Talk:My Transsexual Summer/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Carbrera (talk · contribs) 13:15, 18 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Infobox

Please copy and paste this into the "List episodes" parameter: My Transsexual Summer#Episodes|Episodes (No link in brackets is necessary as the action is automatic)
Done Ringbang (talk)
Please remove the following unused parameters, unless verifiable and citable information can be included in addition:

"Caption"
"Show name 2"
"Creator"
"Based on"
"Writer"
"Creative director"
"Presenter"
"Theme music composer"
"Composer"
"Distributor"
"Picture format"
"Audio format"

Done Ringbang (talk)

Lead

Paragraph 1

Past tense change (it happened in the past and isn't ongoing: "For five weekends in the summer of 2011, they stay together in a large holiday home in Bedfordshire,[2] where they meet and help each other with some of the struggles that transgender people face.[3]" --> "For five weekends in the summer of 2011, they stayed together in a large holiday home in Bedfordshire,[2] where they met and helped each other with some of the struggles that transgender individuals face.[3]"
"in Bedfordshire," --> "in Bedfordshire, England,"
Done Ringbang (talk)
Please link "England" here now
Done Ringbang (talk)

Paragraph 2

"Channel 4 broadcast the series in November 2011." --> "Channel 4 broadcasted the series in November 2011."
Both broadcast and broadcasted are simple past and past participle forms of to broadcast. Ringbang (talk)

Production

Paragraph 1

Please link "Channel 4" since it's the first mention of it in the article (minus the lead of course)
Done Ringbang (talk)
Better wording: "in media coverage of transgender people," --> "in media coverage regarding transgender individuals,"

Paragraph 2

I would just add this entire paragraph to the previous paragraph as it basically serves as an extension to the previous thoughts

Paragraph 3

Unbold Girls Will Be Boys and Boys Will Be Girls. please since it is not the official title
Done I implemented this, but only as a style choice. Boldface also applies to synonyms of the headword (see MOS:BOLD). Ringbang (talk)
"to make the series.[9]" --> "to produce the series.[9]"
"Former commissioning editor for documentaries[12] Meredith Chambers served as executive producer for Channel 4, and Sam Whittaker was executive producer for Twenty Twenty.[9][13]" --> "The series' executive producers consisted of Twenty Twenty's Sam Whittaker[9][13] and Channel 4's Meredith Chambers, the latter of which used to serve as the commissioning editor for documentaries.[12]"

Participants

Paragraph 1

"The participants in the programme are four trans women and three trans men from different parts of the British Isles." --> "The participants in the programme were four trans women and three trans men, all from different parts of the British Isles."
"They range in age from 22 to 52; five of the participants are under 30." --> "They ranged in age from 22 to 52, with five of the participants being under 30."

Paragraph 2

"Drew-Ashlyn, a 22-year-old trans woman from Wakefield, has been living as a woman for more than four years.[16]" --> "Drew-Ashlyn, a 22-year-old trans woman from Wakefield, had been living as a woman for more than four years at the time of the show's broadcast.[16]"
"Her family are supportive,[16] but before the show she had never met another trans person—let alone trans people near her own age.[17]" --> "Her family was highly supportive,[16] but had never met another trans person, let alone trans people near her own age, before the show's filming had begun.[17]"
"Donna is a 25-year-old from Norwich.[18] She and Drew have both been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for two years.[19]" --> "Both, Drew and Donna, a 25-year-old from Norwich,[18] had been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for two years.[19]"
"Sarah (age 29) is from Jersey.[18] She has only recently begun presenting as a woman full-time;[20] during the course of the show, she comes out to her mother." --> "29-year-old Sarah from Jersey began presenting as a woman full-time during the show,[18] and also came out to her mother during filming.[20]"
"Karen, from Essex, worked for many years as a police officer, and later as a lorry driver.[21] She divorced in 1985, and wants to be able to see her daughter again.[22] At age 52, she is about to undergo vaginoplasty.[22]" --> "At age 52, Karen, from Essex, worked for many years as a police officer, and later as a lorry driver.[21] She divorced in 1985, and wanted to be able to see her daughter again.[22] The show detailed her life leading up to a vaginoplasty operation.[22]"

Paragraph 3

"Like Drew, he says he has never knowingly met another trans person before.[8]" --> "Similar to Drew, he had never knowingly met another trans person before.[8]"
"He decided at age 18 to transition, and he has been living as a man for three years.[23]" --> "He decided at age 18 to transition, and had been living as a man for three years.[23]
"Max is a is 25-year-old trans man from Tottenham.[18] He is Reform Jewish, and hopes to become a rabbi.[21][24]" --> "Max is a is 25-year-old trans man from Tottenham;[18] born Reform Jewish, he was hoping to become a rabbi.[21][24]"
"He started HRT six months ago, and is all-too aware that the hormones are slow to manifest visible changes.[28]" --> "He started HRT six months before the show's production, and was well aware that the hormones are slow to manifest visible changes.[28]"

Episodes

All good!

Response

Paragraph 1

Add a "a" before "sensationalist" please
Sensationalist is an adjective here. Ringbang (talk)

Paragraph 5

"After seeing the first three episodes, Maxwell Zachs called the series "a disappointment". One reason for this, he says, is that although "we see... lovely, endearing transsexuals" portrayed in the show, "what I don’t see is anything that is going to make people think or feel any differently about what gender is or how it limits us all in one way or another."[41]" --> "After seeing the first three episodes, Maxwell Zachs called the series "a disappointment"; he stated, that although "we see... lovely, endearing transsexuals" portrayed in the show, "what [we] don’t see is anything that is going to make people think or feel any differently about what gender is or how it limits us all in one way or another."[41]"

Participants' lives after the show

Paragraph 1

"Karen lives" --> "Karen lived"
Resolved Ringbang (talk)

Paragraph 2

"and a "celebrity patron" of the 2012[50] and 2013[51] National Diversity Awards." --> "and a "celebrity patron" of the 2012 and 2013 National Diversity Awards.[50][51]"
Insert a "now" in between "She" and "works as a make-up artist..." please
Resolved Ringbang (talk)

Paragraph 3

"Donna Whitbread is a stage and festival performer.[19]" --> "Donna Whitbread is currently a stage and festival performer.[19]"
This is not a dated statement. This is what she is by training. Ringbang (talk)

Paragraph 4

", Sarah Savage was optimistic." --> ", Sarah Savage became optimistic:"
"She took a job in Brighton,[62] and has a blog that she started during the production of My Transsexual Summer.[63]" --> "She took a job in Brighton,[62] and now has a blog that she premiered during the production of My Transsexual Summer.[63]"
Insert a comma in between "In 2015" and "Sarah and Fox published a..." please
""Before I started transitioning, I never wrote, I never... did anything creative," said Sarah in a 2013 interview. "For some reason... living in a female role has allowed me to be more creative."[62]" --> ""In a 2013 interview with Fox & Lew Productions, she stated "Before I started transitioning, I never wrote, I never... did anything creative... For some reason... living in a female role has allowed me to be more creative."[62]"

Paragraph 7

"Maxwell Zachs is a writer, Judaic studies scholar, and trans activist." --> "Maxwell Zachs is currently a writer, Judaic studies scholar, and trans activist."
"Maxwell Zachs is a writer, Judaic studies scholar, and trans activist." --> No source
This is the paragraph's topic sentence. Every sentence that supports this summary has a reference. Ringbang (talk)
Please insert a comma after "Since 2011"
Commas are optional in short, introductory adverbial phrases in which there is no ambiguity (ex. NCSU Online Writing Lab). Ringbang (talk)

References

Each reference can only be linked to a publication or website once:
Reference #6 – Please remove the link to "PinkNews"
Reference #30 – Please remove the link to the "British Film Institute"
Reference #31 – Please remove the link to the "British Film Institute"
Reference #32 – Please remove the link to the "British Film Institute"
Reference #43 – Please remove the link to "PinkNews"
Reference #47 – Please remove the link to "Gay Star News"
Reference #52 – Please remove the link to "Gay Star News"
Reference #77 – Please remove the link to "PinkNews"
Reference #79 – Please remove the link to "PinkNews"
Reference #80 – Please remove the link to "The Huffington Post"

Done Ringbang (talk)

End of GA Review:

Despite being a fairly well-written article, the article is written in the wrong tense, so I have listed what needs to be re-worded before passing as a GA. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me here by @PINGing me. Thank you. Cheers, Carbrera (talk) 06:45, 19 June 2016 (UTC).[reply]

@Carbrera: Thanks for taking the time to review the article, Carbrera. I've implemented all of the technical changes and some of the copy changes, per the annotations above. I should mention that the article is not written in the "wrong" tense": Events that occur in the show are described in the historical present. As for the other copy changes you proposed: With respect, while I recognise the influences that lead you to make these suggestions, I'll pass. I will say that just because you hear and see certain word choices and turns of phrase online and on American TV, that doesn't that they should be emulated. —Ringbang (talk) 23:57, 24 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]