Talk:Toby Kane/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Jaguar (talk · contribs) 21:39, 2 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I'll take up this review. Judging by the size of this article it won't take long and if it makes GA it could be one of the shortest. I'll leave down some initial comments within 48 hours as I have another GAR before this, but I could review this one first to get it out of the way... I mainly focus on copyediting issues. Thanks! ☠ Jaguar ☠ 21:39, 2 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose quality:

B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. References to sources:
It is well referenced.

B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:

B. Focused:
Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:
Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:

B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
Overall:
Pass or Fail:

Initial comments

Lead

The lead is looking on the short side, could it be expanded a little to explain more of his career?
- Y Expanded the lead. Hawkeye7 (talk) 22:15, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Toby Kane (born 30 December 1986)[1]" - Per WP:LEAD and most GA articles, it is in best practise to either remove or relocate citations from the lead into the main article.
- Y Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:08, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Personal

"Toby Kane was born in Sydney" - should be linked and written as Sydney, New South Wales or Sydney, Australia?
- Y Linked Sydney. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:16, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"He is studying a double degree in medicine and surgery at the University of Notre Dame, Sydney, and sat his final exams in late 2013" - this doesn't make sense. This says that he sat his final exams in 2013 but the sentence opened up saying that he is 'currently' studying at the University? Is he still at University or did he finish in 2013?
- Y An error. They were not his final ecams. He still has a year to go. Corrected. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:16, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"His parents are Sally and Steve and he has an older brother Tim." - this sounds too informal here and not grammatically great either!
- Y Carefully re-worded to the more usual biography pro-forma. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:16, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Career

"He had the honour being Australia's flag bearer at two Winter Paralympic Games – carried the flag at the closing ceremony of the 2006 Torino Games..." - What two Winter Paralympic Games were they (it explains this later on in the sentence but it would better if it specified which two at the start)? And grammatically this sentence isn't too great. How about something like He had the honour being Australia's flag bearer at [two Winter Paralympic Games]. He also carried the flag at the closing ceremony of the 2006 Torino Games and at the opening ceremony of the 2010 Vancouver Games. (you may want to improvise if you want!)
- Y Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:46, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"carried the flag at the closing ceremony of the 2006 Torino Games[4]" - this ref should be moved to the end of the sentence
- Y Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:46, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"During the 2011–12 IPC Alpine Skiing World Cup season, he won another bronze in the giant slalom" - giant slalom? Please could you clarify this for readers unfamiliar with this (especially me!)
- Yeah. There's slalom, giant slalom, and super giant slalom. There was a big debate on Wikipedia about what to call the latter. We asked the Olympic and Paralympic athletes, and they said they called it super G, so we went with that. The best I can do is link the various events. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:46, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"In 2011, he received a Sport Achievement Award from the Australian Institute of Sport" - Australian Institute of Sport has already been linked twice in this section
- Y Removed all the duplicated links. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:46, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Kane competed in five events at the 2014 Winter Paralympics in Sochi, Russia, winning a bronze medal third in the Men's Super-G behind Russia's Alexey Bugaev and Austria's Matthias Lanzinger. It was Australia's first medal at the Games." - please clarify, was this Australia's first medal in the Sochi games or the Winter Paralympics altogether?
- Y It was the first of the Sochi games. Clarified. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:46, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
The final paragraph of this section would not pass for GA. The sentence structure does not make any sense, for example - "He announced that he would retire after the Games. Towards the end of the Games..." - the sentence opens up with announcing that Kane would retire from the games then it leads onto "Towards the end of the games..." His retirement should be placed after!
- Y It's in the right order. Changed to Before competing in his final events, he announced that he would retire at the conclusion of the Games. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:46, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

On hold

This is a short and compact article but currently this does not meet the GA criteria as the only things holding it back are the length of the lead and the copy editing issues of the Career section. Before this has a chance of passing I would strongly recommend re-writing the last paragraph of the Career section as the prose does not make any sense (I left the comments above). I'll put this on hold for seven days until those issues can be addressed and if those concerns have been clarified then this article would have a good hope of passing GA. Thanks! ☠ Jaguar ☠ 17:59, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I did an extensive copy edit on all the Winter Paralympian articles, but seem to have missed this one. My apologies. I trust that all the issues have been addressed now. Hawkeye7 (talk) 22:26, 6 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Close - promoted

Sorry for coming back to the review late as I have been very busy for these past few days. There has been a lot of effort put into this article and now the prose of this article meets the GA criteria! Thank you for your extensive copy edit of this article as now all of those issues I have mentioned above have been addressed to. Well done on all the extra work - it looks like another Olympian GA! ☠ Jaguar ☠ 16:17, 9 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]