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Talk:Peter Evans (swimmer)/Archive 1

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Archive 1

GA On Hold

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

At present, this article fails to meet the good article criteria in a number of minor ways. The most significant issue is that the writing requires general improvement—general and detailed suggestions are given below.

  1. Is it well written?
    A. The prose is clear and concise, and the spelling and grammar are correct:
    The writing here could be greatly improved by focussing on two aspects. In paragraphs, first all, try to make sure that each paragraph has a clear, singular focus. It's alright to include brief tangential information, as long the original focus is regained. The second area to consider is sentence variety. Varying the both the length and structure of sentences is essential for engaging writing. I'll include some examples of both of these points below.
    B. It complies with the manual of style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation:
    Very minor, but the term "half-blue" (in Early years) is obscure and should be avoided or explained per WP:Jargon.
  2. Is it verifiable with no original research, as shown by a source spot-check?
    A. It contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline:
    B. Reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose):
    Most importantly, any negative comments about Evan's training ethic in the lead need to be cited, and cited to very good references. I had to removed such a statement from the lead, and can't even mention it here per WP:Biographies of living persons. All direct quotes have been referenced, but there are some "indirect" attributions which need to be as well (see some examples below).
    C. It contains no original research:
    D. It contains no copyright violations nor plagiarism:
  3. Is it broad in its coverage?
    A. It addresses the main aspects of the topic:
    B. It stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style):
  4. Is it neutral?
    It represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each:
    This is borderline as some areas start to come across as Evan's personal point of view. It's a fine distinction, but remember to stick to an encyclopaedic tone and not fall into sounding like biography.
  5. Is it stable?
    It does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute:
  6. Is it illustrated, if possible, by images?
    A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content:
    B. Images are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
  7. Overall:
    Pass or Fail:
    Well there's a fair bit of work to do to get this article to GA status, I'm inclined to put the review on hold for a week to allow improvements before closing the nomination. If there are any questions about this review, feel free to ask here or on my talk page. Specific comments follow.


Examples of paragraphs lack a clear, single focus:

  • First paragraph of early years
  • Second paragraph of National debut
Changes made. Blnguyen (vote in the photo straw poll) 08:36, 11 March 2008 (UTC)

Examples of non-varied sentences:

  • The first paragraph of "US college career" starts 6 sentences in a row with "Evans..."
  • First para of "International farewell" uses the word "however" three times; one use is probably a maximum for a paragraph. Try to rephrase the other uses or replace with synonyms.
Changes made. Blnguyen (vote in the photo straw poll) 08:36, 11 March 2008 (UTC)

Statements that need a reference:

  • David Haller's status as "best breaststroke coach in the world" in lead.
  • Evans' "vow" in "National debut"

POV issues:

  • "Mark Tonelli realised that only the sportspeople would suffer from a boycott and that trade relations would continue unabated." This phrasing is POV as it describes the situation from Tonelli's perspective. Try rephrasing or ideally attribute the rationale to a direct quote by Tonelli.
  • At the end of "Moscow Olympics", the article says "Evans did not wish to stay any longer in the Soviet capital than was necessary". How do we know what Evans' wishes were? Consider either attributing the statement to someone or even removing the detail of Evans' movements after the olympics—it strikes me as not notable flavour more appropriate for a biography than an encyclopedia.

Other comments

  • In the second paragraph of "Moscow Olympics", when calling 200m the "non-preferred distance", is this referring to a general opinion or just Evan's preference?
  • In the first sentence of the second paragraph of the Relay victory section, I find it unclear what the clause "before noting that Goodhew was astounded by his posturing" refers to. Was Evans noting this? Who to, Goodhew? How to Evans know the Goodhew was astounded or what he was astounded by?
  • From the second to last sentence in that section, "but the Lord Mayor of Fremantle hosted it instead", what is the "it" referring to?
  • "...being headed by..." is this proper usage to mean "being beaten by"? I've not heard it before, but perhaps it's Australian usage?

(all of the above) --jwandersTalk 21:56, 2 March 2008 (UTC)

I tweaked the thing for the blue. The article explains the "half" variant. Blnguyen (vote in the photo straw poll) 07:24, 11 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Well, it's been three weeks since he put it on hold, and you've fixed everything he's wanted. I'd like to see some of the redlinks handled myself, but that's my onyl issue with the article. I'll pass this in 12 hours or so unless he comes back, GAN's very backlogged as it is without all these on hold. Wizardman 02:04, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
    • I've went and passed it. If the original reviewer disagrees strongly, then it can be taken to GAR. It was on hold for three weejs though, and while I understand we all have life commitments, we can't hold articles hostage as a result. Wizardman 16:15, 24 March 2008 (UTC)

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