James King - Chess Club Advisor - Known to be the funniest kid in the upper class by many, it has been rumored that James once was paid around $200 to roll down the stairs while it was full of students. Dylan Colenairi described it as the following: "I saw him curl up into a ball at the top of the stairs. After screaming 'BONZAI', he rolled forward knocking two girls over from behind. He then proceeded to roll down the stairs toppling over many students in the process. Upon reaching the median in the stairwell, he stood up and I saw kids lying on the stairs. He continued to roll down the remaining flight."
Zach Beecher – Future President – Zach Beecher will probably become a very high political power. His skills are outstanding in the fields of excellence. A starting catcher and football player for the baseball and football teams, Zach has astounded even the most exuberant students. Says student Dylan Colenairi: “Zach knows the score. If anyone can do it he can. I have seen Zach climb mountains [Vice Principal] “Theodorable” Loeffler Jr. Pass up. Like this one time….. in band camp…. [Two minutes elapse] I saw Zach beat a bear with a fishing pole right in the back. The bear screamed and Zach hit it again, and the bear ran away.”
Jon Boss – Public Speaking Phenomenon – Jon “Jonny-Boy” Boss began his reign of the public speaking program at the beginning of the current school year (2006-2007). Once September had commenced, he was taken under the wing of Mrs. Eileen Waite. She was able to help him curve his natural abilities of running and add the power of that aspect to his writing. How is that possible? “I can’t tell ya,” says fellow student Dylan Colenairi. “Mrs. Waite was always skeptical of Jon’s abilities. She used to yell things at him like ‘Put that flame out Jon, I hear food Jon, and Is someone using the cows right now Jonny-Boy?.’ These comments would not be that farfetched if they weren’t occurring in the middle of her saying something else.”
Luke Kastuchik – School Light Bulb Chewing Champion – Luke “Little-Boy-Ol’-Pasty-Faced” Kastuchik started his infamous reign of light bulb chewing when he started high school. “One day I was walking down the hall near the commons with all the cases promoting clubs and such when I saw Luke inside one of them. He was stuck inside somehow and the lock had closed. Amazingly, the school must have paid for sound proof glass because he was banging and screaming and I couldn’t hear him,” said student body Dylan Colenairi.
Skip – Terminator – Known for doing practically nothing all day, Skip the rent-a-cop sits in his car all day outside the school to “prevent” students from cutting class. When asked if Skip was being effective even though nearly 50 students cut classes each day by driving right by him, Dylan Colenairi had this to say, “Shouldn’t you be asking stuff like this to Skip?”
James Ohn - Jackie Chan's Brother - James "Uh-Oh HotDog" Ohn had no idea of his biological family until late 2005 when Dr. Joe Scog-Nah-Mog-Na... ah forget it... decided he needed to practice a DNA test on two people. It was a one in six billion chance that he swabbed James and Jackie Chan for DNA. “He was trippin’ balls,” recalls fellow doctor Dylan Colenairi, “Joe had just got off a long day of school and ate some pills he found in his backpack. The next day, when none other than James Ohn opened his locker, a black and blue Joe-of-the-Scoggs, wearing a San Francisco 49er’s team practice jacket, signed by the team, fell out and James helped him up. In one pocket, he had a test-tube with a cotton swab in it. In his right hand, he held an unused one which he stuck into James’s mouth. ‘Hey baby... Open your eyes goddamn it,’ cried Joey. ‘They are open you <expletive deleted> scumbag,’ retorted James. Joey then skipped off down the halls. Three days later, Joe was back in school and handed James a manila folder with the test results. ‘I still don’t know where I was, but somehow I stuck it... [the cotton swab] into Jackie Chan’s mouth.’ I can’t understand how this could have been possible.” Mr. Chan had been at a charity function that night which was being hosted at his home in Los Angeles. That same night the 49er’s were playing a home game against the Giants, in San Francisco. Mr. Chan woke up in Tijuana, Mexico the next day with a headache due to a disease people only get in third-world countries from drinking stagnant water over a long period of time. The entire 49er’s team woke up on a London double-decker bus in a roundabout. The new bus had an odometer which read 453,890.1. The team had beer cans strewn around the area they had been driving in. A digital camera was found which contained many pictures of the team with Joey. The driver, Edwin Rivera, had numerous drugs in his system and was “sleep-driving” (a condition which happens regularly to New York city cab drivers and British bus drivers. the driver simply drives as if awake and sleeps at the same time.) when the teams coach, who had a tattoo of Joe’s name in a heart on his chest, woke him. To this day it is unknown how Dr. Joe Scoggs was able to do a cross-country journey in one night, go to England, and still make it back to the high school without being late for the bell.
