Talk:Running with Scissors ("Weird Al" Yankovic album)/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: LazyBastardGuy (talk · contribs) 03:30, 6 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Just wanted to claim this one. I'll get to this one within the next couple of days.

As per usual, easy stuff first:

Images
- Album cover: Nicely done.
- Trent Reznor: Nicely done.
- Weird Al in Jedi uniform: Nicely done.
Audio
- "The Saga Begins": Good portion to display. Well within the free use limitations.
Stability: No power struggle going on here.
Sourcing:
- ~~"The Pentiums" is currently a blog. What did it used to be? I can't tell.~~

Mystery resolved as I reviewed the rest of the article. Nevermind. Lazy Bastard Guy 20:04, 9 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

- I have mixed feelings about TheForce.net. Care to assuage my doubts?
  While it is a fansite, I'm only using an interview between Weird Al and the site, which I think is OK, since it would just be WP:PRIMARY, and Yankovic is a well-known and established artist.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 00:13, 12 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Fair enough. Lazy Bastard Guy 03:19, 12 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

Actual release date up here, not just 1999.
"Then-current" seems a tad informal. You could say, "...which was released around the same time," or something to that effect.
"Before mentioned" --> "aforementioned"
Since we fixed the word "spoof" in the other articles, we should fix it here too.
"The other half" --> "The rest"
"...with many critics praising "The Saga Begins" in particular"
Billboard should be italicized.
Seventh Gold record where?
"The album was also certified Gold in Australia and Canada" (might also want to insert which companies made which certifications)

Production

Take out "leg".
Again, the second sentence could be joined to the first as, "...which Yankovic produced himself."
"Backing" --> "Recording with"
"...to his television show, The Weird Al Show."
"...produced the original song "Germs", and eight days later [9 + 7 ≠ 15] during the third session Yankovic recorded three more..."
The colon in that sentence should probably be replaced with a comma.
"The next day, the fourth session resulted in "Your Horoscope for Today"."
"The fifth session took place on April 19, and yielded four parodies..." (and again, no colon, only a comma).
"The album's sixth and final session occurred on April 20/the following day [whichever one, but only one, you want to use], and resulted in..."
"The first original song recorded for the album was "The Weird Al Show Theme"~~. As the name implies~~, ~~this was~~ the theme song to Yankovic's short-lived television series, the eponymous Weird Al Show."
"The second original song recorded for the album was "Germs". A style parody of the industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails, the details of the narrator's fear of germs." Let me revise that for you:

"The second original song recorded for the album was "Germs", a style parody of industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails that tells of the narrator's germophobia."

"The third original recorded for the album was "Your Horoscope For Today". The song is a style parody of third wave ska, and features both Tavis Werts on trumpet, and Dan Regan on trombone, both of whom were at the time members of the third-wave ska band Reel Big Fish.[2][4] Lyrically, the song is about ridiculous horoscopes, and Yankovic attributes inspiration to the satirical newspaper The Onion." Clunky:

"The third original song, "Your Horoscope for Today", is a style parody of third wave ska, features Reel Big Fish members Tavis Werts on trumpet and Dan Regan on trombone, and has lyrics about ridiculous horoscopes. Yankovic attributes the lyrics' inspiration to the satirical newspaper The Onion."

"Yankovic later released..." "Later" in this instance is redundant.
"The fourth original song..."
"The Rugburns" --> "the Rugburns" (it's awkward to have "the" capitalized mid-sentence no matter what the reason)
"Yankovic originally wrote the song ~~trying~~ to..."
What's the odyssey here, the song or having someone sit through it?
"...for fans to sit through it, which is why it is located at the end of the album."
"Instead, to Yankovic's surprise, the song has become a fan favorite."
""My Baby's in Love with Eddie Vedder" is a style parody of zydeco about a man's frustration that his girlfriend is obsessed with Eddie Vedder, the lead singer for the grunge band Pearl Jam."
"doing what he does best" --> "working"
"Truck-driving country" --> "truck-driving country" (genres are not proper nouns)
"The first parody recorded for the album was "Pretty Fly for a Rabbi", a parody of the Offspring's [remember what I said earlier] 1998 single "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" about a hip rabbi."
Spaces before and after those big long dashes.
"and appear" seems extraneous.
"about" --> "able"
"...but this too fell through." --> "...but this was also unsuccessful."
Again with the dashes. Also, since Tress is an actress too, should we identify her as such?
"Spoof" again.
"To properly write the song..." I'm not sure there's a "proper" way to write any song.
"...for how the episodes played out." I think "unfolded" is a better way of describing it for WP.
"Crafted" sounds POV. Suggest "created", or to keep with what we've got so far, try "recorded".
"...before the entire album had to be mastered, as Yankovic was still waiting for Combs' approval."
"By the time Combs responded to him, Yankovic was..."
"To give him~~self~~ time to write the lyrics..."
"The fourth parody for the album", again just to be consistent we should probably throw "recorded" in there.
What's "Grapefruit Diet" about? You and I might know, and it might seem obvious by the title, but some info here would be great (remember, we can't assume too much as to what the readers do or don't know).
"The original song's writer," --> "The song's author..."
"...bases his album releases..." Just the release, or the album itself? ("Release", to me, means promotion, what happens to let people know the album is in stores.)
"...would be a good move." Informal. Try, "...felt that the album should have a song centered on ["centered around" is an oxymoron] the release of..."
"Yankovic first considered writing his parody of "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" about the film and calling it "Pretty Fly for a Jedi", but he quickly dismissed this idea; he wanted to parody a classic song for how important an event in film history the movie was considered to be." Something like that, if you can rework the end of the sentence to make a bit more sense, go right ahead. (I put "considered" in because the film's importance is somewhat debatable and sounds POV.)
"Yankovic then chose to write a parody of "American Pie" about the film."
"Because Yankovic wanted the song to be topical, he began work in December 1998, many months before the film was released." I'm not sure what this is trying to say; if you're trying to say he wanted a lot of time to work on the song, just say that. Like, "To allow himself as much time as he needed to work on the song, he began in December 1998..."
"Internet" should be capitalized. "Fleshed-out" seems informal.
"...but the company declined, so he later went to a "$500-a-ticket" charity screening to ensure the song's description of the movie's plot was accurate."
"As a result, Yankovic only had to change one line..."
The dashes are not needed here. "Right after" seems informal, but if nothing else fits I guess I could let this one slide...
Album title should always be italicized wherever it is mentioned.
"marks" --> "was" ("marks" ascribes importance to it that may not have been there before and thus is POV)
"...had been known for his ~~specific~~ hairdo, glasses and moustache."
"required" --> "needed"
"...this is his first album with his new style."
"Extreme length" is POV. Just put "length", keep the wikilink.
"panel" --> "page"
"as well as" --> "and"
"boast" --> "feature"
"After placing the CD in a CD-ROM drive..."
How does the source verify that New Zealand editions of the album do not feature the video?

Release

"aptly titled" --> "the"
"...was later released in late 1999." --> "...was released later in the year."
"To promote the album, two promotional websites were launched for the singles "It's All About the Pentiums" and "The Saga Begins", "thepentiums.com" and "sagabegins.com" respectively. Each site featured the respective song's music video, as well as additional information such as behind-the-scenes notes and lyrics."
"...~~also~~ concluded"
"Furthermore, he wrote that..." --> "He also wrote that..."
Italicize at least Rolling Stone.
"...a rating that denoted..." That whole clause is clunky. Try, "...which denoted that the album averaged between good and excellent."
"Glowing" is too POV.
"awarding" sounds POV, come to think of it. I would suggest finding better synonyms for it all throughout this section.
I think there are a few "noted"s too many in this section as well.
Again, italicize Billboard.
"The album entered the Billboard 200 chart at number 35 on July 17, and went up to its peak position of 16 the following week."
Spaces and dashes, take number I-lost-count. Actually, commas might look better here.
"...entering at number 7, and eventually peaking at number 3."
Hold on a second. The album was certified Gold AND Platinum on the day of its release? Holy smokes!

Track listing

Don't need to point out what "The Weird Al Show Theme" is; you can leave it without a sub-bullet point. Alternatively, you can simply point out that it's an original and what it was used for, e.g. "Original; theme song for the show of the same name" (or something better if you can come up with it).

As always, on hold for longer than it'll take you to fix it. ;)

I believe I have fixed all of the issues (see here for a before-and-after look). Sorry it took me a bit longer to respond to this one, and thank you for the review!--Gen. Quon (Talk) 00:09, 12 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

No worries. I made a few more adjustments as I didn't feel like bothering you about it again, and with that I will pass the article. Well done! Lazy Bastard Guy 03:19, 12 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.