Talk:Richard Brodie (footballer)/GA1

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Whickham and Newcastle Benfield

He scored 21 league goals and was their top scorer in the 2005–06 season and moved to Northern League Division One side Newcastle Benfield in the summer of 2006,

"and moved to" -> ", before moving to"

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

after impressing in a game between the teams.

Impressing who? And how?

Expanded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

During his time as a semi-professional, Brodie was serving an apprenticeship as a joiner.

First off, maybe you should explain first that the teams he was playing for, or league, were semi-professional. And try a wikilink for semi-pro. Also, maybe just say: "While playing semi-professionally, Brodie took a part-time job as a carpenter."

Included that the Northern League Division Two was semi-professional and reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He helped Benfield to victory in an FA Vase tie against Castle Vale in December with their second goal in a 2–0 victory, which set up a fifth round tie against Truro City.

"with" -> "by scoring"

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He was given a trial at FA Premier League side Bolton Wanderers and played in a juniors tournament in France, which ended unsuccessfully after he was played out of position at centre-back.

Are the trial and the junior tournament related? It should be made clear.

Not sure what you mean. Bolton took him on trial and decided to try him out in a tournament. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

I think that should be clarified (i.e. "and he played for them in a..." Noble Story (talk • contributions) 13:07, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Clarified. Mattythewhite (talk) 14:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

York City

He eventually signed on transfer deadline day, 31 January 2007, for an undisclosed nominal fee

Signed with who?

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He was sent off during a North Riding Cup game for York's reserves against Scarborough in February, but a suspension did not come into place until 14 days later, meaning he was able to play league-leaders Dagenham & Redbridge.

Any wikilink to the football term of "sent off"? And why is it really relevant that he was able to play league leaders?

Added wikilink. Dagenham were top of the table at this point and with York being in the play-offs, I thought it would be worth mentioning this fact about the opposition. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He featured in both legs of York's play-off semi-final defeat to Morecambe 2–1 on aggregate

What exactly does "featured" mean? Also, what kind of playoff was it exactly? The wikilink doesn't give any answer.

Replaced "featured" with "played". I would give a more specific wikilink, but there isn't one available for the relevant division. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

But when you say playoff, do you mean like to stay in that division, or more up a division, or what? Noble Story (talk • contributions) 13:07, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Clarified. Mattythewhite (talk) 14:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Brodie received abuse from some sections of the York support at KitKat Crescent during the 6–0 victory over Rushall Olympic in the FA Cup fourth qualifying round on 27 October.

Any reason why? Without it, it's not relevant at all.

Added some extra context. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He and Onome Sodje scored in extra time to give York victory in the Conference League Cup against Stafford Rangers in December, which saw a new club record for successive away victories.

"which saw" -> "which set". Also, how many victories?

Reworded and added how many victories. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He suffered an ankle injury in a reserve match against Darlington shortly afterwards and eventually returned to the side against Altrincham.

How long was the injury?

Added length. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

"over 10 days later" Maybe you could just say "two weeks later", or whatever time it was, as the previous is rather vague. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 13:07, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Been more specific. Mattythewhite (talk) 14:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He reacted angrily to being substituted by Fortune-West against Ebbsfleet United in March

Who the "he" is in this sentence is not clear. It could be Brodie or Walker. Also, maybe you could combine this with the previous sentence.

Reworded and merged. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He was dropped from the side against Halifax Town in favour of loanee Leo Fortune-West, but manager Walker assured Brodie that he was in the club's long-term plans,[30] before Brodie reacted angrily to being substituted for Fortune-West against Ebbsfleet United in March. Maybe try: "He was dropped from the side against Halifax Town in favour of loanee Leo Fortune-West, and even though manager Walker assured Brodie that he was in the club's long-term plans, Brodie reacted angrily to being substituted for Fortune-West again against Ebbsfleet United in March." Noble Story (talk • contributions) 13:07, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 14:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

ewly-promoted Conference North side Gateshead made an inquiry for Brodie in June 2008, which was rejected by York,[33] who later rejected a four-figure bid for the player,

2 "rejected"s. Try another word.

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He was named in the England C team in August for a friendly against Bosnia and Herzegovina.[37] Brodie started the game, but was substituted after 60 minutes, with the match eventually finishing as a 6–2 defeat

Could be combined?

Rewritten. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

after having made 15 appearances and scored three goal for York so far during the 2008–09 season.

"so far" -> "up to that point"

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Brodie scored two goals on his debut for Barrow in a 4–0 victory against Tamworth in the fourth qualifying round of the FA Cup,[44] after which Barrow's joint-manager Darren Sheridan said "He did well and he gives us more options for the team. It was a great debut from him and we know there is still more to come in the next few games".

Try "After Brodie scored two goals on his debut for Barrow in a 4–0 victory against Tamworth in the fourth qualifying round of the FA Cup, Barrow's joint-manager Darren Sheridan said "He did well and he gives us more options for the team. It was a great debut from him and we know there is still more to come in the next few games".

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

This led to him being nominated as player of the round for the fourth qualifying round, which was eventually awarded to Sam Hatton of AFC Wimbledon.

What led him? It sounds like the manager's quote led him to be nominated. Also, try ", but it was eventually awarded..."

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He made his league debut for Barrow in a 3–1 victory over Forest Green Rovers.[47] He scored against Gateshead in the Conference League Cup third round for Barrow, with the game finishing 3–1 after extra time.

Could be combined?

Merged. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Barrow then hoped to open talks over signing him on a permanent contract in January 2009.

This is nothing definite. Since you already say basically the same down below, maybe you can take this out.

Removed. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He made his final appearance for the team in a 1–0 defeat to Weymouth, finishing the spell with seven appearances and four goals.

Which team?

Clarified. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He ruled out the possibility of rejoining Barrow in January, saying he was committed to playing for York.

Why not put this in the above section, in context, instead of in the middle of something else?

Moved into the above paragraph. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Foyle stated his desire for Brodie to stay at York after reported interest from Barrow was continuing

Maybe say: "Foyle also stated..."

Added. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

And now maybe: "Foyle also stated his desire for Brodie to stay at York, after continued reports of interest from Barrow."

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 14:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

He scored from a direct free kick against Altrincham on 28 December to give York a 1–0 lead, although the game was eventually lost 2–1. He scored the winning goal for York in a 2–1 victory over Oxford United in an FA Trophy second round match

Both times, who's "he"?

Clarified. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

References

CR12 (this one) is dead.

I think FindArticles have been moving the links of their articles, so I've found the correct link and added it. Mattythewhite (talk) 12:03, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

What makes CR8 reliable? It looks like a fansite to me. The same goes for Playerhistory.

Unsure how to prove the reliability of source 8, so I've removed it. There have been some question marks raised over Playerhistory and how reliable it is as a source, as it's basically just a Wiki itself that you have to pay to browse. I've replaced this with Findmypast, which records all births in England over the period 1984 to 2006.

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 10:21, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Lead

Now then, I think the lead for this article is rather short. Any way you could stretch this to two full paragraphs? Noble Story (talk • contributions) 13:07, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

Had a a go at expanding. Mattythewhite (talk) 14:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)

OK, then, some comments about the lead: He trialled with York City after impressing the club when he played against them in an FA Cup tie for Benfield and signed in January 2007.

"signed with the team" would be good.

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 11:40, 15 March 2009 (UTC)

He finished his first season with the club by scoring one goal and featured in the play-off semi-finals,

"scoring" and "featured" are linked by "and", yet one is a verb, and another a gerund. One or the other should be changed for consistency.

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 11:40, 15 March 2009 (UTC)

He has also played for the England C team and won his only cap against Bosnia and Herzegovina in 2008.

I think it should simply be past tense in this sentence for consistency with the rest of the paragraph.

Reworded. Mattythewhite (talk) 11:40, 15 March 2009 (UTC)

Also, about the new "International Career" section: I really think that this is too short to be merit its own section. Maybe as he plays more it can be broken off, but I think that it should be combined back in (chronologically) with the above section (and then rename it to simply "Career"). Noble Story (talk • contributions) 11:08, 15 March 2009 (UTC)

Reinstated into main section. Mattythewhite (talk) 11:40, 15 March 2009 (UTC)

OK, then, looks like a GA to me. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 10:49, 19 March 2009 (UTC)