore, or the Oregon coastal areas—Betty is widely understood to be at least 150 years old, though revealed birth and census records do not provide conclusive evidence of this fact. Apparently born blind, she was a farm girl in Redmond before her fascination with cities drew her to Portland, where her eyes opened.

At the age of 19, she became the youngest-ever Camp Fire Girls Scout Leader before beginning a highly successful career as a big band singer. She was featured in the earliest-known film noir crime drama in 1913. The career was interrupted when she had an affair with acclaimed Acadian actor Robért Wagnér, which resulted in the birth of a son, whose whereabouts are unknown.

Though she is mostly harmless, she became a suspect in several murders in Portland's Pioneer Courthouse Square, though the crimes are believed to have been divided up and committed by her plethora of precocious descendants. She is also a person of interest in the ongoing FBI investigation into the mysterious case of D. B. Cooper, "that odd uncle" whom "maybe someone just remembers". She is usually seen with her "faithful" companion, Xkcd the Coma-inducing Initial-capped Dog.

Recently, in April of 2014, Betty was castigated by political hopeful and childrens' author Erik Anders Bjørnson for saucily jotting "blah blah blah blah blah" during an interview panel for The Oregon Herald while incumbent Hugh Wetshoe was speaking. She later stated it was "for the public good" and attempted to distract Bjørnson by asking him about his views on the existence of Sasquatch. Bjørnson was heard to mutter "What about frogs?" Soon after that, in early 2016, Betty occupied the Malheur Wildlife Refuge, much to the astonishment of editors wishing for biographies to flow sequentially.

Upon the legalization of recreational pot in Oregon in 2015, she was ambivalent to the whole matter due to her long-term usage of weed, like a lot of Oregonians, so that she really was unaware of the change (though senility may have kicked in). The senility may explain why she can't shut her pie hole at Thanksgiving dinner, always talking about her damn ailments, which aren't even that bad because she uses marijuana to treat pain.

Latterly, or possibly second- or thirdly, when serving controversially as the "First Consort" of Oregon Governor Gertrude Lang, Betty denied any wrongdoing in an earlier Previous Scandal involving a Green Card Marriage to James G. Blaine, allowing him Oregon Citizenship, as he had forsaken the inferior State of Maine, in which pot was not legal, because he dreamed of starting a Weed and Server Farm in which they could also hide Betty's salacious e-mails showing a Conflict of Interest between her duties as Consort and her Business Arrangements with the Retail Establishment Edgy On Purpose, which featured clothing featuring Native Waterfowl. It was an proud moment for Oregon when a commentator was quoted as saying, quote, "Well, it's fair to say that Oregon has shown a real flair for the bizarre personal scandal." The bird on it had no comment.

Characteristics

Betty while on tour with the Stones

Politically, Aunt Betty is an independent, much like Oregon's own maverick reputation, but not in a Sarah Palin way. Speaking of mavericks, coincidentally Maverick was both shot and filmed and set in the mighty Beaver State, and rumor has it that Aunt Betty may have had a love child with one of the cast members, bringing her total of love-childs with actors to a solid two, though mathematically the number would be 1.7 after adjusting for the known probabilities that alleged occurrences occurred.

In mid-life, Betty became VERY well known for being the only Oregonian to marry a toilet. Soon after that, she mellowed and apparently become astronomically famous for her roast potatoes, but horribly infamous for her soggy coleslaw. She has never heard of cantaloupes, but she does believe in sarcasm. One time, at band camp, she made sweet love to a Bigfoot. However, detectives were unable to determine if the Sasquatch was injured.

Religiously, she has no denomination (but likes Jacksons over singles when working at the club), much like Oregon, but is quite spiritual, noting, "Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress." Aunt Betty has also observed, "Sitting in a church isn’t going to make me any more religious than sitting in a garage would make me a Ford." She is the proud owner of a big Buddha statue that she won at a bankruptcy auction. Betty discovered the statue after her foray into the New Thought movement ended with her local church going bankrupt. She had invested all of her egg money, not to be confused with a nest egg, with the founder of the church in hopes of being able to earn enough on the returns to finally retire, as she had lost everything in the Panic of 1893 and then again during the Great Depression. She has said, "God hasn’t always been good to me, but She’s been a Hell of lot more patient than Bank of America." She is a fighter, just like Oregon.

In fact, she often fights with her neighbors over their unruly Native rhododendrons, and has resorted to tasing "innocent" neighborhood street urchins when they play on her lawn. Her brash horticultural manners, especially her upkeep of a mysterious rose garden in Portland, have led some writers to label her "certainly strange", "certainly not worthless", and "possibly evil". She also heroically refuses to accept the fact that Oregon is Idaho's Portugal despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary provided by culturally out-dated people who use the internets.

Legacy (not the hospitals)

Due to the unresolved nature of the dispute over her age, the Oregon Legislative Assembly has repeatedly declined to name Betty "Mother Queen of Oregon," leaving Mary Ramsey Wood's undisputed claim to that title intact. Though some people claim it is actually a vastly large conspiracy to cover up the truth, and all those who participate in said conspiracy will be sent to prison, especially if they are cowboys.

Though if Betty is dead, her remains may now qualify as "soil". Thus a tiny group of very cheery schoolchildren at a very small quaint schoolhouse nestled in a stunning and large panoramic dell with a rich deep important history in the Mid-Valley may petition the legislature to name Betty as the state soil instead. The schoolchildren hasten to add that their school is "TEH BEST EVAH! LOL". What this may or may not have to do with Aunt Betty is not known at this point in time. A special committee has been formed to spend millions in taxpayer dollars to study the issue, and that committee may or may not be dead. The committee teamed up with Washington on the project, as Betty used to go to Seattle to watch her Blazers beat the SuperSonics till the later [sic] ran scared to Oklahoma, but that's OK. Betty personally thought the Blazers should have drafted Kevin Durant, as she had lived through the Sam Bowie era, as well as the Paul Bunyan era (and possibly the Goliath era) and has a deep and possibly unhealthy mistrust of tall men.

Aunt Betty was the inspiration for at least one cook book, and according to a source, at least one novel. Such source could not immediately be reached for comment on the contents of such novel. As of 2014, her fancy yet derelict and likely haunted mansion was under scrutiny by the National Register of Historic Places for its dubious historicity. What this may or may not have to do with her reportedly haunted reported death place in Dublin is not known at this point in time and remains to be sorted out by members of the Aunt Betty Historical Society and the Aunt Betty Legacy Foundation.

Research issues

Aunt Betty has lived an a-MAZE-ing life

A possible explanation for the conflicting information is that numerous different Oregon natives may have shared the characteristics of being named Betty, and of being someone's aunt, or have ancestors named Betty—for example, Betty Rubble.

"You should see the pile of census records we've compiled," stated one Wikipedia editor, who, like many of their kind, wished to remain anonymous. "When you have hundreds, possibly thousands, of documents reflecting different ages, among other contradictory evidence, you have to wonder whether they are all records of the same Aunt Betty or not."

Another research area that merits investigation is Aunt Betty's relationship with Weird Al, whom she either inspired to become a Wikipedia editor or who may have edited an unauthorized biography of Aunt Betty on Wikipedia.

In a particularly confusing and insidious development for researchers, Google has associated Aunt Betty with Tupperware in many search results in which drag queen Aunt Barbara became a top Tupperware seller. In addition, an impostor began posting advice about the use of Tupperware in a chat room about duck hunting, using the handle “Aunt Betty” and the tagline, “INTERNET CREDIBILITY is…an OXYMORON."

With the 2013 discovery of the Lewis and Clark Expedition by important vetting, fact-checking, and blind peer-reviewing scholars, it is hoped that these research issues can be resolved soon.