Talk:When Your Heart Stops Beating/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: J Milburn (talk · contribs) 21:29, 3 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Happy to offer a review. It's a shame you've had to wait as long as you have. J Milburn (talk) 21:29, 3 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, overall, I'm detecting real problems with neutrality/tone.

I feel that the language is a little over-editorialised, and not really in the appropriate neutral tone for Wikipedia. "in earnest", "electro-tinged", "Longtime friend and veteran producer", "Much of Hoppus' lyrical content on the record, which he viewed as his most personal, is dark", "hotly anticipated", "several darker musical ideas", "Barker behind the kit", "dismayed", "by necessity everything was electronic", "basement recordings", "ambient and quiet by necessity", "traded and shared vocals", "drafted as a member", "album fuses many different song structures", "loud chorus explosion", "traditional punk sound (with a much more melodic touch), but also highlight electronica as a key influence", " an undercurrent throughout the record", "misinformation flooded the Internet", "countless impostors posting fake songs online", "peppering blogs", "burying themselves in the studio", "Interestingly enough", "rolled on", "relished the opportunity", "slipping old Blink songs", "rather adamant stance",
"undersold commercial expectations" doesn't mean what you think it means, and I'm not sure what "Many critics viewed it as a fractured version of Blink-182" means at all
"charted within the top 20 on Billboard's Modern Rock Tracks chart" Why not just say its position?
"The side project would cause great division between DeLonge and Hoppus, who was not included and felt betrayed.[3] The moody subject matter and music on Box Car Racer edged its way into the Blink sound as well, and the band explored experimentalist elements on their next effort, an eponymous fifth studio album (2003).[4][5][6]" This is a passage which, for me, really illustrates the inappropriate tone in the article. It reads like a press release, or something from a music blog. It doesn't read like an encyclopedia article.loud chorus explosion
Can I recommend using "autumn" rather than "fall"? The latter is unfamiliar to BritEng speakers
"had emerged as the biggest pop punk act of the era, releasing the seven-times-multiplatinum Enema of the State (1999) and number one album Take Off Your Pants and Jacket (2001)." ... "felt increasingly conflicted both about his creative freedom within the group and the toll touring was taking on his family life" ... "Further arguments ensued during rehearsals, rooted in the band member's increasing paranoia and bitterness toward one another" Again, it's like a blurb from a glossy biography
"bandmates priorities "mad, mad different," coming" See MOS:LQ. There are other examples which need to be fixed.
"had simply grew apart as they aged, had families, and reached fame" Tense issues (they had simply grown, or they simply grew), but, in any case, inappropriate tone
"whom he once considered his greatest friend" Again, over editorialised, and I'm not clear how a source from 15 months later could confirm that they would not speak for "several years".
"Immediately following DeVoe's phone call, Hoppus and Barker began laying down new ideas." Sensationalisation, unclear what phonecall you're talking about
I'm inclined to think that your background is much longer and more detailed than it needs to be. I appreciate that background sections are useful, but most of it seems more relevant to the +44 article, if it belongs on Wikipedia at all
"the entire direction for the band evolved into a more organic sound" What does this mean?
"Shortly afterward, friend Craig Fairbaugh came in to observe and listen and play to songs; by the end of the day, Hoppus and Barker asked him to become the fourth member of the group." Sensationalisation
"In February 2006, the band began recording in earnest for the record" Inappropriate tone, but we're now in the fifth paragraph of the main article, and it's the first mention of the subject of the article. Something seems to be wrong with this.
"Finn came in late into production to oversee completion, but eventually provided ideas and wrote songs with Hoppus" If he arrived that late, how could he write songs for the album?
"By August, the band decided on naming the album When Your Heart Stops Beating. "We always thought of the phrase 'when your heart stops beating' as capturing the good and the bad in the world in everything," said Hoppus of the title. "When you fall in love with a lady and your heart skips a beat or something great happens. And also, obviously, when your heart stops beating, the end of things."" Uncited quote?
"Many critics noticed the similarity between the sound of the music of +44 and Blink-182's final album before their break-up, Blink-182 (2003)." But you cite only one?
"A little death makes life more meaningful" or "Little Death"?
"noticed its prevalence in hip-hop songs" The prevalence of what?
"silence on press interviews" What does this mean?
"The album artwork was made available in three different colors: blue, pink, and green. Each version had a different acoustic track,. Interestingly enough, many of the edited versions were pressed on the versions with blue covers; green contained the unedited.[33]" I'm unclear what this means. Also, why is there no mention of any release outside of the US?
Avoid personifying publications
"While many punk- and a few mainstream-oriented publications gave it a high grade, other namable sources such as Rolling Stone and Alternative Press were less impressed with the album." Sources?
"Barker was in constant pain but soldiered through the performances, altering his kit set-up to accommodate.[44] "He is now using his left foot as his right arm, Def Leppard style," confirmed Hoppus.[44] A doctor informed Barker he had broken a bone in his arm during the band's video shoot and was instructed to immediately rest and not take part in the band's upcoming live dates, including early 2007 jaunts to Australia and Europe.[44] Barker nevertheless took part, but after an excruciating Amsterdam gig, the band drafted Gil Sharone, then of The Dillinger Escape Plan, to fill-in for him.[43]" This writing is not appropriate
The music sample is too long, and the quality is too high. 64kbps and 10% of the song would be fine, per WP:SAMPLE

I'm yet to look at the sources, but I feel that the article is seriously lacking right now, mostly because of the tone. I'm happy to leave this open for a time, but I fear that a considerable amount of work is needed before this will be ready for GA status. Sorry. J Milburn (talk) 22:20, 3 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Given the lack of progress in the week since the review and the significant problems with the article, I'm afraid I'm going to have to close this review. I do think the article has potential, and I do suggest that you renominate once you've made some changes. If you'll permit me some guesswork, I'd be inclined to say that the tone (necessitating a lot of work) may be why you had to wait so long for a review. J Milburn (talk) 18:37, 10 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]