Talk:Pat Burrell/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Killervogel5 (talk · contribs) 00:12, 29 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I'll be reviewing this, but as with most of my GA reviews, I'll undertake it in sections. Just a note to others that this one is being reviewed. I will leave my first group of comments tomorrow. — KV5 • Talk • 00:12, 29 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

First tranche of comments

Lead

Link "first overall draft pick" in the lead to List of first overall Major League Baseball draft picks Done
Do not duplicate "Philadelphia Phillies" in lead. After first mention, "Phillies" is sufficient. Done
In the lead, a lot of "he... but he" constructions. The second "he" is superfluous in all cases. For example only: "In 2003, he signed a six-year contract with the Phillies, but he batted a career-low .209 with 21 home runs." Done
"he missed several games with a wrist injury. He hit 32 in 2005" - reads awkwardly, could mean "hit 32 games"...? Done
"though" adds nothing encyclopedic Done
"30 home runs in 2007, and the Phillies" would be better as 30 home runs in 2007 as the Phillies Done
"Phillies reached the playoffs again. This time, they won the World Series." - would be better as Phillies reached the playoffs again, winning the World Series Done
"A pinch-runner for Burrell (Eric Bruntlett) scored the winning run in Game 5." - not lead-worthy Done
"and the Phillies signed Raúl Ibañez to be their new left fielder." - not lead-worthy Done
Link "designated hitter" in the lead Done
"seven home runs in 92 games" - comparable quantities per MOS:NUM Done

Infobox

All looks good here.

High school

"eleven home runs" - MOS:NUM says 11 Done

College

Avoid statements that say "current" on things that can change rapidly. Just saying that he was Huff's teammate is probably sufficient, as the reader can go to Huff's article if they don't know who he is. Done
Three sentences in a row with the same reference can just be combined. You only need the reference at the end of the statements that it covers unless there is something extraordinary that would necessitate duplication. Example: "As a freshman, he was selected as a First-Team All-American by Baseball America and the Collegiate Baseball Newspaper.[4] He was also named the Most Outstanding Player of the 1996 College World Series, joining Dave Winfield and Phil Nevin as the only players to win the award without winning the series.[4] In his sophomore year, he was again named a First-Team All-American by Baseball America and the Collegiate Baseball Newspaper but also by the Sporting News this year.[4]" - first two cites can be removed. Done
"Also, he was" - remove also, no encyclopedic value Done
You use the abbreviation "MLB" here without explicitly defining it in the prose of the article. Expand or explicate. Done

Minor leagues

"seven home runs and 30 RBI" - comparable quantities Done
"He... he" constructions continue throughout this and earlier sections. Be succinct. Done

Hopefully these are enough to get you started. My apologies for the delay on getting this started. — KV5 • Talk • 01:48, 30 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Second tranche of comments

Apologies for the delay. On we go. — KV5 • Talk • 02:46, 8 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

2000

Comma after "May 23, 2000" Done
"tied the game at two" - WP:JARGON, consider re-word Done
You use "the Phillies" twice in one sentence; consider replacing one instance with Philadelphia to avoid repetition Done
You use the phrase "the next day" at least four times in the paragraph. Try to change some of those out for specific dates, or other wording like "the following day" or something else. Done
I believe it should be "walk-off", not walkoff, as the Wikipedia article shows "walk-off home run". Done
"he was fourth-place in voting" - awkward wording; "he was fourth place" isn't proper grammar, and the hyphen is incorrect regardless. Not sure what to suggest specifically. Done

2001

"beat the Chicago Cubs 6–3" - scores in line should be surrounded by commas: e.g. "beat the Chicago Cubs, 6–3," Done
"victory over the... victory over the..." - this is repeated a lot. There are other ways to say that the Phillies won. Consider some re-working of this paragraph to remove that repetition. Done
"However, his 162 strikeouts were the ninth-highest total in Phillies' history." - that's true now, but as of 2001, it was the third-highest total (note that six of the seasons above him have happened after 2001). Should be re-worded Done

2002

"home run against Herges" - against who? Do you mean Matt Herges? Done
"He got his 100th RBI" - informal Done
"Also," - doesn't add any encyclopedic value Done

2003

"$50-million" - remove hyphen Done

2004

"won the game 6–5" - inline score, commas Done

Hopefully these help. I will try to get to the next group early next week. — KV5 • Talk • 02:46, 8 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Third tranche of comments

2005

"after he had 15 RBI" - double "he"; would be better as after accumulating 15 RBI Done
"Phillies' player" - Phillies is not possessive in this case; remove apostrophe Done
"Four days later, on June 9," - you can remove the date; it's not necessary to repeat it twice Done
"left fielders in errors, with 7" - seven per MOS:NUM Done

2006

There's not much to this section compared to those surrounding it. It could use expansion. Done

2007

There are a lot of "he... but he", "he... and he" constructions still in this section. Please re-word them or find a different way to say. It's a lot of unneeded redundant wording. This can almost always be solved by removing the second "he" and maybe moving a verb around. Done
"using Greg Dobbs, Jayson Werth, or Michael Bourn ~~instead~~ in left field" Done
"Three days later, on July 17" - redundant to give both day and date like that Done

2008

"eight home runs and 24 RBI" - comparable quantities, so 8 Done
"Hayes's" - second "s" not necessary Done
"walkoff" - walk-off Done
You use the abbreviation "NLDS" without earlier clarifying what it means. I think you need to go back to 2007 to add that abbreviation in parentheses. Done

This completes Burrell's Phillies career. I'll return later to review the remaining years. — KV5 • Talk • 13:01, 17 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Fourth tranche of comments

Tampa Bay Rays

Explicate the abbreviation "DL"
Is the second paragraph of this section 2010? The year is never given and is needed.

San Francisco Giants

In re-starting the new section, you should give the year again for clarity
"Giants lost 9–3" - comma after "lost"
"Nate Schierholtz then pinch-ran for him, and he scored the winning run in the Giants' 4–3 victory" - better as Nate Schierholtz then pinch-ran for him, scoring the winning run in the Giants' 4–3 victory
"nine times in 11 at bats" - nine... eleven or 9... 11 (I prefer the former)
"one-year $1 million" - comma after year
You say that Burrell's 2010 totals were career lows, but then his 2011 totals are lower?

Met Killer

This section is fine

Personal

This section is fine, but could probably use a little expansion.

Other than that the article looks good. — KV5 • Talk • 19:50, 24 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I felt like doing some article work so I popped in and made all the above fixes. Definitely a detailed article here. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 04:51, 25 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

PASS - I am passing this article. Couldn't happen to a better player (that 5 in my username is, well... you know). — KV5 • Talk • 12:50, 25 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]