Talk:William E. Sawyer/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: A. C. Santacruz (talk · contribs) 11:17, 1 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
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Comments:

Grammar and prose

Lead

Perhaps the order of the sentences in the first paragraph could be changed: from

1 William Edward Sawyer (1850 – April 15, 1883) was an American inventor in the field of electrical engineering and electric lighting. 2 He worked for Western Union at the beginning of his career and many of his inventions relate to telegraph equipment. 3 He was one of the founders of the Electro Dynamic Light Company that manufactured incandescent electric lamps and developed city electrical distribution systems. 4 He won many lawsuits against Thomas A. Edison for the invention of the incandescent electric lamp. 5 His electric lamps were used to illuminate the Chicago's 1893 World's Columbian Exposition. 6 Sawyer had dozens of patents, with some of his inventions related to electric lights, electric meters, telegraph facsimile machines, and television technology.

to

1 William Edward Sawyer (1850 – April 15, 1883) was an American inventor in the field of electrical engineering and electric lighting. 5 His electric lamps were used to illuminate the Chicago's 1893 World's Columbian Exposition. 3 He was one of the founders of the Electro Dynamic Light Company that manufactured incandescent electric lamps and developed city electrical distribution systems. 4 He won many lawsuits against Thomas A. Edison for the invention of the incandescent electric lamp. 6 Sawyer had dozens of patents, with some of his inventions related to electric lights, electric meters, telegraph facsimile machines, and television technology.

I have numbered the sentences in the original lead in order for it to be easier to follow. Note I have removed sentence 2 about western union, as I think both the prominence of this within the article, its importance to his notability, or how necessary it is for readers to know this about Sawyer indicate it is not suited for the lead paragraph (especially not the second sentence). Feel free to discuss this, of course

Most of the sentences start with "He/His/Sawyer [...]" which feels repetitive. Mentioning the dates or using some connecting words would greatly help the readability of the prose, for example a suggestion on the second paragraph: He was well-known for shooting a medical doctor in the face, doing permanent damage to an eye. The incident stemmed from a quarrel between his wife and the doctor's wife. He was sentenced to four years of hard labor at the New York state prison for the crime of assault to do bodily harm, but died before starting his sentence. to In 1880, he shot a medical doctor in the face in an incident stemming from a quarrel between their wives. The shooting left the doctor with permanent eye damage and Sawyer was sentenced to four years of hard labor for assaulting with intent to do bodily harm. However, he died in 1883 before starting his sentence, and many expected the Governor of New York to pardon him. (or something along those lines)
Done

Early life

As an example of his work is that on one occasion [...] to On one occasion [...]. The "as an example [...]" part is unnecessary.
Done

Mid life

I'd suggest renaming this to "Early career".
Done

and got work to and began working.
Done

Was Hiram Maxim hired after he was fired? If so this sentence fits somewhat weirdly here as it needs more context to make sense to the reader why this is important. For example, I'd suggest phrasing it as Hiram Maxim (who would later go on to be involved with the invention of the light bulb, the maxim gun, and other important innovations of the late 19th and early 20th century) worked as chief engineer for the company during/a few years after Sawyer's tenure at the company.
Done

carried on experimentation with Sawyer sounds like Sawyer was a guinea pig in Man's experiments. I'd suggest collaborated/aided/assisted with Sawyer on his experiments
Done

Two many "Another [...]" sentence formulations in the third paragraph. With the list of his inventions in the next section, I'd recommend not listing inventions here but rather putting the inventions in the context of his career/state of the industry. Would these inventions be considered simplistic? What made them innovative? Were they mostly improvements on others' designs or were they a significant deviation from past practices? How did they affect his later patents, either by inspiration or financial opportunities generated by his early patents allowing him to work on the latter ones? etc.
Done

Inventions

The beginning of this sections includes various dates that are earlier to the 1878 date mentioned in his Mid life section. This is a bit of a whiplash to read, so I'd suggest including this paragraph in the previous section.

Done

The list is quite hard to read and to non-experts in early electricity they all kind of look the same. I'd recommend shortening this to a few highlights and explaining why they were important. For example, he has two patents for different electric switches. Why did he make the second one?

Done - I'd like to keep the list.

Fair enough. I do think it's an issue but if the rest is fine the article should meet GA criteria anyhow.Santacruz ⁂ Please ping me! 19:19, 1 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

I'd recommend putting the list at the end of the section. It is somewhat confusing to read a list of inventions without much context and then read afterwards the chronology of his business career.

Done

The company's purpose was for the lighting of streets, and buildings. reads weirdly. I'd suggest merging it with the following two sentences like so: The company manufactured and sold all the machinery necessary for the lighting of streets and buildings, based on patents developed by Sawyer.

Done

The patent war paragraph is hard to read, especially the following section: They transferred their rights to the Electro Dynamic Light Company. They had the first Electric-Light System. They sued all the Edison electric companies in 1883 for infringing upon their patents that they secured from the US Patent Office.. I'd suggest removing the electric light system and merging the two other sentences like so: Sawyer and Man transferred their patent rights to their company, and proceeded to sue Edison's companies in 1883 for patent infringement. It is a given that their patent rights are secured by the USPO.

Done

How were the patent rights transferred to the Thompson company? I'd mention that.

Done

Autographic telegraph facsimile machine

claim -> claimed. They're dead.

Done

The lines being made nonconductors by means of powdered shellac as they are passed between friction rollers. This grammar is wrong but I'm not sure I understand the sentence enough to know how.

Done

Above this are carried metallic points which, -> Metallic points above this are carried. Many of the sentences in this section have this kind of error, which I'd joke-fully refer to as yoda-speak where the subject is being mentioned after its descriptor and makes the section feel like archaic text. This might suggest too closely quoting old descriptions of the tool or the patent itself.

Done

To be honest I'd suggest this section be split into a separate article. It seems like a valuable invention, and currently takes about as much readable text as the rest of his inventions, mid-life, and early-life combined. If it is not notable enough to have its own article, then I'd suggest greatly trimming the description of how the machine works. The level of detail currently in the article is undue for sawyer's biography (unless sources dedicate a third of their text on him to the functioning of his machine).

Done

Television construction plans

The first paragraph has many of the issues with the previous section, namely too much technical detail and dense, archaic wording. How I see it is descriptions of these inventions should be able to be understood by high school students and not patent office workers, if that makes sense. I don't mean that in an offensive way (I read patents for fun sometimes), just that the content in these sections seems more suitable to technical than biographical articles.

Done

Shooting

At the time Steele was fifty years old, a resident originally from Kentucky and had been for many years a professor at a college there. He served in the American Civil War as colonel of a southern regiment and had been in the northern states for a few years. This text seems wrongly placed. I'd either put it at the begin as part of a description of Steele or remove it altogether.

Done

Personal life

and they were named respectively, there is no order referenced in respect to their naming. Thus, just saying named would suffice.

Done

Is it Dacie or Dacia?

Done

He was known as a prominent electrician[65] and the electrician who gained notoriety in 1880 when he had a controversy with Edison as to who was entitled to the patent rights of the electric light.[66] He was known as an electrician, stenographer, reporter and telegraph operator when he died in 1883.[4] In 1881 he was known as Professor Sawyer, the well known New York electrician.[67] This section reads weirdly. I'd suggest removing these sentences, and just saying he was referred to as "the electrician" after his death in many occasions, an indicator of his notability in contemporary society for his work in this field or something along those lines.

Done

General notes

It seems the copyvio tool is not working so I'll have to wait a bit to check that. Outside of that, I'd really like to thank you for your work on this article, Doug Coldwell, as I greatly enjoyed the read and always appreciate the articles on engineers and inventors being improved. I hope fishing through old-timey newspapers wasn't too annoying, with all the small text and whatnot :P.Santacruz ⁂ Please ping me! 12:55, 1 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]
@A. C. Santacruz: Thanks for the review and the great suggestions. I will be working on them today. Your English is very good, as if you were originally from England. Warm? I don't hear a Dutch accent, however I DO HEAR a British accent. I should know what a Dutch accent sounds like since my wife is from Groningen. We live in northern Michigan, where the snow is now.--Doug Coldwell (talk) 13:24, 1 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]
I was raised in Getxo, Spain but went to an American school where I was taught in English since first grade. Your compliment is greatly appreciated :). I hope I go to Michigan some day, I'll be visiting some cousins in Birmingham and Denver soon but don't plan on going that far North this time. Santacruz ⁂ Please ping me! 13:33, 1 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]
I see you have fixed all the issues raised. Congratulations Doug Coldwell!
@A. C. Santacruz: That makes 197 Good Articles I have made. --Doug Coldwell (talk) 12:10, 2 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Woah! Hope you get to 200 soon, I'll keep your userpage on my watchlist so I can congratulate you for that in due time :). Santacruz ⁂ Please ping me! 12:12, 2 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]