Talk:Shelby Starner/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 12:50, 19 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

Lead too long, probably just a single paragraph would suffice for an article of this brevity.
Her date of death appears to be 22 June, not 23 June.
"Starner was born " we usually include the first name on the first instance of such bios.
"In 1996, as a Christmas present, her father bought three hours of time at a studio[4]" isn't this the same as "When Starner turned 11 years old, her father bought her time at a recording studio"?
I'm a bit confused by the studio time and chronology, sorry...

I restructured it after revisiting the references. I think the timeline is better now. TJMSmith (talk) 15:56, 21 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"al.[5][4] I" ref order. Also, around this part of the article we have several short sentences, and it's not crystal clear that the record deal was signed with Warner so that could use some rework.
" Warner Bros. Records." is overlinked.
"a full US tour " -> "a full tour of the United States"
"with members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers" how did that come about? And which members?

I scoured the internet but can't find any specifics. They were both signed by Warner so I imagine that was the connection but I couldn't find any elaboration. TJMSmith (talk) 15:56, 21 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

" were initially intending on finding a" -> "initially intended to find a"
"mother was diagnosed ... her mother's diagnosis" repetitive.
" in Doctors without borders." Doctors Without Borders.

Ended up switching to their French name since that is the name of the Wiki article. I can switch it back if wanted. TJMSmith (talk) 15:56, 21 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"in August 2003[3] to study Latin-American studies and writing. " move ref 3 to end.
"study ... studies" is repetitive.
Ref 15, various users are going round removing any use of Daily Mail references for "any purpose", so I suggest you replace that ref (also, for context, see WP:DAILYMAIL).
"Starner entered hospital for treatment " when?
"Starner's body gave in to the effects " not encyclopedic.
Category says University of Pittsburgh people but did she actually attend?

She was accepted to attend Pitt but died just before attending. That's why I didn't include her in the alumni category.TJMSmith (talk) 15:56, 21 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"From in the Shadows[20] Released: April 6, 1999[20] Label: Warner Bros. Records Formats: CD, Cassette" no need to repeat the [20]. Also would suggest some punctuation after Records, e.g. a comma or a full stop. Cassette doesn't need to be capitalised.

That's all I have on a quick first pass. On hold for now. The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 09:02, 20 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Hi TRM, thanks for reviewing. I either addressed your suggestions above or responded to them specifically. Stay healthy! TJMSmith (talk) 15:56, 21 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]
No worries, I made a couple of tweaks but I think we're just about there so I'm promoting. Cheers. The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!)

Thank you for your review and contributions! All the best, TJMSmith (talk) 17:19, 21 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]