Talk:Rae Wilson/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Grandiose (talk · contribs) 13:59, 5 December 2011 (UTC) I'll be conducting a full review shortly, but for now:[reply]

Referring to the subject as "Rae" is confusing. It hints at an in-universe perspective. Instead, "Wilson" should be used throughout except at the first mention and any other place where the full name is necessary. This goes for the other characters as well;
The paragraph "In 2011 Barlow won an All About Soap award for Rae's love trinagle storyline. AfterElton have criticised Hollyoaks for appearing to show no interest in developing Rae. They, along with the Sunday Mercury have bemoaned the realism of Rae chosing to stay with Ste, knowing about his homosexuality. While readers of soap opera magazine Inside Soap indicated that they did not want Silas to murder Rae." needs work. The last sentence makes no sense (grammar in particular) and the second and third do not clearly describe the point being made. More of a focus on the issue and not who would be helpful.
There are general copyediting issues, for example "Thersa [sic]", "Lauren locks her in a cupboard," and indeed most of the "Storyline" section. I suggest a Guild request or a through read-through.
Newt should be named in full on first mention.
The "Relationships" section seems to mix what their characters think with what the actors think. This needs to be clearer.

No image issues - placing article on hold. Grandiose (me, talk, contribs) 13:59, 5 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thankyou Grandiose for chosing to review this article. I'll get to making some changes soon. Though, in reference to your first point, the request to refer to Rae as "Wilson" does not seem right - I've never come across that before nor has it ever been a requirement in any GA or FA review for fictional characters. I just looked over some featured articles and they go with the last name when mentioning actors - but stick with the characters first name throughout.RaintheOne ^BAM 14:49, 5 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Oh, you're right. My mistake. Grandiose (me, talk, contribs) 14:54, 5 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I'm a little confused, so I am requesting that you lend your hand a little here. With the reception section, how can iprove on it to make it clear? I thought it did the job of stating that Barlow won an award for her work on a storyline, Afterelton said Hollyoaks did not offer Rae much in terms of character development. They along with the Sunday Mercury said that Rae chosing to stay with a gay man was unrealistic. Inside Soap readership favoured Rae because they did not want her to be murdered by a serial killer featured in the series.

The same for the relationships section. What do I need to do - I need to know why it is not clear, so I can work on improving it. I thought it was okay, so I need telling off a little. Suggestions, thing I can do, where I can improve. I know I'm kind of asking to be "spoon fed" but I think it would fare better if I know what you like. If I got it wrong the first time, I'll be likely to do the same again.RaintheOne ^BAM 22:07, 8 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

If you're referring to point 2, I'm quoting the lead. Just read aloud it a few times, or something; think of clarity and the point being put across. Relationships I'll have a look at. Grandiose (me, talk, contribs) 22:35, 8 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

"Barlow later revealed that Ste would attempt to get back with Rae." - Is this better - "Barlow later revealed that Ste would attempt to reconcile his relationship with Rae."
"Rae would discover she is pregnant" - How can I make Rae finding out she is pregnant more clear?
"Barlow told Inside Soap that Mitzeee (Rachel Shenton) thinks Rae has the right to know about Ste's affair." - I don't see what isa confusing - Barlow told Inside Soap that a fellow character thought Rae had the right know about the affair. The next line explains that when she does find out, it hurts her too much. Do I need to explain why? Like because she is Ste's girlfriend she should know??
"Richardson revealed Rae would find out about their affair, adding "She's shocked and angry. She'd believed Ste when he assured her he wasn't gay and now she knows he was lying to her." - I don't know what to do there, I understand it. Richardson said Rae would find out about his affair, then states what effect it has on Rae.

I'm sorry to be a pain, I need some suggestions to make it tighter, I never went to Uni and I only got a C in my English exam. I struggle sometimes.RaintheOne ^BAM 23:48, 8 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

The reasons show up in the edit window only. I don't know if you've seen them. It's not about what the sentences say, but how they say them. The presentation of the ideas. Grandiose (me, talk, contribs) 18:09, 9 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Ahh, now I get what you mean. :)RaintheOne ^BAM 19:59, 9 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

User Frickative carried out a big copy edit and explained things better - I think it has adressed your points.RaintheOne ^BAM 21:14, 13 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

All in order now. Passing. Grandiose (me, talk, contribs) 11:53, 16 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]