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Talk:Tin Man (Star Trek: The Next Generation)/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 04:19, 27 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

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  • For the sentence introducing the writing credits, replace the comma between Bailey and David with an “and” and eliminate the comma and “and” after Bischoff to make the sentence flow better.
  • Since the Tin Woodman appears in several other works by L Frank Baum outside of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, replace the reference to the specific book with Oz books and link to List of Oz books to indicate the larger series.
  • Remove link to bio ship. It is unnecessary unless you are planning on developing on an article on this subject in the future.
  • Done. It's a tempting prospect in the future, certainly the theme has appeared in several different science fiction series. I can always come back and introduce the link then. Miyagawa (talk) 19:41, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • I would clarify in the meaning of the second sentence in the third paragraph by saying “production of the episode”
  • Include the running time in the infobox

Plot

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  • The final sentence in the first paragraph has a lot of great information, but I would highly recommend splitting into two sentences (the first focusing on Elbrun’s inability to filter out the crew’s thoughts and his meeting with Data and the second on the friendship). You can also choose to tie together these ideas with a semicolon.
  • Is there a reason why you put Tin Man in quotation marks? Articles on fictional spacecrafts, like TIE fighter, do not put the names in quotation marks so I would suggest removing them, but if you have a reason –for doing so, then let me know.
  • That was a mistake in a find and replace I ran through the text to make sure I'd put quotation marks around the episode title - so it shoved them in the mentions of Tin Man in the plot as well. They're now removed. Miyagawa (talk) 19:41, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Add a comma between the phrases “regains control” and “they find”
  • Remove “later” in the final sentence of the third paragraph, as it is unnecessary.

Production

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  • Image needs an alt.
  • I would change the reference to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz as I stated in the “Lead and infobox” comments section
  • You repeat the word “pass” a lot in the second paragraph. Add some variety to your language.
  • For the second sentence of the third paragraph, I would change it to “Michael Cavanaugh also appeared as…” as “Also appearing…” reads somewhat awkwardly to me. Keep the link to the actor obviously.
  • Add “in” before “several non-canon books”
  • Could you expand your sentence about Sheerer’s disappointment with the episode? What led him to feel this way? A short, additional sentence would be helpful here if more concrete reasons are provided in the source cited.

Broadcast

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  • Great work here; no comments or suggestions for improvement.

Critical reception

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  • Move the reference to Jones and Parkin’s book to the beginning of the sentence as it abruptly cuts the sentence and breaks up the subject from the main verb in an awkward manner.
  • Replace “but” in the second sentence of the first paragraph with “Jones and Parkin”
  • In the same sentence, add a verb between “and” and “that”. Something like “said” or “wrote” would be appropriate here.
  • Careful with alternating between British and American spellings. You use the British spelling of characterisation and alternate between the American and British spellings of criticize and its variants. I would suggest looking over the entire article with this in mind.
  • What about the characterization was praised by Hise and Schumer? Which characters are they referring to here?
  • Add “the” between the “criticized” and “one dimensional” in the second sentence of the second paragraph.
  • Break up the same sentence referenced in the last comment as it reads awkwardly and awkwardly transitions between different focuses in the review.
  • In the third sentence of the second paragraph, be careful with pronoun usage. Your current wording could be read as DeCandido crediting his own performance in the show (which is obviously incorrect). Fixing this by replacing "he" with DeCandido and his with Groener's.
  • I would suggesting putting B+ in quotation marks
  • I am assuming that you mean “should not have been” in the last sentence of the second paragraph.

Home media release

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  • The phrase “appearing on…” sounds awkward when discussing a release. I would change the sentence to: (“Tin Man” was first released on VHS cassette on August 8, 1991 in the United States and Canada”). Keep the link to VHS obviously.
Done. Miyagawa (talk) 19:41, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Otherwise, great work.

Notes and references

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  • Great work here as always. I am always impressed with how you could find sources for all these episodes. Again, great job!

Final comments

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  • I've answered the majority of points, but I need to go check the sources for the last couple of points and then read it through to double check the American/English spellings. Miyagawa (talk) 19:41, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Great job with the article; like always, it is excellent work! I am going to ✓ Pass it as the only thing left to change is the British and American spellings. Aoba47 (talk) 05:56, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]
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