Template:Did you know nominations/Shaquille Murray-Lawrence

The following is an archived discussion of the DYK nomination of the article below. Please do not modify this page. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as this nomination's talk page, the article's talk page or Wikipedia talk:Did you know), unless there is consensus to re-open the discussion at this page. No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: promoted by Allen3 ^talk 10:47, 3 September 2015 (UTC)

Shaquille Murray-Lawrence

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... that Canadian football running back Shaquille Murray-Lawrence broke a CFL Combine record with a 4.41 second 40-yard dash, but lost the record to Tevaughn Campbell by 0.06 seconds in the same event?

ALT1:... that Canadian football player Shaquille Murray-Lawrence returned a kick 89 yards for a touchdown in his first professional game, but the play was nullified by a holding penalty?
Reviewed: Enrique Porta
Comment: While I prefer the substance of hook 1, I believe it's currently too long (not technically, but practically). Unless anyone can offer suggestions on how to pare it down more, ALT 1 is probably preferable. I've had difficulty cutting it down more than it already is.

Created by BU Rob13 (talk). Self-nominated at 15:03, 7 July 2015 (UTC).

.(Alt2)~~... that Canadian football running back Shaquille Murray-Lawrence lost his record for a 40-yard dash on the same day as he made it?~~

Ive cut down the main hook to make alt2 Victuallers (talk) 08:31, 8 August 2015 (UTC)

The interesting thing about that hook is how close the record was. Also, I don't believe it's sourced in the article that it was the same day; the CFL Combine goes over multiple days, I believe. Let's try this copyedit instead. In particular, I've cut his position and the name of the person who broke his record, since both aren't really necessary. It's now 174 characters, which while not in my ideal range of less than 160, is well below the limit of 200. I normally don't propose longer hooks, but this one needs the detail to keep its interesting bits. ~ Rob^Talk 09:32, 8 August 2015 (UTC)

ALT3: ~~... that Canadian football player Shaquille Murray-Lawrence broke a CFL Combine record with a 4.41 second 40-yard dash, but lost the record by only 0.06 seconds later that event?~~

I disagree ... ALT3 tells me so much that I dont need/want to know anymore. Just a reminder - you did ask for suggestions that you have taken some effort to strike out and justify your original suggestion. I think you will find that most records are broken by small amounts. The novelty is how quick it was. Good luck Victuallers (talk)

New enough, long enough. Hook short enough and sourced, but I believe that a vague hook is a good hook. No neutrality problems found, no copyright problems found. QPQ done and image properly licensed. ALT4 ... that Shaquille Murray-Lawrence broke a CFL Combine record, only to have his record beaten later that event?--Laun chba ller 23:06, 15 August 2015 (UTC)

@Launchballer: I guess I can drop some facts from the hook, but I'm not sure I want to drop that many facts from the hook. How about the following: ~ Rob^Talk 04:51, 16 August 2015 (UTC)

ALT5: ... that Shaquille Murray-Lawrence ran the fastest 40-yard dash in CFL Combine history, but lost the record later that same event?

I do apologise, I believed my message had taken. I'm sorry, I believe that the information about what record was smashed is the difference between the hook being interesting or not - viewers will want to 'zoom in' to see which record the man broke.

BlueMoonset: I can't approve my own hook, would you mind?--Laun chba ller 20:03, 22 August 2015 (UTC)

Launchballer, I'll be honest: I prefer ALT5 to ALT4; it tells me right away that this is a speed record, while ALT4 could be an unexciting event like jumping or discus, since the vast majority of readers will have no idea what a CFL Combine consists of. ALT5 has a similar level of detail to ALT2, which was proposed by Victuallers. But I'll see about getting another opinion on the remaining hooks (I've just struck ALT3). BlueMoonset (talk) 20:24, 22 August 2015 (UTC)

Wow, didn't realize how close my ALT5 and Victuallers' ALT2 were. Don't know why I was so against ALT2 in the past; I'll contribute that to changing tastes in hooks as I got involved in prep. ~ Rob^Talk 20:31, 22 August 2015 (UTC)

Its short but long enough. Alt5 is referenced as is the rest of the article. Its neutral. there is no image. No paraphrasing spotted. (I presume "CFL Combine" means a lot to quite a few people). Thanks for thisVictuallers (talk) 15:28, 1 September 2015 (UTC)