Talk:Music in the movement against apartheid/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Freikorp (talk · contribs) 04:36, 30 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I've had my eye on this for a while; might take some time due to the length. Don't feel obligated but I have a GAN as well if you're interested. Freikorp (talk) 04:36, 30 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review, Freikorp. As you may have noticed, I'm on break, so this might take me a few days: I hope that's okay. Cheers, Vanamonde (talk) 14:46, 2 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

No worries, take your time. I didn't check your page before starting the nomination, so I'm happy for this to remain open. Freikorp (talk) 21:08, 2 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Is it reasonably well written?
"system of racial segregation,[2][8] Black South" - Either need to remove the capital in black or change the comma to a period
Changed

"led partly by a campaign of the African National Congress to increase" - at this point the abbreviation ANC has already been introduced. I would expect to see it used here, or are you deliberately spelling it out as it's the first mention in anew section?
Deliberate: there's a lot of abbreviations, and I want to make sure the reader is not lost among them.

"As the government grew increasingly harsh in its response to growing protests, the resistance shifted from being completely non-violent towards armed resistance." - This sentence reads awkwardly; two uses of grew/grow but more importantly two uses of resistance. At least change the latter.
Done

"raise awareness of apartheid, gather support, thereby driving political change" - This doesn't seem right. How about "gathering support and driving political change"?
Rephrased

"consisted of a few South African performers" - Would it be easier just to say "several"?
Done

"and lasted until 1980" - I'm not liking this choice of words. How about "and disbanded in 1980", or something similar?
Done

"Major protests took place after the inauguration of a "Tri-cameral" parliament in 1984" - can you explain what this means?
Sure, added a parentheses. Basically a parliament which gave other POCs representation, but not black people.

"triggered a number of celebratory songs, as well as the "peace song", to which a number of artists contributed" - This is intriguing, can you expand on this "peace song"?
I've added a little detail; there isn't much on the content of the song, though

I'd introduce Trevor Huddleston briefly, maybe just say English Anglican bishop Trevor Huddleston ...
Done

"The Graceland Tour included Miriam Makeba, another musician known for her anti-apartheid music." - Makeba has been introduced by this stage, there's no need for anything after the comma.
Rephrased

"reaching #4 in Australia, #10 in Canada and #21 in" - see MOS:HASH
Fixed

"A song very popular with younger audiences ... as a b-side to their extremely popular" - I'd drop the terms 'very' and extremely' as POV. If necessary, say something about what the songs accomplished, such as chart position or platinum certification etc etc.
Removed and rephrased; I'll see if I can find info on the chart positions, though it might be too much detail for here.

"Music review website AllMusic describes the music" - Three uses of' music' within seven words reads poorly.
Switched one of them

"often were arrested" - This doesn't sound right, how about "were often arrested"?

"Lucey himself abandoned his musical career" - Is there any follow up on this; what became of Lucey?
Not much, I'm afraid. I'll keep looking, but the basic sources don't seem to have it.

"an individual could be jailed for five years for owning a copy of it" - this makes me very curious, were owning copies of other songs a jail-able offense or was this a unique case?
I'll look, but this is tricky, because there's no easy way to search for this. There's no other instance mentioned that I recall, but I also think it's very likely to have been a common situation.

"Michela Vershbow writes" - Who is Verhbow and why should I value his opinion? Perhaos mention what journal he is writing in at least. I.e 'Writing in the Inquiries Journal,, Michela Vershbow ...
Done
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. Has an appropriate reference section:

B. Citation to reliable sources where necessary:
Ref 37 is dead, though there's an archive version available here: [1]
Fixed, thanks

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:

B. Focused:
Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:
Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:

B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
Overall:
Pass or Fail: While I'm certainly not a subject matter expert, I see no major issues or gaps in this article. Earwig's copyvio finds one match at above 60%: [2] - I'd try and trim that down a bit. Overall I'm very impressed with the amount of research that has clearly gone into this. Looking forward to passing once minor concerns are addressed. Freikorp (talk) 09:41, 30 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]
@Freikorp: Thanks a lot for the review. It was indeed a lot of work! I think I've addressed all your points: take a look. With respect to Earwig's result: this is tricky, because most of the hits are names, or quotations. I've rephrased a couple of the other instances: the last couple I feel I should not change, as any other version is going to be a sentence that is harder to read. Regards, Vanamonde (talk) 15:34, 5 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Well done. Passing. If I were you I'd nominate this for FAC immediately. Let me know if you do and I'll happily support it. Freikorp (talk) 22:15, 5 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Many thanks, Freikorp. I do hope to send it to FAC soon; but apart from the fact that I'm busy in RL, I have a solo nom pending at FAC at the moment, and also have a source I wish to go through again (Gwen Ansell's Soweto Blues) which I did use, but did not go into in great detail. Of course, the topic is a large one, and I don't think it is possible to cover every source, but this one seems a seminal work, and I'd like to go through it. Regards, Vanamonde (talk) 12:08, 6 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]