Talk:Sprague Cleghorn/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Secret (talk · contribs) 20:22, 18 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I'll be reviewing this article. Thanks Secret ^account 20:22, 18 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I'm failing this article, it needs a complete rewrite, the mechanics of this article is terrible.

Cleghorn was born in the Westmount area of Montreal in 1890, a son of William John and Harriet Isabella (née Ogilvie) Cleghorn.[1] Grammar, a son?
"Growing up in Montreal, he attended the local Westmount Academy and would play on junior and amateur teams until 1909." "the local" is redundant
"United State Amateur Hockey Association" typo??
"Cleghorn still enjoyed rushing the puck forward and developed into an offensive defenceman." - I'm sure you can reword "rushing the puck forward" to a more understandable language, or at least some wikilinks.
"The next season saw the Cleghorn brothers move to the Montreal Wanderers, where both spent the next six seasons." Missing word, and "season" mentioned twice in the sentence, better to put the exact year instead of next season.
"rink-length puck rushes" - lost in meaning, sports slangish that I don't even understand
"Cleghorn would often violently retaliate to opposing players taking liberties on his teammates" - can you clarify what taking liberties on his teammates means?
"he played for the Senators that season" what season?
"During his time with the Bruins, he served as a veteran presence on the team, as well as a mentor to future hall of fame defenceman Eddie Shore.[17]" Hall of Fame should be caps
"After his retirement, Cleghorn took to coaching, like his brother, who at the time was coaching the Pittsburgh Pirates in the NHL.[18]" - I don't see it relevant where his brother coached unless it influenced his coaching career, remove the second part of the sentence.
"The team would advance to the semifinals of the playoffs, eventually being eliminated by eventual champion Toronto Maple Leafs." eventually should be "before being eliminated by....".
Why he left the Maroons?
On May 8, 1911 at New York, Cleghorn married Evelyn Irene Mabie, whom he had met whist playing with the Wanderers there. "there" is redundant and I'm not sure if the location is needed.
"Cleghorn was hit by a car on his way to work on June 27, 1956 on Montreal's Commissioners Street." What was his other occupation?
"perhaps induced by the stress of the loss of his brother" is a personal opinion not covered by the source, remove
Be consistent with the references, some books mentioned on citations are not mentioned in bibliography, while others with one citation and not related to Cleghorn are.
I didn't even bother to read the NHL career section, which should be merged with the NHA part of "early life" as this article simply has too many problems. This article needs a proper copyedit. Ask someone like Resolute to help you and nominate again when it's done. No close paraphrasing concerns, images are free. Secret ^account 01:23, 22 March 2014 (UTC)[reply]